A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing a guy about 5 months ago. He is 49 and I am 42. After about 4 months of dating, we decided to move in together. We really seem to communicate and get along very well. We have alot of fun together.Our sex life is very good. The other day I was using his computer and noticed he had been on a bisexual forum a few months prior to meeting me. This scared me,so I decided to ask him about it. He said that a year ago he had two sexual encounters with two different men. He also said that he had always been curious since grade school. He said it was only oral sex, and that each encounter was only once. After the last encounter he said that it just wasnt for him, that he had always been curious,and glad that he had the two encounters so that he would be clear in his head of what his sexuality was.He said he would never be with a guy again, and that he was sorry for not telling me. He said he was ashamed and that he was not proud of his curiosity. Im not sure what to think at this point. I have always had a fear of people liking the same sex, but trying to be open minded. If he had encounters wouldnt this make him bisexual? He says hes not but he had two encounters. I am so confused. I do love him, and I know he loves me. I am afraid that if we stay together I will not be woman enough for him, or that he will cheat on me with another man. I know I should trust him, but I am not sure how to handle this situation. He seemed so manly and never thought in my wildest dreams, he would be bisexual or bi-curious. Im not sure if I should call off the relationship or see what happens. I am concerned about my health, and havent been tested yet.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (25 February 2009):
 I'm not understanding why he should have told you about this before he moved in. Unless you both have a policy where you completely were open about every sexual encounter you have had, or with who and when, then I don't think it's fair to persecute him just because of the sexual orientation of his "crime".
I am sure I am mostly sympathetic to his case because my own mother came out as a lesbian when I was 12. She had gone her whole life never exploring who she truly was, and ended up married, divorced, and always depressed about why her relationships with men never worked out. At least he finally did get to figure himself out, and he realized it wasn't for him, then he met you and decided you were for him. I would let it go. If he was into men and desired to be with one, then he would not have moved in with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): I am thinking here, instinctively, that you don't trust him. And you have to really think about that. You have a fear of your bf liking the same gender and possibly seeing men, in your future, and that can be very draining and damaging in a relationship. While it's not a bad thing for your bf to be bisexual, or wanting to experiment sexually.. relaize, it's also not wrong for you to admit, that this bothers you. It's not for everyone and we all have the right to choose the right person for our lives. So this has nothing to do with being open minded or not...but it has to do with preference.....your own preference. I feel your actual, true desire, is to share an honest, faithful relationship with a man...a heterosexual man, not a bisexual or otherwise. A man who finds no need to see out same gender liasons. You prompted him to come clean and be honest about some past sexual activity with other males. But you may have trapped yourself here. Can you honestly forget this took place, in his life. Will you always worry? If you can't get past this, then you need to move on as heartbreaking as it is. If you can truely accept this in your heart, than stay, but I wanted to tell you all this, because if you have any doubts...I would hate to see you in 10 years, still trying to decide whether to stay or go. Make a decision that works best for what you want...it's your life and you need to be happy. And if you can't get past this...then don't waste his time or yours. And please...get into a doctor and have yourself checked out. You need to look out for yourself, dear...plain and simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2009): thank you for taking time to reply to my question.I have kept in consideration to everything everyone has said. I guess truth be known I am afraid of the bisexual in him, or should I say bi-curious. I know that I love him, and he loves me.I will talk to him tonight, and let him know of my fears. I just cant understand why he waited so long to be curious, and that he should of told me before he moved in.I will try to make this work,but my fears and my trust issues want happen over night.It is true that if you love someone, you can see through anything.
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A
female
reader, Ask The Leprechaun  +, writes (25 February 2009):
 End it? why?
If he was bi it wouldn't mean he's was going to leave you for another man.
And look at the facts. He only did it twice, to experiment. It was over a year ago. He didn't like it. He's not proud of it. Why on earth do you think he's going to cheat on you with a man? If you think he'd cheat on you he sounds far more likely to do it with a woman. And why do you suddenly think he's going to cheat on you?
