A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 19 years old and away at university, my boyfriend is 25 and is at home working, we have constantly disagreed on subjects but this one has effected me the most, he likes to use porn as a masturbation aid, downloading around 50 porn video's I have told him that it gives my confidence a kick because it feels like I'm in the wrong for saying that i don't want him to use it, he told me and promised me that he wouldn't use it anymore, but recently i have been home and i found a downloads folder on the computer, he had downloaded porn whilst i went out for no more than 6 hours for a day with a couple of friends i knew this by looking on the date of the file downloaded.In previous discussions he has told me that is ok for me. i don't need it but he has no way to relieve his frustrations, this made me angry at him saying it because people naturally have an imagination, i've heard things such as people who watch porn and more interested in the people in it, which makes me feel like when we have sex it makes me feel like he is imagining someone else, and that its just a whole big fantasy thing for him.how can i resolve this issue, because leaving it alone isn't going to resolve the way it makes me feel.
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male
reader, epicureansage  +, writes (19 February 2011):
Trying to change other people's sex habits through ultimatums or emotional blackmail/adding guilt NEVER WORKS. It'll just "push it into the closet" and lead to lies, broken promises, and hurt feelings.
While it is good to be honest and express your discomfort with things like this (or anything in a relationship), I think you need to understand some basic things about male sexuality...
A crucial part of this being that men and women (generally) have different "mating strategies." Men have a MUCH easier time disengaging SEX from love or social committment than women do. There are "darwinian" roots to this. In ancient times, a sign of a successful male was that he had a plurality of women available to him, but they'd receive different levels of emotional and material generosity from him. Even tho Christianized-western culture officially put an end to this, the biology involved is archaic.
IOW. you should not feel threatened by the tarts he's getting a quick "release" from AT ALL. Frankly, in terms of things he could be pleasuring himself to, I think you might prefer it be what essentially amounts to a prostitute on a screen, than have him savoring memories of past gf's or thoughts or REAL "competition" for his affections...
A
male
reader, skirting the issues  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 Sweetie I understand what you are feeling. It very well could be he is addicted to it. Does he sneak out of bed to watch it when you are there? If not than don't harp on it. I realize that it is a form of cheating, but, at least he is not out running around. Masturbation is a necessary evil as we all need that release. If you are away a lot then he is just trying to be loyal. He could be out there and finding a different release. Give him another option,phone sex with you is one. Just try and give it a chance, it sounded stupid to me also when it was suggested but it kept his interest up amongst other things. I do hope that helps some.
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A
male
reader, crazybeast +, writes (19 February 2011):
 I know how much it may upset you because he may be thinking of another man but porn for most of us, me atleast is just a release, at no point i think of anyone else except my partner. Also porn is in no way, shape or form an alternative to the real thing.. I mean you just cant beat it so its not like he is watching porn instead of wanting you. One last point... Porn viewing can also be a habit, part of someones routine and doesnt mean anything its just apart of what there dayly/weekly lives.
If it is really effecting you then sit him down and say it blunt (if you can), Just say that him viewing porn is making you less comfident.
Xx Beasty xX
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (18 February 2011):
Hi there. You say he works from home. Because it seems that he does his work on the computer, hence in a bored or frustrating moment, he masturbates while watching a porn video.
He'd get more answers to his problems at work, by going for a nice long relaxing walk! He would probably very quickly find the answers to the difficult work task problems, he has. Walking really clears the mind, and is great for creative thinking. Many very innovative thoughts and ideas have occured during walking. He will feel really relaxed afterwards.
He won't find the answers by watching porn and masturbating, that's for sure. All that does, is relieve the stress feeling - by making him feel more relaxed after. No creative thoughts developing.
All that is, is an escape.
Perhaps you could mention this to him.
It doesn't seem to be about the sex, but more, a very easy way to relieve the stress of a frustrating work problem.
It's become a habit for him now. But, habits can be broken. A habit is all that it is.
He needs to get out more!
What he'd be better off doing, is when problems with his work start to really knaw at him, to just leave the computer and do something else completely different. Go for a walk, pursue a hobby for 30 minutes or so, just a change of pace. We all need that. To keep sitting there is completely counterproductive. It's a total waste of time. He probably gets very little work done.
It's even possible that he doesn't really enjoy the work he does, as much as he tries to make out. He might need to change his work altogether.
The problem with working at home, is it's very isolating with no-one else to talk to. It's just him!
He will probably soon work it out for himself, that what he's doing just isn't working. He's probably not very productive at all! He will need to reach this conclusion for himself. Sooner or later he will do that. Just so long as he doesn't remain in denial.
So don't feel that it's anything to do with you. This is about him. It's apparently how he copes with problems. To him, it's like taking a sedative.
Some people drink alcohol, others take drugs, others gamble, some people sleep, watch porn, shop till you drop. There are so many forms of escapism. And escapism is all that it is, nothing more.
A method of running away from his problems, or at least distracting himself from them for a little while, anyway.
Like everything else in life, it too will come to pass, and he'll realize that it's ineffective. At that point, he will find some other way to sort out his problems. He'll also be happier and more content in his life generally.
Take care and best wishes.
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