A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Well.... I hope that this mess is communicated clearly enough.....In the past four years, I've lost a Brother to cancer and my Dad to multiple strokes. I've also gotten a hip replacement, bought and sold three homes and moved countries once; and now my husband is commuting for work to the US - causing more (painful) travel for me as well. I'm am now 55. My sister, 49, lives two miles from our Mom. She has two teenaged Daughters and she works from home. She goes over once (or twice) a week and helps Mom run errands. I hear about every errand every time I call her. I can commiserate, and in fact, I actually took care of my FIL and MIL during my 20's and 30's while I was raising babies, loading his wheelchair (stoke patient) and a 6 month old and a stroller into the car - when my sister was dating men, making a career and having fun during Her 20's and early 30's - and yet, she forgets that my life was totally different from hers Waaaay back then and that I have taken care of aging parents too. I left my hometown when I was 26; and yet, they still think that I should be the one who is visiting, sending gifts and cards, and yet it's never reciprocal. Flowers were too expensive when I had major surgery. I can't remember the last time I got a thank you cards from my nieces, I stopped sending gifts because I got resentful. I get chats and facebook blurbs instead of phone calls...Every time she calls, I also hear the resentment in her voice that I am the "idle rich", that somehow all of our wealth is ill gotten and that we are somehow morally bankrupt because of it... My husband is a businessman and spent most of his career with one of the greenest and most responsible companies around.We have always picked up the check ("...because life is Sooooo Much EASIER for You..."), and when we lived in Europe, we flew my parents and my sister and brother over for visits and they never were expected to pick up the tab. At the SAME time, we were flying our own two university students back and forth, but they were all resentful that I didn't opt to pay to fly all four of my Brother and Sister's family members over for Those Same Visits. In the past, when I lived here and my kids were small - I was the one who always had everyone stay at my house. We would sit 14 people down for Christmas dinner - but since I left the country - I have just had Christmas with our nuclear family. Well, the year that my Dad died, my sister and her family left on December 21st to have Christmas down in Mexico! The next year, after my Brother passed away in September, they left to spend Christmas in Mexico again. They left Mom alone with my Brother's Widow and his two Daughters - who were both devastated - for Christmas. My Sister's Husband's mom and stepdad have money. My sister pays for their own airline tickets and they fly down to their Mexican home ever winter - they also get to stay in their relatives 'second' beach home for free so that they can have their own vacation as a family together, which is lovely a lovely gesture from their family. But WTF about the timing? WHY fly down BEFORE Christmas? Why not fly the next day???? Why leave our Mom alone? Frankly; there's no love lost between my SIL and my Mom; so God Bless my SIL for taking care of her at Christmas, considering a lot of other stuff that went on before my brother died (A WHOLE OTHER STORY!!!!!). If I were my SIL - even for the sake of the kids - I wouldn't put up with what she has had to put up! She's a mensch, and I wish I were Jewish, because it describes her completely.At Christmas and throughout the year at birthdays and holidays, my Sister is very generous with hers and her husbands friends. I usually get a last minute invite when she throws her regular Christmas party. We moved into a house under renovation last November - she called at the last minute (we are 5 hours away) with the Proviso - "Well, You probably won't come anyways, but I'm having a party this weekend..." THE CURRENT PROBLEMSoooooo - Her bratty daughter 'chatted' me on fb with instructions last week... "Your sister is on her way there - it would be nice if you went out to dinner or something (read sarcasm)" (paraphrased). Then her husband wrote me on facebook that they were on their way with some lame funny stuff. Then, finally, my sister popped up on fb chat and said "I know you're there..." because I wasn't responding. AND yet - STILL - No phone call or the normal advanced chit-chat that you would expect when a sibling is coming in from out-of-town. I had just gotten home from 4 doctor appointments, and she had probably known about this visit for about this a week in advance - but suddenly - I was supposed to drop everything I had planned for the next 3 days and rush