Most bisexuals are not promiscuous. Just because we like both genders doesn't mean we like everybody. We're perfectly capable of holding down a relationship and controlling our lust just like anyone else.
And besides, He's not bi. He was bi-curious. He's 49 and he's questioned his sexuality since grade school. That means he's been repressing this for over 30 years! Please try to imagine how he must have felt. Most bi curious people experiment during their teenage years, whereas he has waited all this time, only to find that he doesn't like it and now the woman he's seeing is contemplating leaving him because of a lifelong worry that's now nothing to worry about. Can you imagine how that must feel?
And why might I ask were you looking through his internet history? It's not suprising that you think he's going to cheat on you with a man as you clearly have little faith in the guy.
As for the health thing. Tested for what? AIDS? Not every gay on the planet has aids, if that were true, there'd be none. Let me explain why I think you have nothing to worry about.......
Ok, you may think that Aids is a "Gay disease" because gays are promiscuous. Wrong. It tends to affect gays because that strain of HIV has a certain affinity for rectal tissue. Your boyfriend had ORAL sex. Not ANAL sex. and Only twice. Over a year ago. Even if he had contracted HIV from one of the two guys, and not known about it for a year, it would only really affect you if you had anal sex. And for most women, anal sex is not exactly a favourite.
Please do not throw this relationship away over a misinformed assumption. He's not even Bi anyway. He said it wasn't for him, and if this issue ever emerged again later which it most likely will not, you can always strap on a dildo.
he sounds like a great guy, it sounds like a healthy relationship. Do you really want to give up and run away now?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 February 2009):
 I think you may be over-reacting to this. Firstly he only had oral sex with these men so you are unlikely to get any STD's from him, however if you have been having unprotected sex then it is worth getting tested.
Secondly; you did the right thing by confronting him. But bear in mind here he came clean to you and was honest and open about it. He could have easily lied and said he went on those websites by accident and never had those encounters. It seems to me you are punishing him for being honest!
You are lucky to have someone that will be honest with you, you should not discourage him from doing this by being angry with him. He has told you there is nothing to worry about as these encounters have only confirmed his sexuality rather than make him even more confused about his sexual orientation. Therefore you just have to accept that he did this in the past, that it has confirmed he likes women not men, and that he loves you and wants to be with you.
You did move in together very quickly which will mean that you both are still in the early stages of getting to know each other - hence the trust will not have developed fully yet. If you are thinking about calling the relationship off already then it is clear you do not have a commitment to this man or to moving your relationship forwards.
So you need to ask yourself this; do I want this relationship enough to put this small issue to the back of my mind? Or is it an excuse for you to leave the relationship as you already have doubts?
I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh but I cannot understand how you could consider leaving a man you claim makes you happy and that you love when all he has done is be honest with you? Read through some of the other questions on this site and you will see some of the problems these people are having, how some of them are with compulsive liars and cheats. And here you are with a man who loves you, had a slightly unusual past, and who has been honest with you about it - and you want to jump ship already after 5 months?
Finding a good man who loves you and you feel the same about is hard, and you should hold on to them with both hands. Dont throw away a good thing because of someone's past.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (25 February 2009):
 Hi there,
Although I can see your point, I do feel that you are getting this way out of proportion.
Ok so most of us go through life knowing that we only like the oposite sex, but thats not always the case (as we all know). As you grow up and go though life things can change and are not always black and white are they? well it can be the same in sex, dont you think?
You say you are worried and have not been tested, well surely you would have had the same worry even if he had slept around with loads of women.
Anything can happen in life, he could be the perfect man for 20 years then run off with another woman, you cant tell.
If it were up to me, I would give him the chance. Just because he did a little experiment, doesnt mean he will run off with a man.
At the end of the day, its up to you. But if he seams perfect in every other way, cant you just forget this indescretion.
Tellulah X
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