A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not exactly sure what i'm asking for here, but i couldn't find any 'answers' from any other source, so i thought i'd give it a go.I have just experienced a miscarriage. I think the most part came yesterday but i have been having a lot of pain etc today. I only took a positive pregnancy test last Tuesday, so everything has happened pretty quickly and my head is all over the place. When i say 'i', i guess i really mean 'we', because i do have an incredibly supportive, loving boyfriend whom i love very much and i am sure he is just as hurt right now as i am. My problem really comes from the events prior to me miscarrying, during last week when i had just found out. This is my first pregnancy and i am a student in my early 20s, so honestly a positive pregnancy test wasn't anything i would have hoped for at this stage in my life (i don't even know how i got pregnant as i use contraception with extreme care.)... But over the initial shock period, i came to realise over just a few days, that things could be worse.. i have a great supportive, family and an excellent, solid relatonship and all my personal goals in life could be ultimately worked round.My boyfriend, however, was not so understanding. Despite his extreme caring nature, he surprised me by being totally anti-continuing pregnancy and pushed for a medical abortion. I'm not saying it didn't cross my mind, but certainly i feel he was keener than i was. I started spotting on Saturday, and like i say, went through majority of miscarriage yesterday and early this morning. So within a week i was pregnant and then not again. My head is obviously fried- but the reason i'm so upset, is my boyfriend. I think all of a sudden i don't love him anymore, i don't want to be with him, everything he says is the wrong thing. Are my hormones that bad or do i actually resent him for suggesting abortion in the first place? He was there with me yesterday and after his work today, but continually saying the wrong things, being there for the wrong reasons? In a weird little way, i was planning our life together last week. And today i want to tell him it's over.I am young, but i genuinely thought we were set together, but for me, this has changed everything.What should i do?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 September 2009):
 This has been a real rough week for you. I feel for you having this experience. It's tough and it's not something where you're just going to pop back into being normal.
You think he's hurting to. Are you sure, or have you not asked? You said you love him very much, but then state your not sure. Unless you were just settling for him before, I don't think you could go from love to lack of that quick, without it being an emotional or hormonal imbalance at the root.
I know all this happened quick, but a miscarriage is still a traumatic experience. I think some counseling would be a good idea to come to terms with everything that has gone on. With how you spoke about him in the beginning of your message, I think calling it quits before you sort out your emotions will lead to regret.
I want you to think about this. Your choices now will affect "personal goals in life" I can't even think of the number of people I've talked to where their lives have gone from having great goals and determination, then those are given up to a life of wallowing in guilt and regret.
I hope everything works out for you. Take care.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (25 September 2009):
 I think you are grieving... I know you only had your baby for a week, but as you said you were starting to plan your life and the changes you needed to make. Your hormones are probably going a little crazy right now too.A miscarriage is emotionally painful especially to the woman. For you it became a baby right away and now your baby is dead and that hurts. Many men even under ideal circumstances have trouble adjusting to a pending baby and the reality of a pregnancy doesn't hit them until much later... They aren't carrying it in their bodies close to their heart... they don't have maternal instincts. They tend to react much more logically and "objectively" and separate from emotions in order to make important decisions. (And typically its NOT a baby to them yet.)His reaction is probably a normal male reaction and if the miscarriage had not happened he might have adjusted and provided you with less rigid expectations. He was likely in shock. However, if you are anti-abortion and he is pro-abortion that might be a reason after the grieving process to re-evaluate your relationship. You should not make any decisions right now about anything... Don't panic about not feeling for your bf the same, you are still grieving in a way he CANNOT understand because he is not a woman. Some of your true emotions are simply numb right now and it doesn't help if you aren't getting the compassion and understanding that you need right now. You will come out of this grief soon... just tell him you know it may be silly to him but you are grieving for this baby that was a part of him and a part of you... tell him you need him to hold you and let you cry or talk and he is to say nothing but offer comfort, and if he can't do that then you want to grieve alone for awhile.If he is able to offer you the comfort you need either by holding you or giving you space... then that is a good sign that your feelings will return. If he can't do either well that's valuable information to know and when you are done grieving you may want to make some changes.I am so sorry for the loss of your baby... I understand how much it hurts, I lost my first baby to miscarriage and it really hurts. The pain will go away soon, I promise.
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