A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Last night my bf started yelling at me heaps because when I met his friends I was quiet and shy.However, I do feel I had good reasons for acting the way I did. Here is why: 1. I didnt even technically "meet them". I mean, he didn't introduce me to them. We went to my bf's friend's place as his friend was having a party. He never once said "this is my gf, [insert name]" and he never once said to me "this is my friend so and so". So I felt excluded right from the beginning. Most of them didnt even pay attention to me. They took one look at me up and down and turned their heads. No smile or anything even though I smiled at them. I felt like I didnt exist. 2. His friends made NO attempt to get to know me, so how am I suddenly the bad person? His friends were the ones in THEIR comfort zone. I was the one surrounded by people I had never met before. It would have been easier for them to go out of their way. When my friends have introduced me to their dates I always go out of my way to make them feel welcome and to talk to them because I know what it feels like to be the odd one out in a group where you dont know anyone. Why couldn't his friends do that to me if they are so apparantly confident and cool in my bf's opinion?3. His friends were looking at porn at the party too, that made me feel very uncomfortable. If they want to look at porn fine, I would never tell someone to not look at it - just dont force me to view it as well. I felt so uncomfortable and degraded and humiliated to be forced to see that. I kept making excuses to leave the room (like going to the toilet and geting lots of drinks) and my bf got really upset with me. I explained to him why I was leaving and then he said I was overreacting. How am I supposed to sit with a bunch of guys I dont know and watch porn? 4. His friends kept talking constantly about guys who abuse their gf's, such as beating them up and verbally abusing them etc and cheating as well. They seeemed to find it hilarious, in fact they seemed to believe that guys who do that deserve to put up on a pedestal. How am I supposed to be ok sitting with a group of guys who think that men are some how superior to women?5. My bf then blames me also for not joining in on the group conversations- fair enough comment, if I was in a normal situation. But I wasn't in a normal situation, I felt so uncomfortable for the reasons I just talked about and no one made me feel welcomed, so I didnt think anyone wanted to hear me speak. Not to mention all his friends talked about was porn, alcohol, drugs and cars. How am I supposed to relate to that? Apparantly I'm not cool because I dont share the same interests as his friends now. 6. There was one girl in particular there who was giving me evil looks the whole night. She is my bf's friend's gf. She told my bf the next day that she tried talking to me several occasions but I didnt talk back. What? That is a complete lie. She never even said hello to me. I think she may be jealous. She was very flirty with my bf. So I have a feeling she is trying to break us up. My bf believes her. Whatever she says goes apparantly. This hurts so much. He seems to value her opinion so since she was bagging me out to him and making lies up, he's even more upset with me now. So my question is, why does my bf think it was all my fault and his friends get away with everything? My bf is now making all these demands for me to change everything about me, who I am, my values, interests etc, to basically become one of his guy mates and that girl who made up lies about me. All the guys love her. They think she's the best because she watches porn with them and gets so drunk that she passes out. She also loves cars and thinks it's funny when they laugh at girls who get raped and abused by guys. Before I met my bf's friends he seemed to like me so much. He seemed to be happy with who I am. Now I have met his friends he's changed his view of me. Somehow I am not good enough for him and his friends. I just dont know what to do. I feel torn. I care about my bf and it hurts me that I embarrased him in front of his friends and dissapointed him (his words), but at the same time, I feel the way I behaved was justifiable given the situation. But then he tells me I wasn't and that I was overeacting, who is right, who is wrong?
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drugs, drunk, flirt, jealous, porn, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, patient66  +, writes (7 October 2009):
Dont walk but run from this guy.
1. He never intruduced you which is rude and shows he has no respect for you.
2. Getting mad at you for being shy and not joining the convo (which most females would have nothing good to say to what they were talking about). Yor always shy when you meet new people,( technically you never met them)
3. The fact that the watch porn infront of you. If they wanted to do that they can to it with just themselves.
4. The comments about beating women and cheating on them. That they find that funny somehow. Do you really want to be with a guy that finds those things funny?
5. The girl who is loved by all the guys is missing something from her life. If she laughs and finds women being raped funny she is imature. She may just need them to like her for confidence.
Lastly , Stick to your morals and beliefs. Dont lose that over a guy. You dont want to disappoint yourself. YOU is who matters the most. Remember that xoxo
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I am so incredibly sad to see you write this. Please don't be with him anymore. You are far better than him and his friends and I wish you would love yourself and escape, escecially before he becomes one of those disgusting, abusive men he so looks up to. You are so sweet and tolerant and there is a wonderful man waiting for you somewhere.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 What a disgusting group of people. Leave him NOW. These are his friends, and apparently, people who he feels comfortable and akin to. Look at all of them and you are just looking at reflections of your boyfriend.
