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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: How can I accept being ugly?I'm too old to be wondering this. But I'm ugly, as a kid I felt awkward about my appearance and high school was hell with all the bullying. There are things I can change, like lose a little weight, take care of my skin, dye my hair... there are others which would require surgery, like breast implants, maybe a nose job... but the majority of things, I CAN'T change, like my height, my hair quantity and texture (it's both fine and thin, I actually think it's thinning), the shape and size of my bone structure, the way my facial features are put together, the color of my skin, the color of my eyes, etc. The point is, the majority of things I find ugly and I can't change them. I will never find them beautiful. I need to know how I can accept myself as is. I know I'm smart, I know that's valuable, but for me that has always paled in comparison to being beautiful (let's stop being PC for a while, it's obvious that in women, being beautiful is more valuable than being smart, especially in relationships, but even for jobs). I need to stop caring about my appearance, or start learning how to appreciate my body for what it can do. The problem is I've never been very athletic either, I'm really weak, so exercise has always been frustrating. I don't know what to do, but when I get caught up in how beautiful girls are adored, even when they are not very smart (not all of them, I'm not generalizing), but I'm left aside, I get really depressed. I honestly hate the way I look, I feel gross. But I can't go on feeling this way, I just don't know how to stop.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (19 June 2014):
Dear OP,
Thank you for clarifying that this has also to do with your cultures' standards. I've been to a south american country (Brazil) for one month and I was really surprised how much people are into a very narrow definition of "beauty". I've started to feel self-conscious about my skin-color, teeth, breast and butt size there, although in my home country, I am considered pretty. The pressure is obviously there. Also, I can confirm the sexist part, I felt very uncomfortable there, to go out at night or something was impossible alone. And men were really straightforward in asking and pushing for sex.
But I believe wherever you are, there is some subculture of sensitive people who are not willing to conform to those standards and live according to the mainstream. Before changing your nose, have you considered trying to find new friends, who are more like you? Or maybe moving to a different city in your country (there are always more liberal and more conservative cities)?
Because from your second post, I can see that you're actually a critically thinking person. I don't believe you would be fully satisfied as soon as you conform to those narrow beauty standards, because you actually criticise them. You CAN think beyond them. You know that they are NOT really what beauty is about. So, don't betray your intelligent spirit, dear. Maybe you can also find a feminist community in your country and share your experiences?
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (18 June 2014):
Just a minute, hardly anyone can be described as ugly, and even then it's the ugliness on the inside that really makes someone unattractive! I bet you are not ugly at all... Everyone has aspects of themselves they do not like. I'm 44 and am only just coming to terms with my limitations in the looks department and wondering why I ever wasted time worrying about these things. There is a whole life out there waiting for you to enjoy, whatever you look like. I think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor to help your self image.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I suspect Body Dysmorphic Disorder too, you know why ? because otherwise you'd look thing from another perspective and, while maybe still being unsatisfied with your appearance, you would have to come to terms just with being average. Average.Not ugly. You would have made the obvious consideration that maybe you don't particularly stand out in a crowd, ... but you also would not feel that you stand out negatively.
I mean, you live in South America ! How many , in percentage, Nordic- descent , blonde, blue eyed , milky white women do you reckon there are, say, among millions of Brazilian women ?! Or in Argentina, where the wide majority of the population is of Spanish/ Italian descent. Or in Peru... yeah, tonnes of Californian surfer babes in Peru ...uhm,not really.
Imagine if you lived in Scandinavia then, THERE you 'd really feel miserable about yourself.
Mine may seem a very banal consideration, but it's not- what is esthetically acceptable is strongly influenced , determined even, socially. From what you see around you.
A black woman might perhaps ( not necessarily ) feel self conscious about her skin colour if she lived in Norway- but surely not in Senegal.
If you CHOOSE to compare yourself against a mini- segment of population, and hold that as an absolute standard of beauty ,... conveniently forgetting the remaining 98% of the people who shares more or less your physical features, and to whom, if really you are in the mood for beauty contests , you should compare yourself, - then this makes me think that your insatisfaction with your looks comes not so much from any real or perceived " imperfections ", as from a distorted , dysfunctional way of thinking that does not reflect your actual reality, but your own partial interpretation of reality.
