A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25 and I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 4 or 5 months. When I first moved to London I really loved being single and enjoyed dating but slowly over the years, its's lost its appeal. I would really like something more serious but nothing ever seems to stick beyond a couple of dates or few months. The rejection and short lived meaningless flings are really wearing me down and I'm starting to give up on dating all together. I think my low mood is being made worse by lockdown and COVID. I now work from home full time, I live with 2 flat mates but they both have boyfriends so are rarely around. I have very few single friends left so when we do meet up they are all exchanging stories about their partners and talking about buying houses, getting married, having kids etc and I feel so far removed. I feel lonely and hopeless all the time and I worry that I'll never meet anyone. I see the way my friends boyfriends are with them and I don't ever see that happening for me. Dating apps are toxic and depressing, I can't bring myself to use them but in the current circumstances I don't see how else I'll meet anyone. I hate that I feel sorry for myself all the time but I'm so fed up of being single. I've done my time of being alone and now I feel like it's my turn to meet someone but it's just not happening. Any advice of how I should deal with this and how to get out this funk?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): Without sounding harsh - are you sure your not too desperate for a boyfriend? You say you have never dated anyone past 4-5 months. Maybe because you are coming across a bit desperate and needy. It’s a huge turn off for men. Partners should be there to enhance your life not the be all and end all. Focus on other areas of your life. Friends, hobbies, a career etc. Learn to be happy by yourself - THEN will you be ready to be in a relationship. At 25 you shouldn’t be so worried about being in a relationship. Stop being envious of friends because nothing is as it seems. Some people in relationship want to be single and are jealous of their single friends and some people are single and jealous of their friends in relationships. There are pros and cons to both. I learnt that making myself happy is the single most important thing in life. Why? Because nothing lasts forever. Relationships break down, partners cheat and leave you, even marriages can end in divorce. Then what have you got left after that. Nothing because your WHOLE world comes crumbling down. That’s why you should never make a partner your whole world. And never base your happiness on whether you have one or not. Your envious of your friends in relationships now, but how many of them will be with their partners in years to come. They too will find themselves single (some of them anyway). Focus on creating a fulfilling life for yourself without a partner. Fill it with hobbies, find new friends, get creative. So when you do have a relationship breakdown you will fair far better than some of your friends. Once you have that independence and happiness in your life, men will follow. They want an independent, happy, assertive woman with a full filling life and knows what she wants and needs, not a desperate clingy woman who Needs a man. Don’t base your worth on whether you have a boyfriend. Be more than that. Focus on your life first. Find new friends and a hobby and go from there.
A
female
reader, SamanthaIreland  +, writes (4 October 2020):
 Hi so sorry you are going through this funk i am also going through abit of a funk at present and a girl friend with a friendly ear really helps leaps and bounds. Try talking to one of your flatmates letting them know you are trying your best but feel left out. They will understand.
Tell them things are getting harder and how you feel it might relieve some of the pressure from you.
I would say youre doing better than you think you just need to be appreciated more.
Guys come and go but i am sure you will stumble across someone interesting at some point maybe your flatmates will try hook you up.
I hope you open up to them soon and you get some good advice on how to deal with this. Never give up its not hopeless and you are still young.
Samantha
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A
male
reader, MuchosTacosyChurros  +, writes (2 October 2020):
I was going to post my own issue but I've decided to answer to yours beforehand. How old are your flatmates? Your age? Younger? Last time I checked (late 2019) house prices in London were not in the territory a 25 year old, even with a very good job, could afford unless his own family helped him/her out, a lot. Are these flatmates of yours from well-off families? Or are their boyfriends from well-off families? I take they are absolutely ordinary people.I'll not go into the details but your flatmates are either daydreaming (perfectly fine once in a while and it's free after all) or falling for their boyfriends' tall tales: us males are prone to writing checks we cannot cover.So you can stop feeling bad about your flatmates. They still live on Planet Earth.Also think about this: you are 25. You are not doomed to a lifetime of celibacy, not even remotely, just going through a rough time made worse by having to work from home, which is nowhere near as great as it's cranked up to be. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger... or at least teach you some valuable lessons.Don't take it the wrong way but think for a moment about all of us in our 40's or 50's who are indeed doomed to a lifetime of celibacy. Compared to us you have not merely plenty of time but our example and wisdom as well: remember many of us are stuck here because they were too hasty, entered into a bad relationship which they desperately tried to salvage because they felt they had no other hope and when it was over they were so broken down and miserable as to be indeed doomed to lifelong celibacy.Dating apps... you'll hear only two opinions, that they are either great or horrible. I'll add a third: if you are a woman, especially a young woman, you'll become like a lightning rod in the middle of a thunderstorm. I've heard it can get pretty uncomfortable: you are right to avoid them if you think you cannot handle all the unwanted attention. One final hint from my personal experience: always be direct and honest. When starting dating somebody immediately lay down all your rules but be ready to listen to him's as well. No point ruining what can be an interesting relationship if you are put off by his love of cricket or rugby: only couples that can work livable agreements will last any time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): You cannot order a bf, but you CAN do something about meeting more people.
