A
female
age
30-35,
*old_as_ice17
writes:My bf recently broke up with me. We had been dating for a little less than a year. I broke up with him a couple of months ago because i felt very disrespected by pictures that i saw of him and my co-worker flirting. I agreed I would see how things went in the mean time, so we did. We hung out every weekend and he completely complied with all of my demands. But yet ever since the whole flirting thing I just get angry at him and am very impatient. I feel dissappointed all the time by the littlest things. I guess i feel he is not worthy of my respect if he disrespected me. But i still love him so we got back together.Barely a week went by and he decided to break up with me. We were both tired of the arguing honestly. He still wants to be friends and i would too but im realizing its very hard to not be his love anymore. I hate having to ask if we can hang out and i hate that he doesn't txt after work like he always did. I still do all of the things i did. So its hard to notice that he is completely fine while i am home crying. I dont know how to deal. I know everything will be alright but how can i be his friend? while he is out on the weekends (when we would usually hang out) im home crying with nothing to do. I dont have friends to distract me and i cant talk to my family either, they're too critical. So what is a person like me suppose to do to cope with this loss of not only her love but her best friend? I dont know how to transition from being his gf to just his friend. Im having a hard time dealing.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (1 April 2010):
 A female reader, AuntyEm--You are correct and I agree with your later comments 100%--While true it is harder for females to become friends after being past the "friends" line has been crossed, I just want us all to know its not always the others fault-I think, espealially when we are young we don't see the big picture-I hope you can become friends but if that isn't possible after being so close then still alot learned about yourself-I hope you find deep long lasting love, it is out there and we need to go thru as many woman/men as we need to to learn what we truly need, NOT WHAT WE WANT--as the old say goes don't marry the one you can't live without, marry the one you can live with. My past, as will yours, will tell you what you want AND need, its then you have to decide about continuing relationships. Many ex's, althrough they have kids, do remain friends-maybe it's the common ground (kids)-I just want you to know it's possible and only you know if it will be agony or pleasure to be friends. Always hold onto your friends, while thier advice may be good or bad they ARE AND WILL ALWAYS be your support-
A
female
reader, cold_as_ice17 +, writes (31 March 2010):
cold_as_ice17 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I appreciate to have gotten advice from opposing views, sorry this is soo long. To happy140, you sound a lot like my ex. I can see where you're coming from. I do appreciate valuable lessons i have learned bcuz of my ex, lessons about my self mostly. The more i got to know him, the more i started to have problems with who he was and how he acted. Now i just realize that i was honestly a control freak. I didnt want to feel like i controlled him but wanted and expected him to be perfect in everything. Since he wasnt that brought on a lot of disappointment. I now know not to always expect my significant other to be perfect, its unrealistic, and that i should accept people for who they are good & bad.
To Aunty Em, I really appreciate all of the advice. I do think you're right in the fact that cutting off contact with him is best. I would have a hard time dealing since he was like my best friend. I am not a social person and i really do not have anyone else to talk to. I watched the video and it did cheer me up! I'm a big fan of that lady now :)
To Laura1318: I am realistic I accepted the break up and knew or know I would move on. I just wanted to know what my choices were to distract myself since I am not a social person and have no real friends, except 1 but she has problems of her own.
UPdate:
My ex and I still have been speaking & hanging out. He confessed that its been very hard for him since he still loves me and sometimes he believes he made a mistake by breaking us up. Also that the only reason he seems ok is because he has lost so many loved one's that he knows how to hide his emotions well (this is very true i must add). I do feel better since he told me all this. Deep down, i think its just given me hope, that if we love each other everything will work out. Like i said I feel guilty sometimes because i did use to judge him harshly. I should accept that not everyone can be my clone, so to speak, & i cant control everyone. Sure i sometimes still feel disappointed/lonely but i do know that sometimes my mind set is not right and it needs to be changed, at least to be able to accept ppl wit imperfections and all.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 Happy 140,
No it as not a derogatory comment. The situation you are describing is not the same as the question asker is going through. I did state that a man will pursue a relationship after it breaks down, if he considers he deeply loves the woman. Where there is no love a man can cut off very easily and so can a woman. What I am saying is that when a relationship ends, if the woman is still in love with the man but the man is not still in love with her, it ill be extremely painful for the woman to remain friends and see that man go into another relationship with someone else.
It is not fair to make the woman feel guilty for NOT staying friends when she is in so much pain. Better to make a complete break and move on with no contact.
I believe this also goes when a man still loves a woman and she doesnt love him. A man will try to pursue it whether it helps or not(often a oman will cave in and take him back, because women invest more emotional energy into a relationship)...if a woman pursues a man after a relationship breaks down, well she is branded a 'psycho'.
I am sure you have had different experiences but I doubt those women ho stayed friends with you after a relationship were still in love with you.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (30 March 2010):
"Its weird isnt it that an answer from a male agony aunt tells you to keep him as a friend and just think about all the good stuff you learned from the relationship and a female agony aunt tells you about how much it hurt her and how hard she had to work at moving on after her breakup because it was so painful.