For instance, and I think this is significant : you say that local males are all drooling after tall, blonde maned gringas,- it makes sense, we all lust after the exceptional, the rare. BUT ( and there's no contraddiction in that ) , they do not ONLY drool after Barbie clones. As a matter of fact, both from personal travel experience, and from readings, and from what I am told by many South American friends / aquaintances, in fact there the idea of beauty is way more inclusive, more .." democratic " if you wish. They like them gringas, they like them morenas, ... they like them all, God bless them. You are SURELY not in a place where black eyes or a tanned skin is a deterrent for men
you'd be much worse placed , as for that, in some areas of Europe or North America. That you haven't minimally noticed this , makes me think that the problem is not in your body, it is in your rigid thought process . Try and change that, with the help of a good professional, and you'll see that then you won't feel as if your body needs all these adjustments.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): It might help, at least to begin with, if get into the mindset of treating yourself like you would a friend. If a friend was crying and upset and constantly down because she felt ugly, what would you do to cheer her up and comfort her? This is what you need to do with yourself. Make friends with yourself and it will help a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): I'm the op, I want to thank everyone for the kind words. While they don't cure my problem, they do comfort me.I live in South America, in a country which follows American beauty standards. Here, being white, blonde and blue or green eyed is the ideal, of course also being thin and having large breasts. Some people look like that and they are regarded as very beautiful. The darker your skin tone and eyes, the least beautiful and more ordinary you're considered unless you have drop dead gorgeous features. I'm in the in between group, but I lean more towards ordinary. I wish I had beautiful South American hair for example, but I have European hair of the horrible kind. Also, society here is very sexist and male dominated, so a lot of men and even some women make a huge difference in how they treat you based on how you look. These standards are pushed everywhere, from children's shows to the news, etc. It's "common knowledge" so to speak and widely accepted that being white, blue eyed and blonde means you're instantly beautiful.My family is ok even though sometimes they made these statements. My sister is whiter and has hazel eyes and big boobs. She never had problems in school as she was constantly validated. I'm a very reserved person and I feel embarrassed to discuss these topics, but when I've brought them up, my family tend to brush them off as being silly and if I am really affected by it they even get a little annoyed and tell me to focus on something more important. I just hide it we'll now. I never told them about the bullying because I was embarrassed and didn't think it was such a big deal. I have a few friends who, the few times I've brought this up, tell me I'm beautiful and that's it. It's like no one really understands.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): We get posts like yours quite frequently. We can only see your words; but in most cases the sad and desperate people behind the words need professional-help. More than just the comforting words we give them. Many are already in therapy; but kind words don't change your perception of yourself. What it is that you look at in the mirror and hate. Hours and hours of therapy sometimes can't stop some person from hating who they are. If they work hard enough, they do find a way to deal with it. You are old enough to seek help on your own.
When I grew up, even girls considered very pretty got bullied. Nothing anyone says on this site will penetrate your self-hatred. The trauma just runs too deep for mere words.
You feel good when people say nice things to you; but you will walk away feeling the same about yourself as you did before. Angry at nature, because you weren't made the way you imagine you should look. You gave a list of things you said you could do that would make improvements. You know you can do them, so do it.
We can't convince you that you're not a monster. Read your own words. That is a young woman hating herself and feeling sorry for herself, really just because she refuses to be grateful for life. You have youth. You have a lot to look forward to, because you can't predict the future. If you're not beautiful, so what? You're alive. You can use your undiscovered talents to do wonderful things. You can get a good education and contribute to the world. Help other people who feel as you do about themselves. Learn what is wrong, and how to deal with it.
You can wear makeup, change your hair, wear nice clothes, and that changes the outside. You have to change the inside. You obsess over looks and hate yourself; because magic doesn't exist. Because your eyes and your mind say you're not beautiful. You are missing out on life feeling looks are the key to living. While there are people out there who are not esthetically beautiful; ignoring mirrors, loving themselves, and spending life feeling blessed in other ways.
You grew up with two parents, possibly a sibling or two. Have you never asked them to let you see a doctor to find out why you spend so much time hating how you look?
You know it has to be an issue in your mind; because your appearance in a mirror shouldn't be bringing you down so badly. Look around you. You're not the ugliest person in the world. Nothing I can say will change how you feel, until you decide you'll get help; and decide to just deal with it. The heck with people and what they think.
I'm sorry my dear. Our words are useless. You don't believe anything we say. We know you're not as ugly as you claim you are, even without seeing you. Because we all know that there are mental disorders that some people have that distorts their appearance in their own minds.