downtown to see them - after some Pretty Snotty Messaging and no real congenial contact. They ALSO were seeing if they could spent a 3rd night "free" at our house - but STILL - no phone call from my sister in advance!!!!!!!! Am I nuts for being pissed off? I'm not supposed to have any plans at all during the day anymore??? After all - my kids are grown and I've "never worked" - another of her favorite sayings!!! I was the one who finally called her YET AGAIN! I told her - Sorry - I was busy!I called her again this week (still me doing the calling) and she wants to know if she and the family can stay overnight and have us entertain them on their way down to Mexico overnight!!! Not only have I just blown my knee and am not up to making their beds for them right before Christmas and then making them twice for my kids to come home - but I resent that they have abandoned our mother yet AGAIN for yet ANOTHER CHRISTMAS!!!! Our mother is a TOTAL recluse and hates to travel - especially in the winter - "the pipes might freeze' - etc. etc. etc. - and it's impossible to stay in her home because of my families size and her smoking and drinking habits - it's not pleasant. Staying with my Sister isn't an option - there's not enough room and I can't sleep on a futon with osteoarthritis. My patience with this self-centeredness and the constant cracks from their 17 year old brat have worn out my very last nerve - "You should visit more often...". What irritates me most is that I can tell by the way they all talk to me all of the comments that have been repeated inside their home constantly. Well, I've had it. I told her that I wasn't up to it.Here's how I feel - "I not your Mother and it's not fair of you to demand it of me considering that I've had a pretty poor excuse for one growing up. Mom was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me as a kid. Don't play me for a fool just because you know I am starved for affection and you know that I will cave in and do anything to please other people to win their love."Should I just c/c this letter and send it to her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cindy! I'm filing those suggestions for future use. :^D
Tish.......
LMAOROFL!!! Thinking of c/c those two paragraphs!!! For Sure!!!
*sigh*
It wouldn't sink in - like you said...
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Brilliant as usual,Tisha-1, congratulations.
My suggestion is just a pale corollary to yours but I thought I'd throw in my two cents.
Become Miss Passive Aggressive. Play dumb.
" Oww... too bad, it would be sooo nice having you here on your way to Mexico, but my knee, you know, is in such a state, can hardly move, maybe next time " Next time will be the elbow, or the ankle. Eventually, they'll get the subtext.
Even better, a variation on the Bitchy Prom Queen. You know the mean teenager who turns down the nerdy guy asking her out : No, saturday night I am def very busy, I have to shave my armpits .
You could say : Too bad- I have to miss your visit , what a shame, that day I have to take my guinea pig to the groomer.
Or, I am cleansing my aura. Something like that. (Said very sweetly , even chirpily ) Repeat as many times as needed.
I'd like to add that normally I am all in favour of clear sincere straightforward communication and in expressings feelings openly. But in this case , - there are years of complications and emotional entanglements behind, I think
telling it like it is would only lead to more complications and bad feelings. Plus, some people just does not get it , no matter how plainly you speak, and your last resort is learning to be a bit slippery.
Merry Xmas, OP .
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Sis, you can tell your lame-ass sister (LAS) that you do not feel well enough to manage it. Period. If you want to have some fun, you could become the really whiny relative who goes on and on about her medical issues. When they do that chat thing, you can start off by ignoring whatever it is they are saying and start asking if they know of any remedies for osteoarthritis. Send them websites and ask them to do research for you. Ask them if they think it's normal to wake up 12 times a night screaming in pain. Your goal is to become known as the whiny, annoying sister, in which case, they might start giving you a wide berth. Of course, you'll have to clue in the mensch SIL, so she doesn't think you've suddenly gone bonkers.
Do you know Judith Martin's Miss Manners column? She gets all hoity-toity and very proper and correct when she's dealing with idiots. You might need to do that as well. Become uber-formal. Send invitations (when you are up for them) with RSVP's. Buy some Crane notecards with engraved name and address and start jotting notes written in the third person.