One of the examples I always cite about how people can have preconceived ideas about what they need, how many people they meet how open they are etc.
My sister. If you asked her, she would have said that :
1. all she wants is a normal guy to hang out with
2. she keeps meeting new people all the time (because she has an interesting job)
3. that she is open-minded and gives a chance to people
Having firmly believed in this she ended up having and IVF by herself at 43. I'm not saying this to scare you. I want to SHOW that you CAN do something about it if you really examine your attitudes, ideas, thoughts...
Here's how she really lived:
1. She kept chasing after famous guys who were unavailable, but kept feeding her emotional crumbs (or so she thought) so that she would hang around and support them. She didn't mind that some of them were married.
2. she met people ONLY at work and this is not an ideal environment, after a while, for meeting potential partners. Work is no place for romance. There's a good old expression don't sh*t where you eat.
3. she kept dismissing people who weren't "special". She didn't give a chance to men who seemed ordinary to her. She has never liked a guy without knowing certain things about him: whit kind of work he does, how well-known he is in certain circles, how rich he is, how respectable is his family...
So question your ideas about romance and what your partner should be like.
It's true that you can have a stroke of luck and meet a great guy on a subway station. But, it mostly takes effort.
I'm old-school and know nothing about online dating, so I can't give much advice on that subject.
I'd volunteer somewhere, animal shelter, soup-kitchen... I know it's complicated with COVID-19, but not impossible. I'd get more active around neighborhood. You never know whom you can meet.
My point is try the things you haven't tried yet, not because you are looking for a guy, but because they are fun! Join an amateur theater group, join a hiking club... whatever you like. Explore your interests and when you do what your passionate about you will have a better energy and not seem desperate to meet someone.
You are still very young. I met my (future) husband when I was 25. Up to then I had one long-term relationship, one affair and 2 short ones. It was good experience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): Don't compare yourself to others or envy what people have that you don't. Even if you've only had short-term relationships; it's better than nothing. Could be much worse! Like being stuck in an abusive situation; or in a terrible marriage that you can't get out of. You're learning more about life, and developing some survival-skills. You just don't realize it. Destiny sometimes delays certain life-events to make way for something more urgent or important. Fate might have something predestined that you must do first.
You only amplify the frustration and aggravate yourself when you study and focus too much on what others have, compared to yourself. Plain and simple, it's just not your time yet.
It takes longer for some than others. That's life. Either the well runs dry; or when it rains it pours!
When people sense you're jealous of them, they start performing. Exaggerating their happiness and good-fortune. It's purely for your benefit, and to rub your nose in it! If you're always moping around the flat all day "woe is me, I ain't got nobody!" Your roomies are just going to flaunt the fact they've got boyfriends all the more! Telling each-other how great he is, so-on and so-forth! People tend to prance-around and showoff more to provoke jealousy and get the attention of others. That's what makes social media habitual and addictive. It's a big marketplace; and a tool to broadcast what you've got on a grand scale...all just to be envied. That doesn't stop the live-performance in real-time as well. Check them on social media! The more you see, the less it is! Their little bubble-gum two-bit relationships aren't all that great. They're got short leashes on those guys; and their boyfriends probably drive them nuts, trying to keep track of his every move!
Your self-pity becomes obvious when they see you always in a funk...forlorn and forsaken. That's their cue to get more in your face, pretending they're happier than you; and putting-on theatrics just to see how envious they can make you. Your post is evidence you've gone for the bait. They've got you pegged!
