A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help to stop this major fighting I'm having with my wife. We're married over 10 years, and I did something stupid over 10 years ago when we were first married (no I didn't cheat). One of my stupid friends who's known us since before we were married, was drunk and a few days ago blurted out what I did. He stupidly assumed that I either told my wife, or that it was so long ago that now it was funny, or OK to say.What I did (and yes I was stupid and an idiot, but it is done, and I thought forgotten). My wife had a camcorder before she met me, the kind that records on videotapes. There was a video which I'm sure she meant to throw out that I found. It was about 7-8 minutes long. At the time we had a dual-vcr player/recorder. I put this video in the player and put a blank 120 minute tape in the recorder slot and recorded and rewound and re-recorded this video onto the new tape over and over again. I filled up the 2 hour tape with this video about 14-15 times or so. We had a big party very early on in our marriage, it was a house-warming party for our first house. I put this tape on in the master bedroom and started to play it after a bunch of people arrived. I kept our bedroom door closed and told several of my male friends, not all at the same time but during the course of our party to go up to our bedroom and watch. I was proud of the woman I married and wanted the guys to be jealeous of whom I had snagged as a wife. I know now that this video was inappropriate to show to others, but I seriously (at the time) didn't think of it as a big deal, I was just glad to have this woman with such talents as my wife. The problem is the video was from before she met me, there was this guy she was dating, I'm not going to put his name here, I'll just call him DB for his initials. Anyway, in this video, my wife took off all his clothes and proceeded to perform oral sex on him, up to and including the cum shot (my wife doesn't swallow, so it was a very obvious finish).Now for the past few days we have had screaming fights and it won't stop. I have appologized repeatedly, but I honestly (I know it was stupid) was proud of her and not trying to be degrading. My wife just won't let it go. What can I do to ensure her that this was soooooo long ago, and I'm reallllllllly sorry. I know I messed up, but it's not a capital crime, just a guy thing I did that was stupid over 10 years ago.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I guess you realize now it was a dumb thing. I do hope you've destroyed the video tape. Best bet...tell her you were ignorant, and dumb. Promise you've never since and never will do anything that will degrade her, then ask her what you can do to make it up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): Well it was really sick it's not surprising that she's acting that way, you acted like an immature child, i can't believe that you embarrassed her so totally! My advice is that you have to be very romantic,do the washing up , buy her flowers, clean the house for at least the next month to show how sorry you are !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Most of the comments here are not helpful. This man requires aid, not more screaming and scolding. Strangers venting their disapproval should do so at the person related to them and not to the person that has nothing to do with you.-----There are two issues here that require tending to. The first issue is why she is mad at you after ten years and the second issue, is what she feels like doing to accept your apologies.Others may say "it's obvious why she is mad", but if ten years of an amazing relationship turns sour for one misdeed of the past that would primarily affect her ego and privacy, I would say that she 'should' be the one coming to DearCupid for 'advice' and not you.The second issue is what she feels like doing. Like all broken relationships, it takes time to mend connections and clear out the channels that flow between you and her. She is a raging volcano right now. The lava that flows out of her is unstoppable. When she yells and screams at you, you allow your ego to defend yourself against the onslaught of potentially hazardous words. Can you focus your mind and stay speechless when she yells back at you? Can you sway your mind away from the hazard itself and give her the release she requires? When she speaks, let her speak. This may seem unjust to you, but if she goes out of line, let her. Let her vent. Let the steam blow out. Give it days and even weeks and months. Eventually, you will find that she may never let go of this and end this with you. Will you chase and pester her then or will you stand there, let her go and reflect on the mistakes of your past? She may also ease off on the absurdity of one misdeed that under-weighs and 'excellent' relationship with her all these years and find this almost laughable. You can then send your apologies then and end the hazardous effects by continuing on with your relationship.For clarity, there isn't much you can do. She is the avalanche. You are the little town below. Rebuild the ruins afterwards, if there is any material left to rebuild.
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A
female
reader, PrincessSarah  +, writes (22 April 2009):
 OMG how can you think that it was a good idea?She probably feels embaressed and ashamed of what shes done. when she shouts at you, take it, Im sorry but u deserve it. Granted it was over a decade ago but she only just found out recently. This is a serious f**k up tht will only get better in timesarah x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2009):
 You are screwed..