I think and know that this demonstrates how differently men and women cope when a relationship ends."
I hope this was not meant as a derogatory comment-yes there are GREAT difference in the male and female thinking-That by know means means a womans advise on relationships is always right-I speak from a long term relationship that has had many wars, battles and commitments. It show that I and my spouse work at things-LOVE is hard and takes work, and anyone who thinks differently must not work at it because its too much work. The benifits of deep, truly emotional love is worth ALL the pain. Love is the best feeling next to sex. I love that feeling of knowing someone cares for me so deeply that they want me, even with all my faults, because my goodness far outways the bad. I, my wife and others around us do not consider it 'WIERD" to stay friends with those we have a relationship with. Probabably because we all agree that if you trully, I don't use that word litely, and I mean trully love loved someone how or way would you throw them away like your trash and say well its over now-I never want to see of hear from you again-that is just plain shallow!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 You need to accept reality and move on . That good times don't last forever. There are good and bad times in our life cycle.
There is a time for everything and don't have regrets. Keep yourself busy and go out with friends and enjoy your life and forget the past. Live in the present.
Everything happens for a reason and you need to think more positive.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 March 2010):
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/eve_ensler_embrace_your_inner_girl.html
Take a look at this TED talk by Eve Ensler. Look at the last three minutes of the talk where Eve recites a poem 'I love being a girl' Its truly uplifting and will make you feel better about how your feeling.
Hugs xx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 March 2010):
Its weird isnt it that an answer from a male agony aunt tells you to keep him as a friend and just think about all the good stuff you learned from the relationship and a female agony aunt tells you about how much it hurt her and how hard she had to work at moving on after her breakup because it was so painful.
I think and know that this demonstrates how differently men and women cope when a relationship ends.
Men are more likely to go from one relationship into another very quickly after break up because they are less emotional about relationships(unless they were dumped and considered the ex as the love of their life). Women tend to brood and suffer after a break up because they are emotional creatures and it is natural for them to self destruct, blame themselves and mourn the loss. Even if they were in a bad relationship, they still grieve it's loss and any reminder is bitterly hurtful.
You are a woman and it is probably going to be more helpful to you to sever contact completely from your ex. You need time to grieve and heal and you do not need a constant reminder of being his friend. The danger is that you will heal a little and then be pulled back into the relationship, which will inevitably end again and again. In effect you become stuck in a kind of 'Groundhog day' relationship where you continue to break up and make up. This IS extremely mentally destructive and emotionally devestating. It can also take a toll on your physical health.
You need to gather friends and loved ones around you, force yourself to find things to fill your time and grieve and let out your emotions in a safe environment. Talk to a close friend who will not run away when you need to cry and go over things. Go out as much as possible, avoid places where you will bump into the ex and change your number (or block his).
Believe me I know how hard it is to get over someone you love, it takes time and effort. Like recovering from an illness, you have to treat yourself kindly and carefully. Don't expose yourself to reminders of him. Of course you cannot be friends!!! Do you really need the pain of seeing him date someone else??
I time when you have recovered and moved on and maybe found someone new, then it may be possible to be friends with an ex...but BOTH of you need to have moved on and forgotten your feelings for eachother.
This is how women cope. Men see it differently, they can go from one relationship to the next without emotional attachment. It makes them come across as selfish uncaring and unnattached...but its just how they are when they leave a relationship they felt wasnt working for them!!
Take care of yourself sweetie!...your a girl...and girls cry and feel pain.
It will get better, I promise you.
Aunty Em xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): I know how you feel. My ex and I recently split up and it hurt like hell, it didnt help that he went out with someone else immediately after as well. It was like a huge chunck of my life was gone. Like losing a limb or something. I'm getting there now, I've thrown myself into work and shopping and the gym, it's hard... I used to think about him constantly, no matter what I was doing he was in my thoughts, but now although he is there everyday still, it is not constant and I can focus, and the emptiness is not as great anymore. It helped that the people I work with chucked me out on the town every weekend after work as well :)
It does get easier, and you will fill the gap and get used to not missing the small things. Time helps, honestly.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (27 March 2010):
My thoughts about ANY relationship is-every single person we meet and have a relationship with (or not) make us who we are personally-you may have argued alot but that is, as odd as it seems is part of the getting to know someone-if it were not for arguments we wouldn't know how people are deep inside when they are angry-(are they abusers, vindictive, loving, etc)-an argument tells you more about someone than a month of dating-to understand that you need to really think about the argument and what you learned-as for being "friends"-unless you HATE someone they can and should be your friend-In that short week look at the positive he brought into your life and the lessons that that you gained-you may not be compatable but you know each other well enough now to be good friends-I am friends with every woman I ever dated-why?-because they all taught me something I am gratfull for-as for the transfer from BF to FRIEND you have to realize that you don't want an intamate relationship but you do want another friend-he has learned alot about you and you him-never throw that away-in the futher you can become best friends and his male advise will be invaluable to you in the future-they say we are what we eat but we are more of who we have meet and what we have learned
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