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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm not a hot and sexy female. I know this because ever since I hit puberty, I've lacked the attention my friends got. Then I got a boyfriend, and I felt secure... until time passed, we started getting more comfortable with each other and I started learning about his physical preferences. In short, he likes busty, skinny girls with big, round butts. Out of that, I'm fairly slim and have big hips with a small waist. But my butt isn't big and round and my breasts are small. When I've voiced my insecurities about this, he's told me that yes, he prefers bigger breasts and that my butt isn't as round as he likes, but that to him it's not important and that I can't be perfect because no one is. That I should just let it go, because it's not important. Well, to me it is. I've never been hot and I want to be hot.We have a facebook page for our band and sometimes we get friend requests from "hot chicks" that neither of us know, who're obviously just adding random profiles to increase their number of friends. And he accepts their requests. They look exactly like his ideal! And when I mentioned "Hey, these girls are from our town!" he went like "Oh, really?" with a sort of interested grin. Whenever I voice my insecurities, and when I tell him how his comments about his preferences have affected me, he just thinks it's a mater of grabbing me, kissing me and showing me how turned on he gets by me. But to me it doesn't change the fact that he'd be 2, 3, 4, or 10 times more turned on if I had big breasts, was skinnier and had a round butt. I hate that I can't be hot. Even when I make my biggest effort to look good, guys don't look at me whereas bustier, skinnier girls get hit on a lot, even though they have boyfriends. My boyfriend looks at them. Even though I'm in a band - which these girls wouldn't even dream of being able to do! - guys aren't impressed, even though I've heard being in a band, actually knowing how to play guitar is supposed to be hot and who how amazing a person is! Yet all these girls have to do is flaunt some cleavage and they have all guys drooling, my boyfriend included. He says he loves me for other things than my body, but I don't care. I want to be hot in his eyes, I want to be his ideal! Why did he ever have to tell me about his "preferences"?And by the way, I absolutely think he's perfect as he is and wouldn't change a thing, because I'm not stupid enough to go after a guy that isn't attractive to me.I feel so hurt and I hate my body, especially since I don't even have reassurance that I'm hot from other people. I mean, other guys don't look at me. And the media that is geared for men - Playboy, Maxim, porn - is full of big breasts, skinny waists and big, round butts! I'm sorry if I sound shallow, vain, conceited... but no woman likes to feel unattractive and that's how I feel, if all men want to look at are DDs on a stick! I've never come across a man who actually prefers a small breast to a big one, who actually thinks a pear shaped body is better or who prefers the look of a normal woman than that of a plastic bimbo... not even my dad, and you'd think he'd be more mature than that! And don't say that it's just fantasy, because honestly, why would a guy fantasize about fucking a Playboy playmate but would turn down a girl who looked like that (provided she didn't have STDs) in real life? What man would actually prefer having sex with a normal, flawed woman like me instead of a perfect looking playmate? Honestly? None.I'm sorry if I sound incredibly bitter and upset, but I am, I'm not ashamed to admit I am bitter and I am vain, but if I'm dating a man I want to feel like a sex goddess, not some second option that he's settling for, and sadly, with my experience, I know no man would ever consider me to be a sex goddess, since guys my age have been so brainwashed with porn and the media that none of them like small breasts or a not-so-round butt. They can live with it, but they certainly don't prefer it. I'm not something "to accept and live with". I'm a woman, an amazing woman, and it should be a privilege to be with me!Anyway, what can I do about this? Should I go to therapy, should I get me some anxiety pills? Should I break every mirror in my house, should I get rid of my Internet connection, and TV? Should I date a blind man? Should I become a lesbian? Ok, bitter jokes aside, how can I accept that I'll never be hot and that men will never think I'm physically ideal? I know having a good personality and being an interesting person IS more interesting, but I'm tired of feeling less attractive than the empty-headed bimbos who do nothing else than show off their boobs!Sorry if I offended anyone. It's just how I feel.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): So, if there's a "right shape", then other shapes are "wrong"?
Therefore, I should have the "wrong shape" since guys never look at me!
- Original Poster.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I'd like to second the Fatherly's advice. Right on dude.Can't add a thing.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 Dear original poster anonymous,
Nice Rant. I read through the whole rather long post and enjoyed it. I think actually writing it was more good for you than the answers you will get.
I do think you need answers from Guys. I hope that an old guy's words will ring true to you.
Sexy and hot have nothing to do with shape. Or as Spider Robinson put it, "Never confuse physical form with the capacity for passion." Now, we are guys and our eyes rule our lives. So when something with the right triggers (round shapes are one) walks past we are going to look. As we get older we get more control over that instinct. The trouble is that the girls with the right shape know it and it affects there attitudes, often times making them so conceited that there is no room in their lives for anyone else. By the way hot guys have the same problem. So while they are fun to look at we wouldn't want to be stuck in the same room with them. In the end most guys will end up with a person they get along with.
Back to sexy, and how to be it. Anyone can be sexy. It has to do with how you walk, how you move, the things you say, and more importantly how you say them. A woman can communicate her hotness more with one touch and a whisper than with an hour at the makeup table, $100 bucks at the hair salon and $50 at the nail salon. Not even going into the gym, tanning booth, plastic surgeon.