You got bullied. I think there is more to your story than that. It is a fact, that bullying traumatizes people for life. You insist it's because you are ugly. No, it was because the bullies were cruel. They made fun of you; because THEY were ugly. No one can figure-out why, or explain how cruel and relentless children can be to one another. It baffles the mind. They grow up totally oblivious to the suffering they've inflicted on other children.
Even worse, you grew up between two parents who never did a thing about how you feel about yourself. That's where the mystery lies for me. You can describe your "so-called" ugliness down to the last detail. You hate who you down to the last strand of hair. No adult in your life noticed this while you were a teenager? I'm really baffled.
You had to find a reason; so you picked the thing you hate most about yourself. You hated your looks long before bullies came along. They just put the icing on the cake.
Now you're the bully, beating up on a sweet girl who only needs to find someone professional that can help her to get inside herself. Dig and figure-out what hurts inside that makes the outside seem so ugly that it is making your feel depressed and so hopeless. You're blaming yourself. Something else you aren't talking about must have happened to you that you've pushed deep inside.
So it is really important that you see a mental-health professional. You don't say one solitary word about your family. It's like you are a solitary soul all by yourself on this plant. No mother, no grandmother,no aunts, or sisters, no girlfriends. No-one lifts a finger to help you to feel better about yourself? Either that, or they must be helping to bully and make you feel bad. You don't indicate what country you're from either. You left out a lot of stuff. I look for details. Too much is missing.
Tell me. Are you on antidepressants and under drug-therapy that you have not taken for an extended time? If you haven't, please see your therapist at once.
Even if if you get therapy for the rest of your life, no one can make you accept yourself but you.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I’m not sure if this is (100%) accurate; but I have heard of Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). It may prove insightful to read and understand why you perceive yourself as unattractive and to seek treatment before this becomes severe or disabling?
You need to start treating yourself kind :)
Best of health intended – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): I am an artist and I am also referred to as 'beautiful' by people. What I know they mean is that I am very pretty by stereotypical standards, enough to just tip into their scale of 'beauty' but I am not, in their estimation, one of the really ravishing 'handsome' type beauties that they would score more highly.The thing is, I have never, not in my whole life, FELT beautiful when people say this to me or even when men look at me as if I am. All I feel is a 'disconnect' from myself.The main reason I think is that growing up we had the most puritanical mother who never once mentioned to us girls what we looked like in terms such as pretty or beautiful. In fact, there was total silence surrounding that. My mother had not been allowed her own mirror growing up and she was kinda stuck in a time warp in many ways. It made me feel very, very strange growing up and my elder sister suffered a lot from it.But I now have a PhD in Fine Art and I have actually studied stereotypical female beauty as part of my thesis. I can tell you that on a personal level my so called 'beauty' has only EVER been a source of bewilderment for me and a lot of pain - it took me decades even to understand that other women can be very, very jealous of women that THEY consider to fit a stereotypical picture of beauty - without my realising it, it was causing me huge problems everywhere I went - I was a single mum from a young age and it took about twenty years before I finally figured out why all the (older) and married women were extremely guarded around me, even though I was just quiet and friendly and unassuming - they were worried I was a husband snatcher. Similarly at work I realised far too late in the day that other women would bitch about me or immediately rule me out as a friend based on my looks, which I was actually oblivious to. Finally, after many failed friendships with men - often married I might add - who I honestly thought just wanted to be friends and then later they'd confess they wanted more - I realised that my so-called 'beauty' was a problem. Has it ever helped me to get friendshps? No, the opposite. A man that I genuinely wanted a relationship with - No because I was so oblivious to my own looks that I had no clue how to manipulate men even in the 'normal' way tha twomen do to attract a guy.After also researching the issue and being an artist who makes figurative work, I know that I have a totally, totally different idea of what beauty is. Your so called 'ugly' would definitely be what I would call beautiful. Most 'beauty' is derived from stereotypes made up in a particular way to suit overly-masculinised ideals that even most men admit are just 'fantasies' - the vast majority of men know and love 'real' women who don't fall into these model type looks and the ones who do want the model type look are very often into porn or literally just following through a fantasy. The kind of look that I think you wish you had has been promoted relentlessly by advertising and commerce and to me it is so very fake. I love seeing real men and women and find this very beautiful. As for myself, I just have the feeling I'm quite boring - as I say I'm no striking beauty even by stereotypical standards - my looks are nothing amazing really - but other people are so hung up on these ideal