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female
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*iero
writes: Boyfriend likes to keep exes around and call them by their pet namesDear Cupid, I'm not sure how to handle this. When I found out, my emotional world came crashing down. My live-in boyfriend (I just moved in with him, we've been together a year), a man 12 yrs my senior (he's 40) likes to stay in regular touch with at least 2 exes (he won't even discuss how many of his other friends are exes because he doesn't want me to freak, he gets angry and shuts down if I insist on knowing about his past, which frankly doesn't feel like it's the past). One in particular, Julie, likes to send him christmas and birthday cards with messages about remembering what they shared, referring to him by his pet name when they were lovers and signing her lover pet name. They've been broken up for at least 3-4 years and they were together for almost a decade. When he responds to her emails or cards (because he doesn't seem to take the initiative to send any cards himself, just responds to those sent to him), he signs his pet name as well. During an evening with his family, his brother-in-law asked about how that particular ex was doing. He curtly responded "don't call her my ex, she's not an ex, I don't see her that way," as if it was denigrating to label her that. This breaks my heart.I found out about this other friend, who is an ex as well, and they call each other by their pet names as well. This is unusual for me, I've never had to deal with this before. He says he prefers women as friends and finds it too weird to stop calling his exes by the names he's always called them and besides, he claims he doesn't want to get back with them anyways. I find it's wayyyyy too intimate for a platonic friendship, and it hurts me deeply. I can't imagine calling my exes "babykins" like in the old days and to send them cards with messages about never forgetting what we had and to always be there for each other. I feel as though this level of intimacy that he wants to nurture with his female friends is eroding my trust and intimacy with him(he doesn't talk to his male friends like this at all!) This caused a major rift, and even though he sees his friends much less often than he used to, it absolutely stings when there is contact, and as a result, I want nothing to do with his friends. He claims to not be possessive at all and would not be bothered by this kind of behavior from me. Am I freaking over nothing? If I'm not, how do I get him to understand that this behavior has seriously changed how I view his character, I told him it's jeapordizing what we have, but he still calls his 2 exes by their pet names anyways, just more covertly now. He said if ever Julie was in crisis, he'd be there for her. I told him that would be the end of us. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): You are wise to question your bf's character and his committment to you. He is making choices about his relationship with the ex gf's that is plainly upsetting to you and yet, he continues these ongoing relationships anyhow, knowing his behaviours disturb you, then..this gives you an enormous amount of information about his character. Dear, you need to draw boundaries about the kind of behaviours andf connections you will permit in your love relationships and he needs to learn to say goodbye to his ex gf's, the 'pet names', the loving endearments, the overly friendly emails...all of it. I think it is time for you and he to have a serious talk about trust-building. I have to wonder why you seem fearful about telling him all this. If he threatens to end the relationship...is that the way you want to have a devoted, happy love relationship. Always wondering if you bring up 'touchy' issues in the future that upset him..he will theaten to leave. You cannot conduct an equal, loving relationship under the veil of threats. The biggest problem here is you 'fear' losing him. Now the pain you will suffer in this relationship will always be a direct result of staying 'faithful' to that fear. I have to say, if your relationship continues down this path and he keeps up these shenanigans with the ex gf's without concern for your feelings...then 'blind fear of losing this man' will forever run this relationship and dear, that isn't healthy. I dunno, Many of us couldn't live that way. Have that talk and set some boundries or walk away.
A
female
reader, rmugrl26 +, writes (26 June 2006):
I don't think you are making too much of it. I am currently back together with my high school sweetheart. He lives in the house he lived in with his ex and I can still find things of hers around. Even the bedspread is hers and that bothers me. I tell him about it and he says nothing about it. He still talks to her, hangs out with her sometimes. And doesn't seem to care how I feel about all of this. But u are def not making something out of nothing. I find it disrespectful for him not to care how you are feeling. He should look at it from your point of view and not use the pet names anymore. You are not asking for much from him. And he should understand that and care about how you feel about everything including this. It hurts to hear him call them by thier petnames. How would he really feel if u had the same relationship with an ex....probably hurt and not take it as well as he seems to think he will. Make it clear there are non negotiables and this is one of them....then leave when he doesn't keep up his end of the bargain. That is my next step.
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A
female
reader, Hiero +, writes (24 June 2006):
Hiero is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that we live in a new home, his exes never lived in it but it is filled with memorabilia even old toothbrushes, perfumes, and hair care products (some of these things are more than 5 years old,they broke up almost 4 years ago), I feel like I'm sharing the bedroom with Julie's ghost even though she's never lived here, it's surreal. Old valentines, old love letters, scrapbooks, lock of her hair, random items cropping up in files, bookcases, medicine cabinets, it's driving me insane since I've been living here, I really didn't expect anyone to hold on to this much memorabilia and I thought I held on to everyhting! I absolutely lost it when I had accidently stumbled on one item too many after settling in the house after the move, he reacted worse than me, he threatened to end our relationship while packing up what I had found with extreme resentment. He really does love me, and feels none of this should pose any threat, especially since "it's not like I'm hiding anything, so it shows I just never got around to clearing out her stuff, I just keep everyhting" I just need help figuring out how to cope with his ghosts, especially the one who reguarly reminds him never to forget in her cards. How I can I discuss this subject, get my point across that it is emotionally disturbing me in a daily way, without him getting hyper-defensive and threatening to end the relationship right them and there. Thanks for your help.
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