OK before I write a book to match yours, one last bit of advice. Don't dump that boyfriend of yours. He shows exceptional potential. I like the way he treats you. Sure he isn't done maturing yet. He is still making some mistakes. But, the future looks good.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): every one has insecurities even the big boobed bimbos. your boyfriend told you preferences but that doesn't mean he wants you to be like that, i think that him telling you his preferences is just him telling you that he's extremely comfortable with you and not worried about what you like because from what you've said he finds you pretty attractive. when you you voice your insecurities to him it might make him feel bad for having told you his preferences so his kisses you to show you that he does find you attractive because if he didn't he wouldn't be with you, and don't worry about guts not looking at you because you have a guy already and not all guys like big boobed bimbos. hope this helped
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 Oh dear.
I'm not sure exactly what type of response you'd really like to hear. Some people will have a lot of sympathy for how you feel, others may not.
I am twice your age, and I have lived a great life. I am lucky that I have an athletic frame. I can walk, speak legibly, was born with no obvious physical imperfections, and have a reasonably good brain. I consider myself lucky in that respect.
Because I am a negro in England, I was persecuted at school, and beaten up daily. I couldn't get jobs which I was hugely over-qualified for. All on the basis of how I look.
People never bothered to get to know 'me'. So I overcame this 'problem' by using all the tools God gave me to my advantage. I got the girl, saved the world, spoke with the Queen, partied with her Mother, meet the rich and famous in sport on a regular basis - and did it all without ever looking conventionally hot, or wondering if I could have a better life if something was different.
So my dear, who, and what is 'hot'? You are feeling unattractive and second best because you have small boobs and a pear shape. And you don't feel sexy.
You claim that no-one looks at you. No-one asks you out. The big boobed, round arsed bimbos rule the world right?
WRONG!
You have a boyfriend, who clearly thinks you are hot. You have convinced yourself that he likes the look and shape of the bimbo, based on his response to YOU asking his preferences, and what happens on FACEBOOK?. Come on.
Surely there is more to you than this? You sound like an intelligent person. You're in a band, you can play instruments, you write beautifully - and you would give all that up to be an airhead bimbo?
Well, I have had my share of bimbo's, and when the sex is finished - what then? Bimbos look good at night, or in a restaurant, or a magazine, but when a guy wants something meaningful, like a real relationship which includes immense emotional and sexual satisfaction, they would take their wife/girlfriend over a bimbo in a heartbeat.
My best friends are among many men who prefer small breasts to big DD's. My girlfriend longs for smaller breasts, longer legs and a flat butt. It seems that a lot of people are not satisfied with the wonderful skills and physique that they are born with because they are too busy looking at everyone else.
You are a wonderful, gifted, beautiful, unique and lucky human being. Celebrate that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): My roommate and I just had a discussion about the size of breasts, so I thought I would chime in on what we concluded. Both of us don't deny that we like larger breasts. However, and ironically enough, both of our girlfriends have fairly small breasts (as in an 'A' cup). Although looks are certainly something that drive attraction, most people would trade an excellent personality for perks like large breasts. Additionally, before law school we were both finance majors, so we found an excellent analogy for the big breast/small breast issue. For those of you who understand bonds, think of it this way: smaller breasts have a prime rating because there is little risk with them in the long-run. However, large breasts have a higher rating because they have a much higher risk in the long-run. I.E., in the long-run, larger breasts are likely to sag greatly whereas smaller ones will not as much. From that point of view what would you rather have?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 December 2009):
 You need to accept your boyfriends words, he chose you! He is still with you! He has told you to forget the girls with big boobs and bums! So really, he could get upset with YOU because you keep discounting his choice of girlfriend, and you keep discounting his words.
Have you any idea how demoralising it can be for your words and actions to be pooh poohed all the time and rejected out of hand?
I think you need to accept your boyfriend's choice, or he might find somebody who will accept his words and his reassurances.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): I don't think those girls are fans... they are the type of whorish girls who expose their boobs and ass in facebook, in order to have thousands of friends... on their profiles they just have guys who post "u r so hott" whereas if they were fans they would go to gigs, and I have seen none of them at our shows or anything...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 December 2009):
Whoa, you and he are in a band, and the band has a facebook page, and people are adding the band as friends, but you are more concerned about thier looks than the fact the band appears to have fans?
You need to accept your boyfriends words, he chose you! He is still with you! He has told you to forget the girls with big boobs and bums! So really, he could get upset with YOU because you keep discounting his choice of girlfriend, and you keep discounting his words.
Have you any idea how demoralising it can be for your words and actions to be pooh poohed all the time and rejected out of hand?
I think you need to accept your boyfriend's choice, or he might find somebody who will accept his words and his reassurances.
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A
male
reader, Flashbacks +, writes (10 December 2009):
A lot of times being "hot" and sexy is more than just your looks, it also encompasses the attitude you project. Sure, everyone would like to improve some aspect of their physical appearance, but for the most part, we have to use what we got. Also, different people find different things attractive and sexy. I'm sure in the band scene you will come across a lot of girls who are dressed for the part, cleavage, tan, tons of hairspray, etc. For some that might be good for a one-time lay but what good is it after that? I just think young women especially have too much pressure on them about how to look and feel they have to live up to media hype to look a certain way. Its a shame, because any sensible guy knows that is fantasy and the reality is much different.
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