A
female
age
36-40,
*earheadedgirl
writes:I have a problem. I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 months now, and though it hasn't been easy (we both have some baggage), we're very happy together. We have awesome sexual chemistry, we laugh together and share lots of experiences and great conversation, and really love being with each other.There is one problem...Before he started seeing me, he was "seeing" this girl for about a year and a half. What I'm saying is that they were "friends" who slept together. This resulted in her falling in love with him. However, he says that he never would date her, as she was too "inexperienced" and claimed that she wasn't enough of a "bitch" for him as he needed a very strong independent woman (traits I possess). He told me about her, and said that when he started seeing me, he told her they could no longer sleep together and that they would have to be just friends. I was understanding, though slightly uncomfortable. The problem now is that her and I sort of are against each other. When I realized I was slightly uncomfortable with the situation (I mean come on....my boyfriend is still friends with a girl who he not only screwed for a year and a half, but a girl that is still in love with him). I requested that her and I be introduced so that we could perhaps make friends and not have to be enemies. She made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me, refuses to meet with me, and will not even say my name to my boyfriend. It is obvious she hates me.They hang out with each other about once a week, but he texts with her on a daily basis, for lengthy conversations. I feel as though I have to share him with another woman. He has made it very clear that he won't get rid of her, and that if I made him choose between us that he would choose her, but also states that if she asked him to choose that he would choose me. Trying to be devils advocate or something.New development - I found out that he still has inappropriate pictures of her. I confronted him, he says he got rid of them and apologized, assured that I'm his only girl and that he only wants me in that sense, however still refuses to get rid of her. I don't know what to do. I love him so much. Am I the only one that feels that way? Is he in love with her? What do I do?
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female
reader, gearheadedgirl +, writes (17 December 2009):
gearheadedgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother new development. I was at his house the other day and he got a text from her. So he left the room to have a 45 minute conversation with her. He clearly didn't want me to see, so obviously - I was pissed. When we went to bed I told him so, and then he told me what the conversation was about. He said that he told her that he couldn't see her anymore - his reasoning being that he felt as long as they were friends that she would never get over him and wouldn't be happy.
So - I guess I was wrong. I'd be lying if I said I was sad that he's ditching her. Perhaps I'll be able to more easily trust him now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009): I still think hes playing the field. Hes got you there in love with him and her in love with him. Hes just had to get rid of dodgy pictures of her. Meets her once a week and has contact with her every day. And will get rid of you, if you ask him to ditch her! It might be worth riding it out for a few more months then asking him again to move on from her. If she doesnt want to meet you, shes hardly a real friend of his or she would want to extend that friendship to you too. Telling you she has a boyfriend now might or might not be true. If theres no way you can meet her its hard to tell isnt it. If i were you id leave it a few more months and in the meantime if you see her around stop and talk to her. My partner had a lot to do with his ex wife but she hated me so i could never talk to her. I got fed up with it all one day and contacted her. It turned out my partner hadnt wanted us to talk and so he had created trouble to keep us apart! I stared getting along with her ok but then my partner lost interset in contacting her and he doesnt anymore. He said he doesnt like me having contact with her because hes worried what she may say about him lol. Your partner may be quite happy that you two dont talk. Just tell him if he wont give her up, then you will make it your mission to befriend her as its silly him having a friend that hates you! If he is worried about anything (!) and he genuinely thinks you are going to somehow befriend her, that might make him drop her!
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A
female
reader, gearheadedgirl +, writes (11 December 2009):
gearheadedgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice - I have more updates. He says she now has a new boyfriend, but she still refuses to meet me and treats me like a leper. He says he has made her aware that they will not be in that sort of relationship anymore, and that the only reason he still communicates with her is because of what a good friend she has been. He also says that he would have no problem with me meeting her if she agreed to it. I'm starting to think I'm overreacting? (though none of this changes the fact that he kept illicit photos of her).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Hes playing the field and playing you two off against each other . You dont know what they are getting up to and its not right. Tell him to move on from his `friend with extras` now or its over between you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 December 2009):
Sorry, but this guy is far too into her. I don't think he would leave you for her, because it sounds like he doesn't want her as a wife. But to say if you made him choose he would choose her is something else. If he can't handle an independent women like yourself (which it would appear he may not be able to), then you need to find another guy. He's leading her on, which is cruel, and he speaks with her far too much. If it was a chat a week, fine, but it's every day, and I think if he's looking for a relationship with any women, he's got to stop that. Don't be blackmailed by a guy who's supposed to love you. Plenty of men don't speak to their ex's, and plenty of men have even moved on from their ex's at their girlfriend's request. Your his girlfriend, so he's supposed to choose you over his ex. He's made it clear he has no real loyalty to either of you.
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