A
female
age
36-40,
*essamae
writes:Hello. I feel kinda silly asking for advice online, but I am confused and in need of the advice so here it goes...I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. He just recently moved out into his own place that he shares with his friend, but previous to him moving out we lived together (I live at home with my mother and her husband). He had stayed with us for about 18 months, but considering his lack of motivation to find work, the almost constant arguing between he and I, plus his never being home, my mother gave him 2 months to find a job and a place to stay.I am giving that information so you can give me better advice suited to my situation. My dilemma is this... my boyfriend doesn't make me a top priority in his life. If he isn't working at his full-time job, he is doing something with his friends. And of course, 90% of his friends are female. I am not particularly fond of most of his friends, either because I don't trust them (some of his "girl" friends have liked or still do like him) or because they are bad influences (always partying, drinking, doing drugs, getting into bad situations involving police).I understand that he needs his time with his friends, but when his friends see him everyday and I see him once a week I kind of get pissed. It's very hard for me because here is the man I love so much, who I want to make a life with, and he would rather be spending his free time with his friends partying it up than with me. He also NEVER takes me out on dates. I can't remember the last time we went out as a couple and did something enjoyable. He always tells me he has no money to spend on dates, but that's because he spends it all on his alcohol and pot.Am I being unreasonable? Too needy? Stupid to think that I'm in a relationship with a 25-year-old man when really I'm with someone who acts like he's still a child? My mom thinks I'm too good for him, but she's my mother so I can't really get an objective opinion from her, haha.Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Hi hon, I was in this exact same place about a year ago!! It was like reading something I wrote back then! The same issues with my boyfriend always having money to get drunk but not to take me out anytime...We lived together for two years also and things got out of hand with his drinking, etc. But I never really stood up for myself. In fact I was never honest enough with myself to know what I wanted. The fact that you are asking all these questions is just brilliant and a real step towards making things better for you. It took my boyf breaking up with me to realise all the things that he hadn't done for me! I had low self-esteem and wanted to be a 'cool' girlfriend, but when he ended things you could not imagine the relief!I'm a much stronger person now because of it. My advice to you is to look at all the things that he doesn't do to your liking, ask him strongly would he do those things for you to make you happy, and if he has another excuse show him the door. When I showed some ounce of self-respect and signs of moving on, my ex wanted me back...but then he couldn't have me because I knew that it would just end up the same way as before. I have a feeling once you show this man what you want, and show him that you are better off without him, he will come back looking for you. If this happens, be strong and know that you have so much to offer a man, and that you are amazing and strong! Anyhow, having come from a similar situation, I think that you will be surprised at your strength if you decide to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. It's hard because you care so much for him but sometimes that care has to include knowing when to walk away. Good luck and be strong, know what you want! x
A
male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon  +, writes (20 September 2009):
 It's all been said so I'll just add something a friend put to me a long time ago "If you want to soar like an Eagle don't run with the Turkeys" Your boyfriend is a Turkey; leave him to run with the other turkeys and get on with your life. There are plenty of Eagles around for you to hang out with.
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A
female
reader, Rose_red_09 +, writes (20 September 2009):
Not much to add but having read your question - I really do feel that you have asked the questions and actually answered them yourself....
Good luck and take care - you truly deserve better.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (20 September 2009):
 Asking for advice whether it be on line or otherwise is a sign of maturity. It is also a sign of the inner you realizing there is a problem.
I think you realize he is taking you for granted. He knows you will be there for him regardless of how poorly he treats you. And, yes, he is treating you poorly. But this will not change and he will not respect you unless you start sticking up for yourself.
It is not acceptable for a guy in a serious relationship (which yours should be after 2 years and him living in your home for so long) to ignore your needs. He should be spending time with you. I understand the no money but there are cheap dates and very romantic things a guy could do for his gal like a hand packed picnic in the park or a free concert at a local coffee shop.
I am not sure what is going on in his head. It could be as the other posters say that he is immature and doesn't want to grow up. It could be he resents your maturity and the fact that your mom demanded things of him. Maybe he feels not good enough for you so he is treating you like this.
The solution is as to yes, move forward with your life. Figure out what you want in a relationship and then don't settle. Yes, easier to say than to do. But if you want things to work out with this guy, stop accepting his behavior. You can't make him be something he isn't so if he doesn't come around because he wants to then you really have to move on. Because as we all know, change is only permanent when you change yourself because you want to.
Eventually he will grow up but don't expect it or wait for it.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): This guy is clearly a loser and that will not change for a long time, like in 20 years and maybe never.
You need to ask yourself "why do I let someone treat me this way?" You need to learn to love yourself so much that when someone mistreats you, you become indignant and intolerable of this. Until you can feel this way, you will continue to pick up bad men.
Find someone you love that is already the way you like them. Never expect that you can change someone...people become resentful of other people that try to change them, even if it is for the better! You will walk away the bad guy..or the bitch. I know you don't want to be that person.
Go on the internet and google 'learning to love yourself' or 'healing the inner child' see what you can find.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (20 September 2009):
Yes you are being unreasonable.
This guy clearly doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't want to work, he doesn't want a serious girlfriend.
He's made this clear to you so why are you hanging around trying to change him?
Either put up with the fact you are dating a complete loser, or move on and find a grown up to date.
There is only so much you can blame him for, if he's a natural born idiot then you have to blame yourself for hanging on for so long hoping he'll suddenly wake up one morning and decide to treat you properly which takes time effort and money.
Why the hell should he when you'll just put up with what he's giving now and still have sex with him?
I don't mean to have a go, just putting a different perspective on it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Julie D +, writes (20 September 2009):
Hey girl wake up call ur mum is so right. you deserve so much better. this guy is a waste of time and he is not likely to change untill he is a lot older, if at all. i know how hard it is to let go of someone u love wholeheartedly and u want to spend ur whole life with, but as u can plainly see he does not feel the same. he is not good for u and u may aswell be on ur own as to be with someone who feels his friends whethet female or male r more important than spending time with u. he is a very selfish self centered immature guy who will only cause u more upset and trouble if u stay with him. find other things to do with ur time, hang out with friends of ur own and try as much as u can to not frequent the places he goes to. know ur worth so much better and sooner than u think u will find that better person.
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A
male
reader, Blessbybeer +, writes (20 September 2009):
hey
i kinda in the samse shoes as you. I recently moved on my girlfriend, house not to long ago, but I as soon as a left she left me..
I think you should listen to your moms! She right. Even if it hurts. You already know that the guy is not good for you.
I know where you coming from. Me and my ex never saw eye to eye. She was killing me with stress and i still miss her. But you can't let know body get in the way of you life. Alway put your slef first.
I could almost bet that he cheating are you.
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