A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my(27) bf (29) for 6 years. Recently things have been quite intense because of lockdown and I feel like we keep falling into certain arguments. My bf is funny and can be sweet and we have a lot in common. However, he struggles to cope with any kind of "pressure" or "demand" on him ranging from things like me asking him to sit down for dinner when it's ready to spending time with me or friends/family. Im genuinely not a demanding person and actually am probably a bit of a people pleaser if anything. He can be sulky or cold or sometimes angry at these times. I am very sensitive to his moods and find them hard to deal with. I wish i could not let this bother me so much and let him do his own thing! Due to the above and not wanting to put too much pressure on we don't go out a lot together which is something i feel sad about. My bf doesn't seem to have a drive to share experiences with me or anyone? I find this hard to put into words exactly. Sometimes when we do go out he can seem like he's anxious and kind of on edge. He enjoys getting into arguments with people in shops etc and often feels slighted by others and strongly that he's in the right which he finds "fun" but stresses me out a bit. We can have a good time out but this is usually at places he feels comfortable in not new places that I want to try. One year I asked to go to a specific restaurant for my birthday and we still haven't been three years later. We have the money to go. Again I wonder if I have unfair expectations of him/relationships in general. I am not the best at putting my thoughts into words and can be a slow processer. This seems to annoy my bf and he will often pick up on things I said that were "wrong" and not drop it, asking me to explain myself, going over it again and again until I get upset. I don't know what he wants me to say at these points, I don't know if there's something I should say which he wants to hear that would make it stop, because saying i'm wrong doesn't seem to stop it? I hate conflict and become tearful easily which frustrates him. I think he thinks I turn this on for effect because he will ask me not to get upset. Honestly I wish I didn't cry because I would like to be able to clearly argue and explain my point of view! I do try hard to control it through breathing etc but often it overtakes me. After an argument he will be apologetic and im always left with the feeling it was my fault and if I'd said or done something differently the argument could have been avoided, i just don't know what exactly I should have said! At home he likes to "teach" me things but honestly I find his style of teaching very annoying and he's impatient with me so this usually leads to arguments. I am highly sensitive to critism and can be defensive which is not a nice quality. I do feel like he is very critical of me but I'm not sure if this is just how I perceive it. I want to make the relatonship a bit easier but don't know how. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to make my bf happy but it feels like I rarely get it right. I feel confused a lot of the time. I wonder if therapy would help me to work on not being overdefensive, be more assertive and how to not let myself become so upset by conflict and his moods. I wonder if anyone has any advice from experience on how better to handle any of the above or how i can communicate better to avoid so much arguing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2020): Why are you trying to hard to please him and stay with him? He is not really interested. He would be happy with any woman he can bully and intimate. You make it very easy for him to be able to do that.
A
female
reader, AnnaGreen +, writes (10 September 2020):
 He wants to be with you so he can feel superior to you and talk down to you - something about his own past making him insecure in himself and using you as a whipping post and building block to feel better may suit him, but how does it suit you? This man does not care about you, he just likes the sound of his own voice. He does not sound like the sort of person that many would be happy to spend time with or even talk to.
Think you would be better off ending this sham of a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (9 September 2020):
 I think it's important to work at a relationship if things go wrong but it seems to me that this was never right in the first place.
No relationship should be this much work.
In my opinion, a partner is someone who holds you up, they support you and share things with you, they appreciate the things you do and are proud to be with you. This should work both ways.
Your partner makes you feel stressed, anxious and unhappy. You're constantly walking on eggshells in your own home and this isn't acceptable.
The thing that saddens me the most is that you're blaming yourself and think that you are the one that needs to change or improve.
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. My advice would be to pack your things and leave or if the property is yours, pack his things and kick him out.
His behaviour is cruel and controlling. He isn't "teaching" you, he's patronising you, he isn't "getting you to clarify what you mean" he's bullying you and enjoying seeing you tie yourself up in knots. He struggles with "pressure" and "demand", no he doesn't he just doesn't like being told what to do by a woman.
