A
female
age
30-35,
*oodgracious
writes:Feb 09My boyfriend and I have been going out for 9 or 10 months but were the best of friends for four or so years prior to me 'making my move'. We just finished high school in november so had seen each other at LEAST 6 days a week, every week all the time. Over this time, i lost track of who i was as a person... even though i am an outgoing confident assertive sassy etc female, i've found myself feeling increasingly small and weak and not my usual self because i feel like he is my social drug so if he is busy, I feel ultra rejected and lonely.I've found that I have no girlfriends except for my one best friend who is from korea, but went to school with me in aus and is now living in another state for uni :(So I have no real girlfriends to turn to or hang out with for social gatherings.. This has led me to become really lonely and dependent on him for all my 'social' dosage.being from a small town it's hard to meet new friends too... and so now he's started engineering at uni, which has the most contact hours out of all the uni courses available as well as having two-ish jobs and always having a boys night ahead of an "us" night.I was meant to start a full time job in Sydney in january... but there was no work for me so it's been postponed till april. which leaves me job-less and bored and obviously wanting to see him more than he can fit in, even though he'd love to he really wants to study hard coz he's not naturally a genius and he wants to prove his parents wrong that he will fail.I fully support his efforts at uni but it's so hard not to resent the workload for taking our time away.At school we were really happy to see each other all the time and would crave each other's company we would sneak times to see each other on weeknights and weekends... we would see each other 5 days a week at school and at least 4 of the 7 nights of the week!Over summer we constantly were with each other and had a great time on a beach holiday where we didn't know anyone to bug us. But since then, after having been so used to seeing each other 24/7 we've been fighting when we do see each other because it has been cut into a fifth of what we are used to. but the only thing we argue about is: how much time we spend with each other.. sometimes i feel he only spends his 'scraps' of time left with me but he insists he's spending every spare second he can because he wants to see me. I know he is right but sometimes i can't keep that hormonal moody monster within me keep quiet.I love him so much and i've been his first girlfriend (he also crushed on me since eighth grade he has since confessed) and there are some general relationship faux pas that he doesn't realise is wrong.... e.g. i called him extremely upset about my mum's drinking problem tonight, obviously distraught. he was at his friend's house studying and i said "I don't want to waste your time"He said, "why we're not going to speak for too long are we?"In this sort of situation, shouldn't he have been more unconditional in his support and said something like "i'm here as long as you need me for"????Neither of us want to break up with each other but how do we stop fighting because we are both just inside really sad about only being able to see each other once a week now!!Please help :/
View related questions:
best friend, crush, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (25 February 2009):
 I think you need to tread on this very very carefully, as you may end up losing your man :-( I hope it does not happen to you though.
Right now you feel "abandoned" because you have more free time than he does. When I was in college, for the first 2 years, I had 4-5 days of lab work that consumed my time immensely. My b/f at the time was the same. Interestingly, he asked me not to "bother" him when he was having exams, but he forgot to do the same when I was having exams (LOL) even though both our subjects were really tough. I loved him, and had great plans for us growing old together, but in the end, I felt I had to "endure" the relationship for 4 years because he became sooo "controlling" and possessive. In our case, he was 2 years older so toward the end of my studies, he had more "free" time than I.
If you currently have more idle time than he does, I suggest that you fill that time with volunteering in the field that you are interested in , or in a place that could surely welcome your contribution. Animal shelter, nursing home, special needs children learning center, etc etc. It will give you such a rewarding feeling I guarantee you. And your b/f will be so much in awe at your heart's generosity to humankind! And you will also be able to make new friends, young and old.
Good luck!
Cat
A
female
reader, Mymy  +, writes (25 February 2009):
 Being in a long distance relationship can be, needless to say, difficult if you feel like one of the parties isn't making the effort. How far away is your boyfriend from you now? Do you go up to visit him or does he come home to visit you? It sounds like you almost used to live in each other's pockets before he went to uni, not meaning to sound rude at all, and the sudden shock of being apart is very hard for both of you. The danger of being so close means that if something happens between you, your social circles have become so intertwined that you can't distinguish your old group of friends. This happened to a friend of mine last year, she moved in with her boyfriend after just 5 months of knowing him and rooted herself firmly in her life because she felt like she had nothing to claim for herself, then when they broke up she didn't know what to do for a while.
It is natural to resent the fact that he's at uni, though you have to understand that if he is in his firs year he will be getting involved in activities, meeting new people and wanting to have as much fun as possible. It doesn't mean he cares about you any less, he may well just not have realised it! Have you spoken to him properly about this, or have you kept quiet and let it build up inside you? I would say that your best bet is to tell him you would like to see him more, offer to come and spend a day or two at his and vice versa. Try not to get angry or upset, or it will make him feel uncomfortable and guilty.
If you are concerned for your lack of close friends at home, there are always ways to find new ones. Go out into the city shopping, join a club, go to a convention (a little more unusual, but you can meet some very genuine people there- which is where I met my current boyfriend actually!) The last thing your boyfriend would want you to feel is neglected, so you need to both talk to him and find a new vice for yourself. Try to keep smiling!
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 February 2009):
 The problem here is that you have nothing else to do other than wait around until you can see him. The easy way for you to solve this is to get out there and start living your life again without him!
Yes he is your boyfriend and you dont need to split up but you are your own person, with your own interests and your own ideas. Get out there and do things you enjoy doing! Get involved in sports, local groups, whatever you enjoy. This way you will make friends too while you are at it. Get in touch with friends that you havent spoke to in ages - some will be really happy to hear from you and will want to meet up.
Make things happen for yourself and you will feel so much better that your life doesnt revolve around him. You will also find that once you start work in April (this isnt too long to wait now) that you will make friends there too. Once all this is back on track your relationship will be too, you will find you wont be so moody or resentful of his busy life. And instead of arguing you will be able to tell him all the fun things you have been doing so you will have more to talk about!
If once a week is all he can manage then you will have to be happy with that if you want to stay with him. And remember, uni isnt forever! He will have holidays where he will be able to spend lots more time with you, and if you keep thinking positive about the future then one day he will finish uni and get a job so his time wont be taken up completely by studying.
I think you need to talk to him too - explain that you support him fully in his studies and want him to do well, but you also dont want to lose him. If you express your fears that you are drifting apart and that you hate the fighting then I'm sure he will want to stop this too. If he understands your feelings then he will be more likley to try and make a bigger effort to see you/call you etc.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
