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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, Its the porn issue again. Normally Im cool with it, but ive got myself upset about it. Ive know for a long time that he looks at porn, it didnt really bother me and he knew that at times i was a little fed up with it, felt like he was viewing them over me, he always told me this wasnt the case and that im special, he fancies me, loves me and no one can take my place, and these things on the net are just time fillers. Just something he does in his own time and when im not here. Its now got though that we havent had sex in a couple of weeks, which isnt unusual, but ive just seen that hes looked at copious amounts of porn this week, and i now think thats why we are not having sex, we have just got into a row over it and hes like you know how special you are to me, it doesnt mater how much porn i look at i still always fancy you as your YOU and they are just there! the porn does not reflect our relationship its just stuff that i do when im bored and your not here. So how can I get it in my head that thats the case.. I dont want to fall out with him as i think its silly over images, but at the same time hate it, i know he loves me fancies me and when we have sex its fantastic, how can i change my view that what he does in his own time doesnt reflect our relationship ? We are very open with one another and nothing as ever come between us, but i cant get past this at the moment and its driving me nuts, why do men have to look at the images and think its ok and when their girlfriends mention it they think they making a big issue out of it when they think its nothing! Just that now ive mentioned it im gonna be feeling that hes going to have sex with me just because im complained!! I really dont care that he looks at porn, just would rather he did that and have sex with me!! Dont know how to get him to see that I think its taking place of our sex life, when all the while he thinks its me reading too much into it. He says that sex is great with us, just at times likes to do his own thing!Any advice would be great!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 August 2006):
 "...the porn does not reflect our relationship its just stuff that i do when im bored and your not here. So how can I get it in my head that thats the case..."
The thing is, porn is effecting your relationship. So getting that thought into your head that it's not is not a good idea... it's wrong.
There's lots of 'porn is evil' rants around that rather cloud the issue. Putting whatever moral and religeous arguments aside, it is clear that porn can and often does have negative effects on people's relationships. Not everyone, and not always, but often enough that porn shouldn't just be accepted because 'blokes look at porn'.
Blokes look at porn because it is (currently) socially acceptable, incredibly easy to get hold of, and in plentiful supply. What is more, porn culture is currently fashionable, mainly because it makes money for the companies that benefit from it being fashionable. Notice these reasons have nothing to do with it being natural or good.
I suggest you ask him to stop all porn. If it really 'means nothing to him', then he can show that by cutting it out. A cigarette addict can claim that 'they don't really smoke', but take away their cigarettes and see what happens... This is the true test of addiction / problems. Let him prove to you that it's meaningless by cutting it out. If he can't do this easily and painlessly then that itself shows it is a problem...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2006): If he went train spotting, would you be worried that you wern't a train?
Has he felt the need to write to an internet agony aunt site that you feel you haven't enough clothes, and want to spend one of the two days of the week you have together in a shopping mall?
Blokes are blokes, and blokes look at porn. Think about that the next time you watch a soap opera
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check  +, writes (24 June 2006):
 I think you are both kidding yourselves if you think it's 'just a time filler'. If that was the case, and he saw you were upset, he'd be able to stop it. Unfortunately, he has fallen down the path of obsession. Perhaps he could actually do something useful with his spare time, rather than petting the monkey in front of his pc? go to the store, fix the cupboard...anything!!! I think you need to let him know its you OR the porn.
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A
female
reader, Pinky +, writes (24 June 2006):
 If he is saying the sex is great with you two, then he's not LISTENING to you. Apparently he doesn't give a rat's patootie what you think about his porn habit and does not take your feelings into account. His all important porn habit comes first. *sigh* You have every right to feel the way you do. What if you were the one watching the porn? How would he feel or react to that? Or how about if you spent a lot of time on something and neglected him because of it? Or how about something threatening to his masculinity? Men don't see porn actors as real human beings; if they did, they wouldn't want to see them all debase themselves for money. You wouldn't want anyone you loved to be used as a masturbatory tool for someone else, right? He doesn't see the porn people as humans, they're just toys he takes out and plays with, satisfies himself and puts them away. This is why porn can be harmful -- men start to see real life women the same way. They might see women as sexual tools for their own pleasure and complain that you "nag" or that you're a "bitch" whenever you have needs outside of sex. Porn is harmful, but because it feels good at the moment, no one wants to admit this. Eating a Big Mac also feels great but is it GOOD for you? He might also have an addiction, and that's not funny. Addictions have consequences and everyone around the addict suffers. Obviously if he's neglecting you but not his porn, there's a serious problem. You're coming second, dear. You may want to lay it on the line with him. You deserve better than to be a runner up to porn.
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