Did you know domestic abuse isn't only about hitting and physical violence, it's about emotional abuse too and this is exactly what this man is doing.
My advice is to get away from him now because, in my experience, this will not improve, this will not get better and you, my dear, are going to feel worse and worse until he breaks you.
How do I know? I've been where you are and the best thing I ever did was leave him. You can't always see it when you're that close to the problem but I promise you if you stay his behaviour will only get worse and if you think things feel crap now.......
I hope this helps, love ABx
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2020):
 You can avoid so much conflict by breaking up with your current partner and finding someone more compatible. I am not trying to be witty, - I believe that when there is such an high degree of conflictuality and such a remarkable personality clash, it's useless and damaging to drag on the relationship- and the unhappiness.
You are just not made to understand each other and to make each other happy. Accept it. While is true that no relationship is a picture-perfect rose garden, with never any argument or disagreement- it is also true that such a frequency of conflict spells doom and shows that 's a bad idea to hang on for dear life to something that won't make either one happy.
As a side note, while you are single and before you start another relationship, you may want to work on yourself, alone or under professional guide, to become better at putting your thoughts in words and expressing your feelings without breaking down,overcome by your emotions. This is a very frustrating, unappealing trait in a partner, or in any adult interlocutor as for that , and I understand how your partner may find it extremely unnerving. Then again, the way you describe him- he sounds like a total clod and so he deserves richly any annoyance which you may cause him . Anyway, obviously the point is not " who's right who's wrong ", all of us have own strenghts and weaknesses, qualities and flaws, and you two are no dfferent. The point is that your strength and weaknesses do not complete or complement each other, in fact they clash
and cause constant strife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"I think you've gone beyond your expiration-date; and your nerves can't take too much more of his abrasive-personality, and his obnoxious way of relating to other people."
"You need a more patient and easy-going type; perhaps a more lay-back kind of guy."
Side note:
Don't assume a man like this is soft or a pushover. Aggressiveness doesn't make you more masculine or manly; it just makes you harder to deal with. Women usually have a weird perception of what they consider masculinity. It's usually exaggerated and over the top. That's a clear indication they didn't have much of a male role-model to work from in a father. He's the guy who sets the example of what manhood is; and what kind of character you should find in a good-man. Yes, he can still be a strong manly-man; but it's natural, not resulting from having a hard-life and laden with unresolved psychological-issues!!! Hardness bordering on psychosis!
"You're too prissy and delicate for the likes of him!"
Leave the ruffians for the biker-chicks and tattooed bone-crushing bruiser-gals!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): A lot of conflict and discomfort within a relationship is a sign of incompatibility. Two people with uneven-temperaments, and a contradictory set of values. His ways may be too coarse or abrasive for your more timid and unassuming personality. That doesn't mean you never get along, or don't love each other; you can, but not consistently and harmoniously.
You say you have difficulty in expressing yourself. I didn't have any difficulty in understanding the points and issues you were trying to convey in your post regarding your relationship. Perhaps you don't perform well under pressure; or while someone is standing there with their arms folded and demanding you to spit it out. A discussion has to have the right tone and the proper atmosphere to be productive. Bullying people and condescending to your mate isn't how you perpetuate a smooth and harmonious relationship. Nor is whining or collapsing into tears a mature-way to react when things go a little rough.
I believe you've chosen someone far too aggressive for your personality-type. You need a more patient and easy-going; perhaps a more lay-back kind of guy.
All too often, women seem to gravitate to "bad-boys," macho-brutes who talk too loud, drink too much, and push people around. Oh, how safe and girly he makes them feel! Like Faye Wray and King Kong! Yeah, until you've got to tangle with these brutes!
When you try to give these poor ladies any advice, we get the ever famous disclaimer: "...but I love him!"
That usually means, tell me anything, but to leave him! Some will say it outright, and others will somehow subtly imply it by telling us how wonderful he is; but suddenly, he had this remarkable transformation from her dream-guy to an evil villain. So...if the only solution is leaving him, what pray-tell, is the point of seeking advice...if you don't plan to execute the most effective remedy to the problem? Of course, the choice is yours. You'll come to that decision in your own time. Just don't wait so long you're an emotional-cripple and a hot mess when he's finished putting you through the wringer! Your mind and body can take but so much wear and tear!
