A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:my wife and i have been marrid for 30yrs i just found out she told me that she was sleeping with herex for almost a year.it was ended because he died i know that if he had not passed she would have left me right now i'm a basket case even though this happen 30yrs ago
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): It's never too late to rectify a mistake.Not a lot of info and the timeline isn't clear but;
I'm going to assume she told you to hurt you. Well she has now take that hurt and turn it into action. Get your stuff together and then get a lawyer.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2020):
 The timing is a bit hazy.
You got married 30 years ago, and she was sleeping with her ex 30 years ago.
Well, where you two married then ? Engaged ? Just dating ?...or maybe that happened °before° she took up with you...
IMO, that would be very different degrees of seriousness of the offence and would influence its forgivability.
Then again, even worst case scenario, that happened 30 years ago... thirty years is a looong time, even vicious killers get paroled after 30 years of good behaviour....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): I wonder what made her decide to tell you now, after letting 30 years slip by? Did you have a recent argument? Did she find porn or girly-pics in your search history? If she could sit on it this long, I'm not sure what significance or benefit there is in telling you something so hurtful entirely out of the blue?
It's either done in spite, or she's unloading her conscience; however you want to look at it.
If you've been having problems in your marriage lately, perhaps there's more to come. This could be an opening for a dialogue concerning the current state of your marriage. If you're not receptive, difficult to talk to, or don't really like to talk about problems in your relationship; then this must be the prelude or an opener to a discussion that she has been trying to have with you for a very long time. I will refrain from bringing-down harsh judgement or any criticism; only you have a right to do that. You know her, you live with her, and she knows you. All the same, cheating is cheating; and betrayal of your trust and vows is a major offense within your relationship.
You'll eventually overcome the shock and surprise. It's coming from your wife of 30 years; so it's a big deal. Your mind has to process it, and your heart has to filter it; but bear this in mind, he's dead and gone and no longer poses any threat to your marriage. It's all psychological at the moment.
If the last 30 years have been good for you; perhaps you'll consider how things were back in those days, and try to forgive her and move on.
If forgiveness is going to become a laborious and excruciating experience for your marriage; maybe you and your wife should seek marriage counseling. You can also seek counseling through your source of faith and worship. You can't punish her for something she did that long ago. What's done is done; and her adulterous co-conspirator is food for the worms.
If you've had a wonderful marriage up to this point, and she born you children; attribute that to her doing everything humanly possible to make up for what she did. If all these years have been tumultuous and problematic, yet you've held-on; now you can decide if this is it. In any case; you can either judge things by the past, or by the present.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): Wow. That's a huge bombshell. No wonder you're a basket case. You have every reason to be. It doesn't matter if it happened today or 30 years ago, the pain you're feeling is valid and real. It's a stab to the heart. The fact the betrayal happened at all is what matters.
Why did your wife tell you after 30 years? What prompted her to reveal this secret she's been keeping all this time? One would think this is something you'd take to the grave. Why would she even bother telling you after so much time has passed?
Also, how do you know she would have left you for this man had he not died? Did she tell you that?
Either way, you need to sit down with her and have a heart to heart. Ask her whatever questions you need to ask and she needs to be fully transparent.
She still cheated. There is no statute of limitations on betrayal. Betrayal is betrayal. And in your shoes, I'd be devastated too. She made a conscious choice to be with another man for a whole year (that you KNOW of). Usually long term affairs involve emotions, especially where women are involved. Did she love him? Also ask yourself how much longer she would have carried on this affair behind your back, had her lover not died? It's very possible it could have been indefinitely and it's also very possible, as you say, she could have left you to be with her lover.
So now it's about how do you move forward knowing what has happened? Can you? Only you know the answer. This is not something you can just forget about and sweep under the rug because it happened 30 years ago. It's like if a person was murdered 30 years ago does that mean a murder deserves less time for the crime or not to be punished at all?
Your wife cheated. The likelihood of the affair having carried on if her lover hasn't died is very high. Your wife didn't love you enough to stay faithful. Perhaps she stayed in a comfortable marriage of convenience all these years? Perhaps this crisis is what you needed to shake up your marriage? Perhaps you've lived like roommates? A comfortable ambiguity? Let issues go unaddressed? Now is your chance to be brutally honest about issues you probably never even spoke about. It's time to make it or break it. Both of you need to lay all your cards on the table. And see if your marriage is worth fixing. Or can you live with the constant doubt that will exist everyday wondering if she is cheating again, has she cheated again, or will see ever cheat again? To live in that state of constant distrust in your partner is an unending misery and a special kind of hell on earth. For both people. But especially the betrayed.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (7 September 2020):
 I can certainly understand how this news would really shake you up, OP. I truly don't understand how your wife would hold onto a secret for 30 years and then suddenly confess but that's what she has done.
So you have to ask yourself some questions. Do you love her? Were your years together happy? Can you talk through it and forgive her and move on?
I'm not sure if talking about this will give you closure, it may open up more wounds. It was so long ago and obviously your wife loves you or she would not have stayed for all this time.
Think it over carefully before you open up "Pandora's Box". Is it going to help you to ask a bunch of questions? The man is gone, has been for a long time so its not like he was or will be a threat.
If it was me, and the years had been happy together, I'd forgive and move on. I know it hurts to know but I wouldn't throw away all those years together after all this time unless you just truly can't forgive and move on.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (7 September 2020):
 Why has she held on to this information for three decades before deciding to divulge this information to you?.
So she was sleeping with her ex for almost a year, was this while she was married to you?. or before she met you?.
How do you know she would have left you for him if he had not died?.
The guy she slept with is no longer with us. This all happened 30yrs ago. With the limited information linked to this post, the only advice i can offer here is, time to put this to bed and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): How's your marriage otherwise?
Is your wife a type of person who would use this to hurt you?
Did she tell you she had to come clean because she loved you?
I know you're hurt but context matters.
You say you "KNOW" she would ave left you? How do you know? Did she tell you?
Are you unsure of her love for you? Did you think you were her consolation prize? If the answer is yes, why did you stay with her?
Honestly, I don't know what to tell you... it would really depend on circumstances and how honest we both were in the first place. I don't mean if you lied to her, but if you were lying to yourself.
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