standards that they've been brainwashed with that they often look for that in people and project it onto them. Not everyone, but a lot of them. And we learn to do this to ourselves too. I can look at myself in the mirror and see how I do and do not fit an 'ideal' type of women but the thing is I FEEL nothing at all - if anything, just frustration at the stupid situations it's gotten me into. I remember I once told a female artist who I really looked upto and who was older than me and I regarded as very talented, that she had 'everything' as far as I was concerned - a great partner, a great job, wonderful talent. I really, really wanted to be in her position and I was just starting out and with young child in tow it was incredibly hard. You know what she said to me " but you are beautiful". I was so upset! I honestly couldn't believe that this amazing woman was even thinking in that way! And I was so upset that she thought it would make any difference to me at all - my estimation of her went down massively after that, because it was such a shallow thing to say, after I'd thought she had a special insight into things.So what I'm saying is there really ARE other forms of beauty and people are increasingly aware of them and starting to prefer this compared with the commercialised look. I'm not saying neglect yourself though. Work with what you have - if you are weak with thinning hair you probably need extra iron. And if you don't fit a stereotype but want to, even a bit, then you will need to experiment - maybe a lot maybe a little - just get out and look very closely at how other women present themselves - if you honestly care about appearance that much then you'll have to put some creative effort in. But bear in mind what I say - it honestly can make life harder and at the end of the day it really is how you FEEL that matters.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (17 June 2014):
Dear OP,
There are things you'll have to accept: Like your body height. Or your hair texture. There's nothing you can do about it, it's genetics.
However, it's too easy to just say "I need to accept being ugly". There are things you can do about your body, healthy things like exercising, eating well. Also taking care of your clothing, personal hygiene, styling..
Every grown up, good-looking woman I know makes some effort for her body (and every good-looking man too). In my opinion, to do something for your looks is better than to just cry about how the world is unfair and people are shallow.
Yes, the world IS unfair and it favors beautiful people, there's no need denying that. No one will see at first sight whether you are smart, or kind or if you've got any inner values. That's life. I bet that you, as well, are not able to see peoples' "inner beauty" right away.
So my advice is to forgive yourself for not being perfect, forgive others for not seeing all of your qualities. Make it easier for you and the world by just taking care of what you can, without hurting yourself.
You don't need to become obsessed with your looks and get surgery. But maybe you will find out how much joy it can bring when you stand in front of the mirror, after a gentle work out, or with a new dress or a favorable hair cut. To highlight the beauty of your body can be first of all a pleasure for yourself.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (17 June 2014):
 You don't need to change your looks, only your perception.
I am not going to insult your intelligence and claim that being beautiful doesn't open doors. It does. I have a female friend who, as well as being a nice person, is incredibly beautiful. Her experiences of everyday life does tend to be different to the rest of us. If she breaks down in her car, there's a queue of people round the block almost fighting over being the first to help; if she walks into a shop/store, the male staff are soooo keen to please; men in the queue flirt and offer her their place in the line and open the door for her. I break down: nobody stops, I get people take the piss. I go into a shop - takes me half an hour to get a sales person to acknowledge me. You get the picture. My friend gets chatted up by ever handsome man, admired by all the women, and her male superiors fall over themselves to promote her into their office....
YET my friend is anorexic. Bullied at school by those jealous of her looks, used and abused by men who only see her as a "hot babe" and not a person with emotions, feelings and needs. My friend gets hit on all the time by men, yet she has trouble finding a decent partner amongst the cocky, arrogant guys. She has a great career as a PA yet deep down she knows its her figure and not her brains that got her to where she is now.
Gorgeous women, even the incredibly stupid ones, get LOTS attention from men....99.9% of those men basically want to screw them. They don't care for their feelings, problems, future, personality, they just want a hot body to fondle or to hang off their arm to impress their mates. Drop dead gorgeous women get a LOT of attention from dirty old men, sleazy guys, wankers, dick heads, blokes who wont take no for an answer....! Stunning girls get beaten up by jealous people, even have acid thrown in their face, get stalked....! So being beautiful isn't all good by any means.
Its like being filthy rich - everyone wants to be your friend and lots of people want to sleep with you...but deep down you would know that if you suddenly became poor they would vanish.
Beauty is very much a subjective thing. Women I find incredibly attractive, other men wont like at all. My good looking male friend tells me his girlfriend is a "cracker", well I saw her and she did nothing for me. My friend LOVES large, black women over 50. I prefer slimmed white women in their 30s. Im 5'8" so prefer a shorter women, some men love tall gals.