"Birdy regrets that she is unable to join you at Thanksgiving, due to prior commitments. She wishes your family well and hopes she'll be sent the FB page link."
The problem with this approach is that LAS et familie sounds clueless anyway. They probably won't notice. Sucks.
You could try this: "LAS, the holiday season is so chaotic with family and preparations, as you must know, since you've found a way to escape it here by going to Mexico. Mother misses you terribly, you know, it was so terribly hard on her not to have you there after Father died, and then again after our brother died. Very difficult times, and the holiday season just brings up so many memories and I wish I could fly away to a magical place too. But I know that Mother needs us, and I will do my duty by her. I guess I just don't have the energy to take care of her AND still be a hostess.
"It actually hurts my feelings that I seem to be an afterthought for you. You've known for a long time that you were coming here but you never took the time to plan ahead by calling me. I know you are busy; I'm busy too. I would like to see you and the family, it's just that my health and my own family are taking all my energy and I don't have much patience for last-minute, poorly planned surprises. I don't like feeling hurt, it makes me sad and unhappy."
The tough part is the family dynamic is pretty well set in stone by this point. Not a lot you can do about that, other than change the way YOU react. You are the only one you can actually manage. Ha.
So Sis, I've been thinking about your dilemma and that's what I've got for you know. Maybe I'll come up with some brilliant way to tell your LAS she's an idiot and she'll suddenly become sensible. We wish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPoint well taken Wrawra; You're right and yes, I'll bet she would too - and I hadn't thought of that...
It was nice to vent and write it all down; and it was great support having you all to bounce it off of - really!
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and answer this!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Hello,
While it can be extremely therapeutic to write down your feelings and emotions about someone it's not always the best course of action to send it.
You're sister is pretty selfish and is using you for what she can. Might be better to just tell her that you're not up to having guests and leave it at that. Sending the letter might make you feel better but it will be shown to everyone who walks into your sister's home and you will come out as the bad person. If you want to have a go at her, do it verbally....show her she can't walk all over you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answering ReneeGeek - It is somewhat comforting that we aren't alone in our family chaos.........
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tish -
I wish you were my Sister - Hell - you ARE my sister...
*sigh*
Families.............
Aside from venting - there isn't a realistic outcome here that will change a fooking hippity-hoppity thing, as another friend might say.
Good point.
Drywall Baseball and a couple of Martini's might help...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2010):
Sweetie, what is it you want to accomplish? Do you want to let your sister know that you are angry from years of built up resentment and just kind of WAAAAAAAHHH it at her? Do you want to change her behavior?
I've read your whole question and without doubt you have been shoddily treated. What is it you want to happen?
I doubt you can change your sister at this point. She is stuck in the pattern she has adopted toward you. It's crappy, it sucks, she's a pain in the ASS! But what will ratcheting up the hostility do at this point other than causing more hostility from her and her obnoxious family?
Think of the best outcome, what do you want to happen? Then what will you settle for? And finally, what is the realistic expectation you will probably wind up with?
You may vent freely here. If I could I would invite you over to MY house, as I suspect you are WAY more fun and festive than this post suggests. We could hoist some vino and snark on cruddy relatives, or ex-relatives, as the case may be.
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A
female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (10 November 2010):
At 25, my family is totally nutso too. I call my dad, and get a facebook message as a response. My stepmom got angry because we bought gifts two years ago and last Thanksgiving my sister and her husband brought THEIR girlfriend who was 20 years younger and had her boobies popping all over the place and resting on the table when we played yahtzee while my poor guy friend from work tried not to look. Meanwhile my other sister invited my mom and stepdad over after the other parents left only to leave before they arrived!
Honey, I feel your pain. The holidays are some of the worst times of year. I am thankful my stepmom has decided to do NO Thanksgiving this year.
If you send the letter to her, she's going to get even more angry. Put it as plainly as you can, and prepare for the storm and know that you are not the only one. :)
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