A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right so a girl my boyfriend had an on/off thing with before me, is back in contact with my bf, phone/text wise. My bf and I have discussed this and he said he just wants her friendship, nothing else. Now, this is fine, but obviously it's always on my mind. What things can i do to accept it and forget about it and be happy? Advice please, it's tormenting me :(
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 How long ago did he "really" break off with this girl? Did he have enough time to get over her? I mean years.
Although he may like you. If he broke of relitavley recently (within the last three months) and they dated for a while (more than three months) then it's likley he could switch over anytime ... It's a time bomb. Your just a rebound...
But if it was years ago that they dated then you have nothing really to worry about if you trust him and you've been dating for a while.
I'd go with you instinct. Do what it tells you. If your uncomfortable about it tell him, then you may have to break it off soon to save yourself.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: did they acctually date in the first place? If it was an on/off thing before ... Then it's likley it still is now. It's just been in the off stage but is heading for the on stage
If that's the case I'd dump his ass!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 I doubt there is anything that will magically help you either accept or forget this. Sorry.
The thing is, when it comes to relationship you need to have trust. Obviously you do not trust your BF fully. Has he done anything to make you not trust him? Or maybe a prior boyfriend have?
I would sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel. Be honest and open. Don't accuse him of things he could have done/ might do.. but tell him how you feel insecure about this "friendship" and that you think he is not respecting you by keeping the friendship going.
She is his EX for a reason. They broke up for a reason. So why the need to keep in contact? If it is a text every few months saying hi, how are you doing? I see no problem but daily? several times a day? That is not necessarily a friendship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Being number 1 in a persons life does not mean that the other person has to drop every friend that makes you uncomfortable. If he shows nothing more than normal friendship with his ex then I think he has the right to talk with her. Now if he were to meet her for dinner or show more than just normal friendship then you have every right to think that is inappropriate and ask him to explain what his feelings are for her.
You said that his relationship with her had been an on/off thing. That sounds to me that they were mainly friends and had a closer relationship when they didn't have someone else. If he never cheated on anyone with her or anyone else then I don't think that friendship is a threat to you. When my wife and I were dating, she had male friends and I had female friends. Neither of us had previous sexual relationships with any of them, but a couple of her friendships were pretty close. I guess they felt a little threatening at times, but I just had to trust her and I don't think she ever allowed anything to happen. I also used to shoot pool with a woman who I worked with and we would sometimes get something to eat. She was just a friend and my girlfriend thought nothing of it. I never had any intentions of anything more with that friend.
Just because something makes us feel uneasy doesn't mean that we have the right to demand they stop it. If there is reason to think that it is more than friendship then it is different, but if it is just a friendship then he has that right, as would you in the same situation.
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A
female
reader, BLONDII3  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 If im honest, why would he want her friendship? It is not very common for a person to have a friendship with their 'Ex' Or someone who they've had some sort of romantic relationship with. I think you should ask your boyfriend outright why he wants this friendship, so badly, that he is willing to let you feel this way about it. Tell him exactly how you feel. You have every right to say that you do not feel secure with him being in a friendship with an Ex of his and you should not be expected to. If he cares, he will accept this. Just tell him to imagine the situation in reverse. Good Luck Babe :) Mail me if you need to, I hope it all works out ..xxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 December 2009):
Hm. Why does he want this friendship anyway. I agree with the post below. I think he's looking for more than he's saying. You don't need to accept it or be happy with it. If he was a good boyfriend, he would know that it would make you feel uncomfortable and would address the issue. I think you need to think carefully about whether you want to be with this guy if you're not number 1 in his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): 1) Have an open relationship so that the mind and body can be fulfilled without hurting each other so when you decide to get married then the soul will be at peace and solely focusing on each other. It's hard in this day and age with technology to be committed to one person for so long especially when things get very routined with the couple. it's like a new toy that your bf is having fun with by texting with his ex, in the beginning it might be innocent but if she makes a move on him, it could get complicated or the other way around. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now but when my ex and I started to aim/text each other a few years ago, things got really complicated because he still has strong feelings for me. My ex might even be one of the reasons I might end my 7 year relationship. I continued to be in touch with my ex because I didn't want to get married to my boyfriend and still think of him, I told my boyfriend about the ex but not at the very beginning which I should have. I'm still confused to be honest so if you are tormented by what's going on, then you can either have an open relationship and let your boyfriend do/say whatever and if you're meant to be, it'll be better in the long-term because once he realizes that you're the one for him, he would not be curious and tempted by others. However, if you're losing sleep over this or it's interfering with your daily tasks, then let him go if he doesn't stop when you tell him you're uncomfortable because it takes two understanding people to build trust. Good Luck! :-)
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A
female
reader, jthomas +, writes (17 December 2009):
Really you shouldn't have to forget it or accept it. If his talking to an ex makes you uneasy, he should respect that. Does she mean that much to him that he deems it necessary to hurt you in order to have a "friendship" w/ her? I would ask him where his priorities lie... Are you #1 on his list, or is she? His effort should go into making you happy and changing the things that make you unhappy on his part.
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