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*una~
writes:My boyfriend has a daughter (age 7) from his previous marriage. She lives with her mom and I get to see her every other weekends. His daughter likes me a lot, but sometimes I don’t know how to say no to her. She likes to play rough with my boyfriend but I’m not as strong or tough as him. I would hate to be in pain just to play with her. Sometimes when we’re alone, she’ll show some attitude to me (showing me she’s mad/upset because something I said or did – which is not true). I know it’s not my area to discipline her. However, if I don’t do anything, I’m afraid she won’t respect me in the future. How can I balance between disciplining her and being liked at the same time? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (15 September 2007):
 okay, the key to your problem is you want to be her friend and her mum which is a nice thought but a bit difficult. because friends don't have bounderies. if you sit her down and explain to her, you are sometimes going to have to say no because you are the adult and she is the child, but primarily you want to get along. tell her that if she is good and listens first time, there will not be any need to not get along. tell her you're excited about moving in with her father, and make sure she has a room at your house which she can help decorate to make her feel a part of your little family. she'll learn to respect you as she grows and will accept you are there to stay.
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female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (14 September 2007):
tread carefully, i have a step mum and until a few years ago felt threatened by her relationship with my dad. you should try and explain you aren't as strong as her dad, and encourage her to do something with you such as, drawing, making things (arts and crafts are a good way to bond). or talking, that way you have your own connection with her apart from the love of her dad. include her in all aspects of your relationship and she'll learn to admire and adore you. good luck.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (13 September 2007):
 Ok, this extra info helps.
After 2 years and no moving in, it sounds like you ARE going to be a step mom...unless you and your bf have discussed otherwise.
You said: If I was the parent, I will definitely not let my kid do that
Well, if you are moving in with him, then you ARE a parent..a step parent.
I would suggest that you talk to your bf about yours and his expectations regarding your daughter. Setting your personal boundaries about how she behaves with you (ie rough play) is going to be different between how you and he feel about her behavior in public and with others. He might tolerate her whining in a restauarant, and you would not. Talk about it with him...the important thing is to set up a UNITED rule base. Becuase you will be living with him, she WILL try to pit one against the other to see which one is more strict and which one lets her get away with it. THAT is what you have to be ready for. With a united rule base that you and your BF BOTH enforce, it will be impossible for her to divide you against each other.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, Yuna~ +, writes (13 September 2007):
Yuna~ is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for everyone who has responded to my question. This question is going to be very important for me and I would hate to do something wrong. I’ll give more details as it might trigger you to tell me more advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship is quite serious. We are planning to move in about 6 months from now. He is a young dad, 26 with a daughter 7 yrs old. My boyfriend can play with the kid but also appears to be a figure that requires a lot of respect. She listens to him really well. She understands play time is play time, when he say stop or no, she will not dare to challenge him. However, the daughter seems to know how to manipulate other people to get what she wants. Maybe everyone feels sorry for the little girl who her parents got divorce at such a young age, so everyone seems to let her gets want she wants. My boyfriend told me I don’t have to be the girl’s mother. All he wishes to see is us getting along. However, I sense it’s not that simple. How can I just get along without trying to be extra nice to her (for my boyfriend’s sake)? I understand I have to say no. I am not afraid because I am a teacher myself. However, I just want to present myself as someone cool but needs to be respected. Maybe my question is: If she acts with attitude, should I just say: Fine then, I won’t play with you. Or say no firmly when she’s playing too rough. Will she turn around and tell her mom or my boyfriend’s parents she hates me? On the other hand, I don’t agree kids should act the way she does. If I was the parent, I will definitely not let my kid do that.
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reader, Yuna~ +, writes (13 September 2007):
Yuna~ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for everyone who has responded to my question. This question is going to be very important for me and I would hate to do something wrong. I’ll give more details as it might trigger you to tell me more advice.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship is quite serious. We are planning to move in about 6 months from now. He is a young dad, 26 with a daughter 7 yrs old. My boyfriend can play with the kid but also appears to be a figure that requires a lot of respect. She listens to him really well. She understands play time is play time, when he say stop or no, she will not dare to challenge him. However, the daughter seems to know how to manipulate other people to get what she wants. Maybe everyone feels sorry for the little girl who her parents got divorce at such a young age, so everyone seems to let her gets want she wants. My boyfriend told me I don’t have to be the girl’s mother. All he wishes to see is us getting along. However, I sense it’s not that simple. How can I just get along without trying to be extra nice to her (for my boyfriend’s sake)? I understand I have to say no. I am not afraid because I am a teacher myself. However, I just want to present myself as someone cool but needs to be respected. Maybe my question is: If she acts with attitude, should I just say: Fine then, I won’t play with you. Or say no firmly when she’s playing too rough. Will she turn around and tell her mom or my boyfriend’s parents she hates me? On the other hand, I don’t agree kids should act the way she does. If I was the parent, I will definitely not let my kid do that.
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female
reader, LilWun23  +, writes (13 September 2007):
i agree with both rockelle and frank u do need to set boundaries because if u dont in the future u will be disrespected that is if the relationship between u and ur boyfriend is serious.
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reader, duce00 +, writes (12 September 2007):
 What you are dealing with is very important and I can see that you understand the gravity of setting patterns in behavior with children. Its really good that you can see that. Many people lack that foresight.
First of all: Have you discussed this with your BF and has he given you any advice or input? He is her father and you will need his advice and support if you are to apply any discipline to his daughter.
That being said, there is a big difference between discipline and boundries. Nobody should be allowed to pummel or manipulate you. It doesnt matter who, or how old they are. You have a right and a duty to lay down the law on what you wont take. Only thing is you must make it in a way she can understand.
Secondly: Have you and your BF been together a while? Is it looking long term with possibility of marriage? This is important because the daughter may be a little conflicted about you stepping into her mothers shoes. We understand that its not exactly like that, but kids sometimes dont. She may be testing you (which is what it sounds like). I also got a hint that she is manipulative. These are signs of a lack of discipline and respect in children. If you are serious with your BF you really need to get ready to deal with his daughter because its a "package deal" as I like to say.
I aint no Dr Spock and I have made mistakes as a parent but maintaining discipline has never been one of them. Its a critical part of raising a child in my opinion. Furthermore it is a form of neglect not to provide your child with a very clear sense of good and bad behavior. Not adressing this early on makes for rather difficult adults who cant deal well in society. (anybody know one of those?)
Nip this one in the bud if this man and your future with him is important to you. You will be very glad you did and it will help his daughter in the long run considerably.
Take care,
Duce
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (12 September 2007):
You do not mention the nature of the relationship with your bf, and what role if any you are to play in her life. Are you her dad's gf, or are you her Step-mom? It makes a difference.
If you are going to be her parent, it is not about being liked, it is about raising her, protecting her, and being respected by her.
If you are just her dad's present gf, stay out of the disciplining arena as it is not your place, and just reenforce your boundaries when they are violated as you would with anyone related to you or not.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, rockelle +, writes (12 September 2007):
 Maybe you should show her some new games that do not involve rough playing like checkers or a barbie doll. There is nothing wrong with saying NO. Saying yes all the time will make you look like a push over which will cause more problems in the future.
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