A
male
age
36-40,
*ranny
writes:First to understand my situation..you have to know what I have been through the last year.For the last 3 years I have been a recreational/serious poker player. I'd go the casino on a decent basis.There was this poker dealer that I slowly got to know. We started texting and talking but only as friends. We talked for about 3 months, and I could tell that she really liked me. She would offer to pick me up and we'd go hang out and stuff. After getting to know her, I started to like her. This was around October to December of 2008. But what makes things so difficult is that she had kids and was married and she was 9 yrs older than me. Her husband treated her like crap. He had no job and verbally abused her constantly. She would tell me about it and at first I felt this pity towards her. And then that pity turned to endearment. January 2009 we started to talk seriously. My 21st birthday was coming up, and she wanted to come hang out with me. She said she could hang out with me that Saturday..That Saturday night was also valentine's day. But I let her come see me anyway that night. We went to dinner and just talked that night. One thing led to another and we had an affair.We did this for about 6 weeks. Thats when I told her it couldnt go on anymore because it was tearing me apart. But then she started to gamble all her money away and got pretty depressed.That got to me a little bit. I came her to see her again and again we cheated. We did this for another two months. At this point, she loved me. She wanted to say it to me. She would hint at it. But I told her not to say it, because what we had wasnt pure. And also at the time I didnt think i loved her. We broke it off in April 2009 mutually. Every night there after i would think about her. i didnt think i loved her. But someday in early May, I thought about her all day. I'd stare at her picture on myspace and all those emotions came out. It was then that I realized that I loved her. I cried that night. She was the first girl i loved. And the one girl I loved and I could not have her. I started to hate the world then.And then in around mid-to-late june, this girl started talking to me. She lived 5 hours away and we were just friends through association. I didnt really know her. She hit me up on facebook one night and we talked for like 4 hours. The next night we talked for 4 hours again on facebook. I learned so much about somebody in just two days. She had just broke up with her boyfriend who also cheated on her. At this time, I was like, "great, i'm just another outlet/rebound". Then she told me about her abortion and all her issues. I'd comfort her. One night i told her about my affair. she listened and actually cared. (Outside of my family, noone really cares for me and so i was sorta surprised)A month and a half later, I took a trip up to go see her. That weekend was probably one of my better weekends. I smiled. And all of a sudden all that hate from the previous "relationship" vanished. After that weekend we agreed to be bf/gf, even though it would be long distance. It went well for the first week. We'd text and talk every waking moment. Man, i was crazy for this girl. And then that's when i wondered how the first girl was doing. I looked on her myspace and she wrote something about me. this thing she wrote about me hit me hard. I told the girl i liked about what the first girl wrote, and I thought she would understand. But then she started to cry and hung up on me. It hasnt been the same since. A month and a half later, she says she just wants to be friends (she said it was her way of wanting to work things out, but it would take alot of time). She said she doesnt wanna get involved with anyone at all.I really hurt her. She's been cheated on and her previous relationship has hurt her so much with the abortion.But i miss her so much now. I miss her with all my heart.What should I do?
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abortion, affair, broke up, depressed, facebook, long distance, money, my ex, myspace, player, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 September 2009):
 Sorry, but "mistakes" are wrong lane changes...you helped a married woman cheat. Thats a conscious decision on your part that shows a deficiency of character.
A
male
reader, tranny +, writes (20 September 2009):
tranny is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ron: Thank you for your reply.
That's exactly what I was thinking. I just wanted our relationship to be built on total honesty.
Girl #1 would be nothing but trouble in my life. I dont love her anymore. I just want her to have a great life, one without me in it.
Julie: Thank you for your reply.
I want to give her the time she needs. But it's hard to arrange times to hang out as friends when she is five hours away. However I keep in touch with her through texting and facebook as friends although she is sometimes non-responsive. I hurt her bad. Should I still try and text her every now and then or should I give her space? Even more space than the 400 mile difference we have right now?
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A
male
reader, tranny +, writes (20 September 2009):
tranny is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGrimm: I like your reasoning and appreciate your concern.
But I dont think I caved. I just informed girl #2 of what was going on. I wanted our relationship to be built on honesty, and if I didnt tell her then, our relationship's genuineness would have been compromised.
I loved girl #1. It's wrong, and I understand that I probably do deserve all the heartbreak. But "I loved girl #1" is past tense. I made a mistake and I want a chance with girl #2. What we had was honestly really, really great. I mean we talked on the phone for 9 straight hours, and when we werent on the phone we texted all day, every day for 3 months. She wrote poems about me, and made them public to all her friends. We were crazy about each other
Do you really think she will certainly never trust me again?
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A
female
reader, KendraAndel  +, writes (20 September 2009):
Hi!Okay first of all, I think you should let go of the affair you had with the married woman. She has childen, and she has a husband. So her husband doesn't treat her well? This is the root where her affair with you has likely stemmed from. She hasn't been receiving any attention from her husband for working and bringing up their kids, probably feeling pretty neglected. Not only that but if her husband verbally abuses her then she will naturally feel needy and unwanted. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the likely story is that she loves the attention and affection you give her which she craves from her husband. You give her the part of her life which is missing. As long as she has you as well as her family she will have everything she wants- she would never leave that for you. It would never work. For the second part, the new girl. You really have to look at this from where she is standing. She has been through a lot, and finds a guy she likes. She gives you a chance. Yes, you are honest with her about everything, but telling her you checked out your ex's page and it re-kindled feelings is like a slap in the face for her. You have two options really. You either decide to give things a proper shot woth girl number two, or leave her alone to get on with her life.Option number one would involve admitting to being wrong, and assuring her you have no feelings for your ex. Then making a proper effort to put everything you have into re-gaining her trust.Option number two would involve admitting to her that although you have feelings for her, you wouldn't feel it would be fair to embark on a relationship when you are so confused with YOUR feelings. Then giving dating a bitt of a miss for a while, to work out your feelings and cool down.Hope this helps, good luck. X
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (20 September 2009):
Well young man, you are a prime example of the old saying about Karma.
See you helped a married woman to cheat. So after meeting #2 you emotionally went back to the well by looking at Myspace.
What did you expect?...#2 is
A) Long Distance
B) A victim of cheating
C) Had a recent traumatic experience with an abortion
D) Probably very correct in being suspicious about you. After all, you caved like a house of cards over something #1 wrote on a blog, and then told #2 about it, knowing her background.
So #2 logically assumes that when you told her about the blog, that would give you the opportunity to cheat on her with #1.
Can you blame her? I sure wouldn't. You sure didn't didn't do yourself any favors by even looking at #1's Myspace page when you were supposed to be dating #2. You invited a Hornets nest.
People that have been cheated on before are very suspicious of anyone, never mind someone who they just started dating and tells them about feelings for their affair.
Hope you learned a valuable lesson here...no one likes cheaters, young man. No one likes to be involved with someone who has a history of such behaviors.
I suggest you grow up and leave #2 in peace. She will certainly never trust you, and for good reason.
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A
female
reader, Julie D +, writes (20 September 2009):
if u really love this girl then u need to give her the time she needs, as u said she has been deeply hurt and let down in the past, her trust has been shattered. be her friend and try and arrange to spend time together as friends. u need to let her c that u can be trusted and u r reliable, someone she can turn to when things get to much. i am sure when she sees that u really do care she will give u the chance u r looking 4. word of advice; stay away from the married woman, no matter what she says she is going through she is still with her husband and it is 4 them 2 fix or sort out. she was just using u as a bit of fun on the side so ignore her from now on and concentrate on the girl u care about now.
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