A
male
age
30-35,
*obob
writes:how big of a deal is your significant other's sexual past? she recently revealed that it is many more men than she said at the beginning of our relationship, and she hinted that there may have been 2 at once.this new information makes more uncomfortable, i was "safe" with what i knew before, but now that she has told me, there seems to be a cloud hanging over us
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): I can't give you an answer for what to do in your situation, but here's my perspective. My wife and I met when we were both 22. Neither of us were virgins, and we both knew it. In regards to specifics, for awhile we both just said we had an "average" number of partners (meaning more than 2, less than 20). Over time, we revealed our exact numbers: her 11, me 6.
And guess what....nothing changed! We were still the same people that fell in love with each other. Neither one of us were under the false impression that the other one was overly virginal.
For us, it came down to this: we've both had others, we both could probably go get others, but don't have a desire for anyone else but each other.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 May 2010):
 It's understandable you feel uncomfortable. For plenty of guys this is a big issue.
Personally I think it's best not to know specifics. In my experience (and by talking about this with lots of guys), the more you know, the more easily you obsess. Each detail can be something that you get stuck on... and hurt by. So it's best to not know. Also, when it comes to specifics, its very easy to get details mixed up, and end up feeling like you are being lied to, even though you are not. Handle with extreme caution!
Having said that, a general idea of her history is probably important if you are going to commit for the long term. I'd avoid numbers etc, but wanting to know a general sense of what has gone on before you is reasonable. For example if someone has had threesomes, or engaged in a lot of casual sex / one night stands. Or likewise if they are sexually inexperienced. It's good to know what you are committing to.
That means there's a chance you wont like what you hear. It sounds like your gf has had a promiscuous past. You have to decide whether you can cope with that.
If you can, then great. But don't decide to stay with her and then use her past as a stick to beat her with. If you choose to stay with her after she has revealed her past, then do it free from negative judgements about her. Accept what she did, and move past it. Which can be very hard! But possible. Expect to feel upset and jealous about it from time to time: that's perfectly normal. Just don't let those emotions get on top of you and cloud your judgement.
Or, if you think you can't deal with the feelings, or find that this knowledge has put you off her, then leave her. But if you do, do it with kindness and respect. Don't make her feel bad for what happened, or guilty.
I can tell you that many men feel in this situation feel that they are lowering themselves to be with a woman with a promiscuous past. I would say the truth is in many ways the opposite: it takes a strong man with depth of character to truly accept a woman with messy past. It doesn't make you less, it makes you more if you can do so. I recommend the movie Sexy Beast for understanding this: plus its a fantastic movie in general! Look at how the main character deals with his wife's history as a porn star, and realise how much you respect him for it.
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A
female
reader, wanttobehappyagain  +, writes (11 May 2010):
i think the younger you are the more this info is important to you, after all you dont want to look like a virgin if your other half has had several partners..when i was your age this was important to me, but as you get older the past is just that, you can see that, it makes no odds how many shes slept with, at least you can say hopefully that she will have had some good experiences, and bring them to your relationship, also it means that if shes already had a few good experiences, it might not make her feel she needs to go out and try them again, it could make her more commited to you..
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A
female
reader, greenflower +, writes (11 May 2010):
I agree with the first commenter. Can you get over what you know? Is there a limit to what you can handle with your partner? Will you be able to get over it? Will you be able to be comfortable with her sexually now?
The past is the past. And though you can't change it, you can't necessarily just get over it. You know yourself best. Does this seem like something you can do?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2010):
 Could this cloud be imaginary on your part, or has things really changed? First off would be a good thing for you to think about how you oersonally feel about this. Do you feel hurt that she didn't reveal the real number right away? Did you really care to know?
It could be a good thing to know the truth. Then there will be no sceletons in the closet, and honesty is always something to value in a relationship.
I believe how well you match up sexually right now is what matters more. If you are experimental and she is as well, then that is a good thing. If you want lovemaking and slow passion, and she wants crazy threesomes, then thats a problem. Her past sexual history has helped her figure out how she likes it, and if that matches up with what you enjoy then thats a good thing.
Many men care an aweful lot about whether or not their girlfriends have had more sexual partners than them. Women fail to understand this concept, so if you feel jealous about her ex's or feel uncomfortable with the number of sexual partners she's had, she might not understand this.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (11 May 2010):
 I think the past should be left in the past and the person should be seen for who they are now. The big thing is that if it is a haunting past that she needs help with then you have to decide if you will stay to help her with it. If its a sexual thing that may bother you it should be just left in the past and not be allowed to interfere with the present.
We all have a bit of a dark past. She is there with you now and as long as you two are happy now that is all that matters.
I hope you can get past this and have a great relationship.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (11 May 2010):
 i had a bad past where i was depressed and abused...i had a buncha different partners and didnt always use protection. i straightened my life out and got tested...luckily they came back negative this time. now i use protection all the time but i still fell it is important to be upfront w/my past. its something im not proud of but i need to be responsible for my actions!
if you love her have her get tested for all diseases and after the results use protection and make an informed dicision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): It all depends on you. If you are very experienced and have had multiple partners (some at the same time) it won't bother you. "You live in a glass house and can cast no stone." If you are less experienced, it will probably bother you quite a bit. I guess you need full disclosure on her experience. She probably won't be honest if she knows you are upset about her past. Casually bring it up and ask if she was serious about the threesome. Ask her what the craziest thing she's done sexually after offering something about your past. I let my first know that I was upset about her past and she lied to me saying she'd been with 3 before me. It was more like 30. My wife has told me hurtful things about her lover before me, (size, stamina, ability to make her orgasm in certain positions) she had no idea how hurtful those comments were when she made them and now I have to live with it. If the thought of your girlfriend getting tag-teamed or getting double-teamed would be troublesome to you, you may have to move on to a girl with a cleaner past.
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