You are too smart and too strong and too amazing for this guy and his creepy friends. Chuck the guy and leave him to a room full of dudes with some porn. Check back in 10 years and he'll probably be in the exact same place that you left him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009):
"His friends made NO attempt to get to know me, so how am I suddenly the bad person? His friends were the ones in THEIR comfort zone."
WTF. Guys dont 'make an attempt to get to know you'. That is just not going to happen. They arent going to treat you like a princess and try to pick topics of interest to you- that not the way guys work.
Having inappropriate expectations leads to disappointment.
When you are going to a guy party it is possible that you may find activities that are of interest or people you like to talk to but do not expect that. They party is geared to what the guys want to do- not you.
If they *only* activity available was watching porn then I'll give you that it was inappropriate to bring you.
But if they are there to play card, xbox, talk about sports or school, watch movies, then this is a normal party. If some one put on porn and it was and background thing then it is not a big deal.
This is his native environment. There is nothing to say you *have* to fit in. There is nothing to say that you *have* to go. You could have a perfectly fine relationship with him hanging out with his friends by himself. You dont have to mesh with every part of his life.
But if you either try:
- try to change him
- try to keep him away from his friends
that probably isnt going be successful or end well.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Get out now. He sounds very weak and easily influenced by his friends. It demonstrates very low self esteem on his behalf for him to allow you to be treated that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Are you sure this is not dangerous... a bunch of guys sitting, watching porn, joking about abusing and raping women? This sounds like you are personally at risk.
I would stay away from any party with these people ever. At any time if something bad does happen, people will question why you went to a place like this.
I don't know what is the basis for the relationship with your boyfriend - you have not written anything about how stable your relationship is, how serious it is and how old you are. But regardless of what you do with the relationship, I'd urge you to stay away from parties with this bunch of friends.
Pl consider this very carefully and treat this incident as warning sign. Do not attend parties where drinks and porn are mixed - unless you don't mind what would logically follow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): It's obvious that your boyfriend and his disreputable friends are in the wrong! How are you supposed to sit and watch porn with them, you ask? The short answer is: you're not!!!
Maybe you care about your bf but he clearly does not care about you, nor does he respect you. YOU disappointed and embarrassed HIM? Come on, give me a break!
Send him a brief email along the lines of "I'm sorry I disappointed you. But its nothing to how disappointed I am in you. The relationship is over. Do not contact me again, now or ever."
If he needs to ask why you're ending it, then he's a bigger fool than I take him for - if he can't understand why you have terminated your friendship. This is no more than he deserves.
Alternatively, don't send him an email, but wait until he calls you let him have his say (very briefly, though) and then tell him you're ending it, give him a minute or two and if he goes on the rampage, HANG UP! Change your email address, get your number blocked, change your locks if necessary!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): whoa, I have to ask sweetie why would you stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? He is supposed to love you for you. Not make you conform to his expectations.
that is not loving and caring that is dictatorship! as for the chick playing her games... cause she needs the superiority in the group of males, she just looks like a common @#$^%$@ and has no respect for herself. she is doing it cause she has some very serious issues. YOU on the other hand know there is something wrong with this picture. its never funny when a girl gets raped... (except in the scene of evil dead when she gets raped by a tree.)
and if you don't want to be all buddy buddy with that chick thats fine.. you have every right to feel put off by the unconfortableness of the whole situation.
With that being said follow your instincts. Hes a troll and trolls should stay with their other troll friends, under a bridge. you on the other hand are not, so quit trying to fit in where you don't belong and be around people who lift you up, not bring you down.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Your boyfriend has just demonstrated to you that you and he are not compatible when it comes to your friends. This speaks volumes about his values. Don't ignore this in trying to figure out what to do. If you don't like his friends, and they treat you like dirt and are so wrapped up in porn they watch it in public, well, if you stay with him, you'd better get used to it. These are the people he thinks are cool, the people he wants to spend time with. Hmmm. Doesn't say much for his taste or judgement. What does staying his girlfriend say about yours?
I don't know about you, but I only dated guys I'd feel good about introducing to my parents and friends. Your guy wouldn't qualify in my book.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): A long posting and very heartfelt, but the reply can only be a short one - WALK!You are not in any way compatible with these Neanderthals, relics from our uncivilised past and deserve SO much more - respect, appreciation, courtesy and consideration.Your bf does not deserve you and yo owe it to yourself to leave and find someone good enough for you. There will be loads.Harry.
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A
female
reader, Sammycake  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I know it seems ridiculously blunt, but you need to get out of that 'relationship' before you get hurt. You've claimed that he's in a circle of friends who abuse their girlfriends, who's to say that won't be you next? You are good enough for him. In fact, you're too good for him. Don't you dare bend over backwards to try and change who you are for him - if he doesn't like you, then why is he with you? To treat you like some kind of trophy?You seem like a decent person, but you're also oblivious to the danger you're putting yourself in. Please, end it now before it's too late.
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