That is a MAJOR FARK up. I suggest that you ASK her what you can do to make up for it. I don't know what I would do if it had been me in that situation.
You are going to have to accept that she is totally pissed of at you and most likely will be for quite some time, and honestly she is WELL in her right to be. WTF were you thinking ? I mean really? You want other guys to see how awesome your wife is in bed ? sick. It's ok to be proud and maybe brag but this .... is unacceptable.
You will have to do some serious begging and making up for sure. You have violated her body and her trust. TRUST is way hard to rebuild that will be your job.
Wow.. just wow...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): A guy thing? it's an jerk thing! I don't know many men that would want their buddies to see their wife naked. Yes you did a very stupid thing, a dumpable offence in my book but as it was so long ago, she should let it go but stop trying to make it sound alright what you did and just say 'I know what I did was wrong but I know it now and it happened years ago. So let's let it go now'
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (22 April 2009):
 You had to know that this was going to come up eventually. Some guy was bound to open his mouth and tell your wife, or more likely, one of their girlfriends or wives...
Why? Because everyone is only human and people make mistakes. Which may be the ONLY thing that makes her forgive you. Frankly, that's going to be entirely up to her.
And now your wife feels like everyone sees her as a woman who gives blow jobs and lets it be filmed! She feels exposed and you are the one who did this! And then you omitted telling her about it, but all of your friends know, and whoever they told!
Every single time she she's someone that she knows, she's wondering if they know!!! And this is all fresh and new for her - she's just found this all out! I'm thinking that she is still in a state of shock and that you are going to be in the doghouse for quite some time, if you are allowed to stay in the house at all.
What you did was despicable and I just don't know what you were thinking. If I were you, I would beg, grovel and apologize, in every way. Once, twice, three times, as many times as it takes for as long as it takes. AND do NOT tell her that it's "not a capital crime" or make excuses and try to justify this in any way. Humble yourself and tell her that you DID'T know what you were doing and tell her you didn't think how stupid it was at the time, but you Now realize how stupid it truly was. Take responsibility for what you did. You humiliated, exposed, degraded, embarrassed and BETRAYED her in front of all of your mutual friends. If she allows you to stay, kiss her feet. And be prepared for this to be hanging over your head for a long time, and be prepared to apologize then too. You screwed up, big time.
If you have any close personal friends who are happily married and are willing to mentor you, call them and ask them to "Okay" any future brilliant party entertainment plans, because you really should have know better and it's obvious that someone else is going to have to provide you with a better social filter.
With all the sexting and porn floating out in the net, everyone thinks that it isn't a big deal to do it yourself - and this is a great example of how it can screw up your life.
Don't let yourself be filmed out there! Stop putting things on your phones and sending it out into cyberspace! People have always have their own agendas or dumb ideas and eventually, someone is going to expose your "exposure". If you want to play with a partner, use your own camera and erase the damn thing after you have watched it! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever save it! Hit DELETE!!! *yikes*
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A
male
reader, Love4Life +, writes (22 April 2009):
 WOW....That is crazy. I know your sorry and to you it was something that happened ten years ago but for her this is new. Evert hing she thought she knew has been Violated. Your not going to win this fight. But I would do some major sucking up and fast. You need to treat her and truly let her know you were young and stupid very stupid. She is a mess right now shes probably in shock. She has just found out that against her knowledge your friends have seen her do something that they shouldn't of. She wont be able to look at them without it affecting her. You need to show true remorse and let her have some space. Ten years of happiness should win out in the end. Pamper the hell out of her. I feel for you. The skeletons in our closet have a way of appearing at all the wrong times. But you should have told her. She feels betrayed by the one she loves and trust.
Hope it works out...
Miah
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): This is a tricky one! I can completely understand why your wife is upset. But I can also understand your reasoning that it was so long ago, and you are sorry.
I think your wife probably needs time to get her head around this. Remember, although for you this is an incident from the past, and it happened a long time ago, for your wife it is a recent thing. She has only just found out, so for her this is not something that is from long ago. It is new, and it will probably feel to her almost as though it has just happened.
I think the best thing you can really do is just be there for her, support her, and keep reminding her that you are sorry. But she will need some space to deal with this, so try not to get frustrated or angry if she is upset for a while. Like I said, this is a blow out of the blue for her.
I hope this helps somewhat, and I hope things get resolved for you both. Best wishes.
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