A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have lost guy friends due to them having feelings for me and so when one of my married guy friends started to get distant, I asked him if it was because he was getting feelings. He said, "I dont really have feelings. I've cut feelings out of things like this because where I am in my life right now, I cant have any feelings." I understand that he cant have feelings for anyone else bc of his marital status, however, I'm confused as to how he says "I cut feelings out of things like this." How does one even "cut feelings out" of friendships? Isn't it uncontrollable who you fall for? Is it really something that the men can control?For example, I hadn't meant to fall for this guy friend, but I did. I didn't WANT to fall for a married guy, but I did. (I dont have intention to be with him, so please don't do a guilt trip.) He says that he's never had a connection with any other woman the way he's had it with me and that I make him happy. Yet how has he not developed feelings? How does he cut out feelings? I dont understand. Please, I just want answers that address what I'm asking, not people who want me to feel bad. Thank you Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 January 2016):
 Maybe he started getting distant because he noticed or guessed that YOU have romantic feelings for him ?
I think both his getting distant and his words simply mean : " I am married . Don't get any ideas. Let's not even get there . This is not a conversation we should have ".
Yes, it is possible for a man to find a woman attractive, personable , a great coworker, great fun to be with, etc.etc. and NOT be in love with her.
And it is also possible for a committed man to sort of start " catching felings " for another woman , and just nip it in the bud, choosing to not indulge these vague feelings, not to wallow in them. We DO have a measure of control over our emotions . Not everybody gets overwhelmed and carried away by their passions and feelings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): He has maturity to accept inappropriate or unwelcome thoughts or feelings and process them quickly without wanting or indeed needing to act on them. His needs and desires are fully met by his wife and he prioritises that. He has strong boundaries. People with strong healthy boundaries that work well for them don't need to question them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): I think you're taking your male friend too literally. Let's compare it to having a doctor/patient relationship.
A doctor is human like anyone else. They see people at their most vulnerable stages of health; and examine us without our clothes on. There is somewhat of a professional detachment that allows a health-professional to still feel, show compassion, and really care about people. Yet, they maintain an objectivity that allows them not to let their emotions get too close out of empathy or even physical attraction. Sometimes we all have to exercise this detachment, in order to stay faithful and true to someone we've committed to, and to set the proper parameters around friendship. Some things you just don't do with or for just a friend.
Your male friend is faithful to his wife, and his detachment is due to his loyalty to his spouse. Not to say he doesn't have manly feelings or attraction to other women. He sets boundaries around his feelings for other women; and he simply put it in the most direct and blunt terms. You certainly got the point.
He knows how to "cut them off" and keep things in proper perspective. A friend is a friend. Attraction for a friend turns it into a romance; even if it's an infatuation. It doesn't mean he is Vulcan and has no emotions or that men can completely shutoff our feelings like a light-switch; although I have shutdown my emotions to deal with a crisis or emergency. I've needed to be focused; or I wanted to make decisions without my heart getting in the way.
People often write DC because it is difficult for them to maintain their self-control, throttle their tempers, control their sexuality; or curb their enthusiasm. They allow their emotions to run away from them and practice no self-discipline; then claim they can't help it. It isn't that the can't help it. They don't want to. It's more of a sense of entitlement than anything.
Catching romantic feelings for friends is usually out of neediness and a bit of opportunism. It's so convenient. You can go overboard in either direction. Not caring enough, or caring far too much. It should be in the middle for friendship. You can love a friend of the opposite or same-sex without romantic feelings. That's what your friend is telling you.
All men are not slaves to their penises and our emotions don't have an "on and off" switch; because we don't always display them so easily. We learn from boyhood how to hide them and claim they're not there.
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A
female
reader, SmartiePants007  +, writes (22 January 2016):
The man is married. He loves his wife and does not want his feelings to progress for you, which is why he started keeping his distance. You should respect him for that and not try to pursue anything with him. He belongs to someone else, end of story.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (22 January 2016):
I think Honeypie describes it well. I don’t think you can literally cut feelings out, if by that you mean stop feeling things. What you can do (and what he probably is referring to) is control them. You can’t stop yourself feeling things, caring about people or feeling attracted to people. You just don’t have to act on those feelings. I think he is probably telling you that he is a person whose actions aren’t primarily driven by his feelings but by more rational judgements. Some people are very emotional and led by their feelings. They wear their hearts on their sleeves, act impulsively and take the risk of getting hurt and rejected. Others are more methodical: they think about whether they should act on these feelings. They work through the rights and wrongs, the risks and possibilities before deciding what to do. This man is more that latter kind of person. He feels things, but his emotions aren’t paramount in guiding his actions. If he’s being faithful to his wife, good for him.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2016):
 I think it's what is called compartmentalizing where you put different people and emotion into little boxes and some... are perfectly capable of locked those boxes up and ignoring them, others... are not.
I think what he meant is that whether ha HAS feelings for you or not he isn't going to act on them, not he is going to define them or talk about them, he is going to pretend they don't exist.
I do think that UP to a point we can't control who we fall for, but there are definitely times where we NEED to keep it to ourselves and find a way to let those feeling go. Specially IF that person is a married one who WANTS to stay faithful. When we KNOW that acting or even recognizing these feeling will create either drama or hurt feeling or destabilizing the marriage - it's better to bury them, and bury them deep. Sooner or later.. they WILL go away.
It's all about.... self control.
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