The one person who's opinion does not count at all when it comes to assessing YOUR beauty, is your own. Beauty, looks, sex appeal, call it what you will, is based on what others think of you, not what you think of yourself. Its like social skills for example - doesn't matter one bit how you come across to yourself, its how others interpret your interactions that decide where you have good social skills or not.
Few women can match the Photoshopped images that grace magazines. With professional make up and hair, well lit with soft lighting and flattering poses and camera angles some women look incredible....until you see them in real life. The airbrushed model look is not real. Its fake.
Looks fade, and for those who have looks in abundance, the only way is down. With age we loose our looks to some extent. How many stunning women who were once revered and treaded like a goddess soon become discretely discarded by their shallow partners and passed over for the next young hot thing? No looks alone just wont do. Personality is key.
Why would you want to change your height, eye colour, skin colour? Ive never heard of anyone not getting a loving partner or being attractive because they had the wrong colour hair, skin or eyes! SOme men like short women, some like tall, some men REALLY like whatever your height is. Eyes? Ive dated girls with dark brown eyes, blue, green, hazel, boss-eyed and bloodshot...(not the same girl obviously). Breast implants? WHY? Many men, me included, love women with a subtle chest.
You need to feel confident and happy with your looks THEN men will see you as gorgeous. Its not your looks or your figure, but the way you use them! Councelling may help you overcome the bullying that sadly makes you feel ugly. Im sure you are not.
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): We all find something very ugly about ourselves. I think my breasts are ugly and I hate all the facial hair I have that I constantly have to remove. Hairy arms, coarse hair on my legs. But beauty takes work. If you put effort into your appearance, you will feel better. I can't tell you how much difference a hair cut and dye makes. You can cut your hair in such a way that will soften your facial features and hair color changes might brighten your skin tone. I am sure you are not as bad at all as you think. The important thing is never to label yourself as ugly. Do you have two arms, two legs, two eyes and lips and nose? Then you are a normal human being. I think you should stop putting yourself down and thinking "well I could do this and that but...my hair is too thin or my body is weak." Start lightly exercising, buy some new clothes that flatter your figure. Go to a cosmetics counter and ask them to show you a good, easy routine. Makeup always brightens my day. You sound like a lovely person. Start today. Do those things you mentioned that you CAN change about yourself. Don't think about the radical things like plastic surgery because you most likely don't need it as much as you think you do. I'm your age. I can also tell you that being considered attractive is a burden. Cat calling and harassment happens on a day to day basis. People also think attractive girls aren't or can't be smart. So we aren't taken seriously. I bet you have lovely features that you are failing to recognize. Love yourself, there is only one of you. :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 You need a massive change of perspective and attitude. I doubt any words any of us write will do that for you. But I do have a few suggestions of things for you to experience and read which may get the point across in a very visceral way.
So for the next 48 hours, go on about your day as though you were visually impaired or blind. (Don't drive, of course.) No mirrors, no checking for flaws or wardrobe mistakes or anything in the mirror. Only you and your body and what it can do.
You will interact with people with all other senses, except sight.
Do that and report back in 48 hours.
Read this blog: http://melissabxoxo.blogspot.com/p/about-me.html
(Of course, you can read something, you just can't look in the mirror for the next 48 hours.....)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): "I will never find them beautiful. I need to know how I can accept myself as is." Well, I guess you're stick for as long as you convince yourself you'll never find yourself beautiful."I know I'm smart, I know that's valuable, but for me that has always paled in comparison to being beautiful (let's stop being PC for a while, it's obvious that in women, being beautiful is more valuable than being smart, especially in relationships, but even for jobs)" - what job would hire a stereotypically beautiful person who can't do the job over someone less so who can do it? That business would fail - tremendously. Maybe you're going for the wrong jobs or, more likely, assuming whoever got the job was more "aesthetically pleasing" than you.You're not too old to be wondering about it, but you are going to need to stop the self-hatred.You start by telling yourself what is good about you and what you CAN do, and stop telling yourself what is "bad" about you and what you CANT do. Swap the negative thinking with positive thinking.Tell yourself EVERY DAY in the mirror that you are good enough and you are pretty. Also Google "Savannah Brown Slam Poem". It's worth the listen.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 I'm certain that you are not ugly! God don't make junk you have a poor self image and that is fixable with therapy. go get some.
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