I think you also need to work on being assertive; and less intimidated by adversity, or when things get a little tense. Life is unpredictable, challenges pop-up out of nowhere; and almost inevitably you'll hit snags in your relationships. You must try to handle them with reason, compromise, and maturity.
If your partner is too aggressive, you'll be too intimidated to be open and expressive. On the other-hand, he gets quite frustrated when you get all flustered, emotional, and childlike. Being emotional and breaking into tears is a defense-mechanism. It's a way to avoid conflict by appealing to the sympathies and mercy of your adversary. It's being submissive. It's the wrong reaction when there is a problem that requires you both to have a discussion; in order to smooth-out the kinks and bumps in your relationship. He has to learn to control his anger and aggression. Impatience and harshness is not how you convey to your partner a willingness to work things out. That's how you intimidate and scare people into submission. A way of conditioning them to submit to control; so they are wimpy and beholding to you, and you won't have to deal with what you find trivial and irritating. Even when he's totally and 100% in the wrong; and you're only trying to express how the situation is affecting you. Thereby causing an issue or disturbance in the overall health of your relationship.
Now the tough part.
Six years is a long time, and this is as far as you've come. You haven't learned or grown together. You haven't matured over all these years to a level you know how to resolve issues in the relationship. You can't communicate with each other; and his way of resolving a problem is scaring the bleeping daylights out of you! Teaching you things isn't a tender and loving way to spend intimate quality-time together; instead, he's critical and patronizing. He makes the experience difficult and uneasy. He doesn't seem cutout for raising children and being a dad; not with an attitude like that! It can get frustrating when people don't pickup things easily; but intimidation shatters their confidence, it doesn't build it! It makes them nervous and fearful of being yelled at or belittled.
Your relationship is at where I call it the "make-it or break-it stage." It has extended beyond the range between 3-5 years; when people decide if things are going to move-on to the next stage. I thing you've gone beyond your expiration-date; and your nerves can't take too much more of his abrasive-personality and his obnoxious way of relating to other people. He's a stick in the mud, moody, and only happy when he's calling the shots. He's not spontaneous, doesn't like to explore new things, and a mindless creature of habit. Boring! An insufferable hick or bumpkin! His world is too small for you! Your too prissy and delicate for the likes of him!
Boyfriends are disposable and replaceable. You are not trying to make a marriage work here; and he sounds nowhere near hubby-material. He doesn't seem ready for fatherhood either. Let's see how much more you can take. Your post is pretty much of an indication that you've had just about enough. If you need us to suggest what you've probably already considered; allow me to suggest that maybe it is time for some independence, and he's ready to be kicked to the curb. I'm just saying!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 September 2020):
 Jeeez OP
" I spend a lot of time thinking about how to make my bf happy but it feels like I rarely get it right. "
How about YOU in all this? You bend over backwards and he nitpicks.
I don't think you are as good of a fit as you think. You say he is funny, but then you also say: "He enjoys getting into arguments with people in shops etc and often feels slighted by others and strongly that he's in the right which he finds "fun" but stresses me out a bit."
It stresses you a bit? Don't lie to yourself here, it stresses you out A LOT and it's embarrassing.
He doesn't WANT to do things with you. Not even sitting down for dinner? What is the point of this relationship? It sounds more like you are a hostage than a GF! You want to go to a certain restaurant for your birthday - NOT a crazy or demanding wish, but he has gone out of his way to NOT take you there. So next birthday GO WITH a best female friend! your parents or BY yourself!! You already know he has no desire to make memories with you! Can you imagine having a kid with this man?!
Yes, therapy can be very helpful for you. And maybe look online for some books on communication, how to fight fair.
I think you should work on yourself. We ALL can benefit from that. And I hope that through that, YOU will find that your BF is not a good person or partner for you. He honestly sounds like a total TWAT! He sounds like a selfish nightmare.
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