A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello I've been dating a girl casually for nearly a year now. During that time we have been on about 10-12 dates. Obviously Covid meant we weren't able to see each other for a few months and before that I lived in a different city which is why its a relatively low number of dates for the time we have been dating. We get on well when we go out and message a bit in between dates. She has said she doesn't want anything serious at the moment and I'm OK with that as I've just moved cities and jobs so wouldn't be wanting to settle down yet anyway. Since moving to the same city as her (to clarify I did not move here for her, I moved for work!) We have seen each other maybe once every 2-3 weeks. She says quite positive things about me, like how she has missed me on occasion and is surprised by how much she likes me. My one issue though is we havnt had sex yet. We have kissed and seemingly she is attracted to me. I dont want to put her under pressure about this but I'm not sure how much longer would be appropriate before bringing it up in a more sincere way. She has openly teased me a bit about sex I would say and there has been odd bits of conversation about it. I'm not sure if its a circumstances issue at the moment though. She lives with her parents currently so that wouldn't be appropriate and I'm not sure she would feel like she could stay at mine. I wondered about suggested a hotel but I don't know how this would go down. How can I approach this without putting her under pressure? I also wonder if there is another reason why we havnt stayed with each other before now too, like is she really physically attracted to me? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2020): Forget the hotel, your place is much better. I was in
Similar situation, we were off and on for a year. We go parking and neck. I though she might be a virgin and didn't want to take her in a car. Maybe I was being too timid. But after one dinner date I asked if she'd like a nightcap at my place. It went so easy in the privacy of my apartment.
And she stayed 4 day, married a year later.
If back at your place it doesn't happen naturally, it's time to call her Buddy.
But I'm betting she wants sex as much as you, and is masquerading like Wifey was. I even got a note under the door "HIGH FIVES 208, Linda 206"
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2020):
 Why couldn't / wouldn't she stay over at your place ? Why do you think that suggesting a hotel would be an as valid, or less awkward, alternative, once that you've got your own place ?! ( unless we are talking about a special night in a luxury five stars hotel with a double Jacuzzi, fresh flowers, champagne, all the trappings ...:)
Call her over for a meal, either cooked by you or ordered in, - relax, have a drink, listen to some music, chat, start kissing as you'd usually do , then let things progress from there... I don't have to make you a drawing I suppose.
If you are an anxious type and can't stand the suspense of
not knowing how teh night is going to end , I guess you can simply call her over for a meal and tell her that, if she wants- you'd love her to spend the night there. She has teased you about sex already, and after 10 -12 dates, I doubt she'd be surprised or shocked ! The ball would be in her court and she can says yes or she can say " Not yet " or she can say " No, because ... ( insert reason ) , and at least you'd know a bit better where you stand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): I’m sorryBut to me it sounds like you are just friends!!You have been ‘dating for a year’, you are not ‘sexual with each other’ and neither want anything serious. 10-12 dates is quite a lot even over a year. So what are you then?? You are friends. What’s the point in dating someone if it doesn’t lead to a relationship/sex??I understand some People wait till marriage for sex which is their choice. But then these people are in a relationship. Or people have casual sex but don’t have a relationship. Without either of those you are just friends. Have you discussed with each other whether you are actually dating? I feel like you are both just using each other to pass the time or because you have no one else at the moment. Or she is using you for attention And something to do and you are none the wiser. Shamefully, when I was younger I did the exact same thing. A man was into me but I wasn’t him. What did I do? I dated him anyway because I was bored and wanted the attention. I lead him on and acted like I really liked him. As I’m older I wouldn’t dream of doing something like that now. I feel you would like to be more than friends with her but are too scared to tell her as she ‘doesn’t want anything serious’ right now. Why are you wasting your time? I that why you are scared to ask her?If it was just a casual sex relationship you wanted - you can get that anywhere - Tinder for example. That makes me sure you want more from this lady as you have waited a year. Be honest with yourself and how you feel and speak to her openly and honestly. If she doesn’t respond the way you want - then move on and find someone else. If she doesn’t want sex - then what does she want from you if she doesn’t want a relationship either? Friendship that’s what!!You need to ask her so at least you know where you stand and can move on if she isn’t on the same page as you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2020): Why are you asking us? Ask her! I think a year's time or the number of dates is neither here nor there. Why is sex a touchy subject?
I think now is the time to ask her how she feels about you, and whether she's physically-attracted to you? I think she has avoided the topic of sex; because she is unsure of how it will change things.
I suspect she's purposely hesitant about sex; because she's not seeking anything serious, and worries things will suddenly get complicated. I think you know this. You would become instantly infatuated, and then what? Will things get weird, if she agrees to have sex, but she doesn't want a relationship? I think you are really into her, but she may not be that into you. The only way to find-out, is to take a leap of faith and ask!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): If there is something wrong with your place tidy it up, give it a lick of paint, make it better, make it presentable enough to be proud to invite her back to.While the lock down is on you have more time -the time that you would otherwise have spent on dating her can be put to that use.When my partner and I were in lock down we spent time on decorating, improvements etc rather than waste that time.And we did not have to rush it so that we could invite people back for cuddles!There is a serious lack of communication going on here between the two of you, that worries me more than the lack of sex.I would also step up how often you are in touch even if the lock down makes it harder to meet up. Flatter her a bit, say she looks pretty today, talk to her as a lover would talk to a girlfriend instead of two platonic friends talking about the weather etc.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 October 2020):
 Why can't she stay over at yours? Is she under 18? If so, then you got to wait. Is it a dump? Dirty? If so, do some deep cleaning and invite her over.
CLEAN place and DEFINITELY fresh sheets is a must for an overnight, OK? Same with Condoms.
You can always have her over for a meal (if you can't cook do take out, if you CAN then she can help in the kitchen which is nice) and a movie then take her home after. When she is COMFORTABLE at your place she will let you know. I bet you.
Even with Covid 10-12 dates is not a lot for a 12 months relationship. I'd definitely work on that too. MORE dates for sure.
I wouldn't suggest a hotel, that can come off as sleazy IMHO. Or that you have something to hide.
You have dated her a WHOLE year, work on communications.
You can't PRESUME how she feels or thinks.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 October 2020):
 I wonder why you feel that, after a year of dating, you cannot ask her to stay at your place? If she has "openly teased" you about sex, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she is wondering the same thing.
Has she even been to your place? Have you invited her? Even if she didn't stay the night, that would be a good opportunity to see if sex happened naturally.
Don't forget to have contraception ready just in case.
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