Everyone gets a dry-spell in their love-lives. It seems every bold attempt is a miserable failure. You meet guys, they seem to like you; then suddenly, they want to move-on. They even you! Stop meeting every guy full of anticipation and hellbent on a relationship. They can smell it on you! You're pressuring yourself! BTW, that comes across as very thirsty or anxious; and you might find yourself bending over backwards to please someone who doesn't really deserve it. Don't be a pushover for sweet-talk, and don't believe guys who come-on hot and heavy about how pretty you are. That's buttering you up for sex with their phony charm, and pretense to be really into you. Once they get it, they lose interest. There are a lot of players out there, and you just have to be leery and vigilant. "You'll kiss a few frogs," as they say! Narrowing it all down to one!
Dating apps offer a lot of hookup opportunities for players; so beware of those who flaunt their ab pics, take too many selfies, and still keep in-tough with their exes. Or worse, still fight with their exes!!!
If you're quick to let guys bed you; they'll lose interest even faster. If they like you as much as they claim, give them a chance to prove it. If they know they'll get sex whenever they want, and it comes shortly after you've met; the novelty soon wears off, and they're back to the dating app looking for their next opportunity. Slow it down, and pace yourself. Lookout for red-flags! Doesn't matter if you've met him online or offline, you still have to check yourself! You're not on a mission or a manhunt! Chill-out, sister! You're making yourself crazy! Put your dolls and dishes away, no more pity-parties!
Stop competing with your roommates. Things aren't always as great as they seem to be. They know you're watching; so they'll put on a big show. "Look at us, we're so happy!" "My boyfriend this, and my boyfriend that! Meanwhile, snooping through his phone and checking his underwear! The minute the step out of the flat, they fight! They hide all the bad stuff from you, it would expose them for the fakes they are. It's ordinary and full of problems. For your sake, they talk about babies and marriage and whatnot. Do they talk like that in-front of their boyfriends? Probably not! Just you!
You don't get boyfriends on-demand, or make a wish on a star. They happen when you meet the right guy, at the right time. Unexpectedly!
Stop believing everything guys claim in their profiles. Most of it is a bunch of hooey and a pile of bull manure! They say they're looking for a relationship or something serious; because they know it gets a lot of responses from females. Hopefully the desperate kind who'll do anything to get a boyfriend! He'll be everything you could ever want, and more! If he's too good to be true, it ain't true, girlfriend! Thus so many ruinations!
If you come across too needy, and let your desperation for a boyfriend show; you'll trigger even the best t guy's fight or flight instinct! Clingy or needy girlfriends are insecure; and they will drive you nuts! Guys who get fixated or infatuated are just as bad, if not worse! They're like a bad rash! They get under your skin, and they're hard to get rid of!
You have to chill a bit. Don't let "not-having a boyfriend" feed into despair. You'll become reckless and self-destructive. You'll make a fool of yourself. This dry-spell is only temporary. Girlfriend, you're only 22 years-old!
Unfortunately, you were born during an era when people live on their devices; and making lasting or meaningful romantic-connections comes secondary to finding a friend with benefits, or regular hookups on dating apps. Guys in your age-group don't want to be too serious; or they just don't want to deal with relationship-drama. They'd rather sleep around, party, and pursue their boyish-interests; until they get tired of being man-babies and grow-up.
You're psyching yourself into thinking you desperately need a boyfriend and you have to have one NOW!
Big mistake...HUGE! That comes just before you meet some big-time player, he makes you believe you're everything he's been looking for, he rushes you into a whirlwind-romance; and he'll break your heart. Then you'll become embittered, insecure, and a manhater with trust-issues! Your next post will be how rotten guys are, and how will you get over this guy? Better know when you've got it made, kiddo! You've got peace for the moment! You don't answer to anybody! That day will come soon enough!
Enjoy your freedom! Make good use of your down-time by pursuing your interests and doing self-improvement. Get your mind off your self-pity, and stop feeding into your jealousy of others!
Envying what others have, and being jealous, only makes life miserable and claustrophobic. You become ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings and good things that you DO have! They'll become insignificant, just because you don't have what somebody else has. That's a self-made trap, sweetheart! You'll learn!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): Do not give up you will meet someone I promise you. Start by putting on your profile your looking for a serious relationship that will help alot. Try and date someone older. Keep dating it will happen when you least expect it. So make the most of being single for now. I live in London if you want to go out and can help you. Also another idea get a dog they great company and will always be around.
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