A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well i have a major problem and would love any help or input. I have been married for 14 years next month and i suffer from bi polar so i am not easy to live with but my husband puts up with me and i have slowly pushed him away emotionaly, not meaning to and he has become more distant and afraid to share intimate things with me cause of how i might react and i understand that. And being that we are both depressed and co-dependent he feels like i haven't given him what he needs and i'm trying but it isn't the way he wants it i guess. So long story short i found that he has been texting other girls, hiding his texts from me and if i ask anything about who it was he gets defensive and says its non of my buiness. My counsulor said that was a emotional affair and i know i should not have done this but i have read some of his texts and emails. And my fears of him having a crush on a co worker is true and the texts he sends to these girls who he says are "just friends" he tells them one thing but tells me another thing. He talks about how he kicks himself for not meeting up with this girl and how they could go for lunch sometime and play in the park and how he dosen't care what they do as long as he is with her. Mind u this is who he calls "a friend" not the one he is obsessed about. Well i confronted him on it the other day and well lets just say that didn't go well which i knew it wouldnt.I knew he would be mad for me checking up on him and i understand that but it was getting harder and harder to ignore my gut feelings plus his actions were louder then his words. I thought i word her a "sorry i hurt u i am trying to work on things and i understand ur concerns but i will try to assure u that there is nothing but i just need some space and time cause u invaded my space and trust and i am very hurt and so on" that is what i was hoping and thought he "might say" but no!He said it was my fault, i was reading to much into it and i need to give him space cause i made him so numb now by confronting him and he loves me and supposedly want to stay in the marriage. He gets angry if i mention posablity of giving it up down the road and he gets angry if i ask about his obsession or how he it happened and how long.I know he may not totaly know what is going on in his head. When i mentioned marriage counsling he got defensive and said "ok i will do whatever u and everyone ealse wants me to do and put my needs aside for u again so i dont hurt. i just need to be numb and forget about ever being happy cause i don't deserve to be happy" and i tell him i don't want that and that he dose deserve to be happy and that wont help our marriage. I told him that i will do whatever i can to concentrate my energy on me and the kids, give him his space and allow him to do whatever he needs to do to heal and not have him give anything up since he says that was his way of "working things out in his head" He doesen't journal either cause he knows i looked 1 time. I screwed up so bad and i am dying inside seeing what he is going through and it is because of me and i cant talk to him. How do i get through the day and function for my kids and family when my energy is 0. i have all this in the back of my mind and my mind racing every moment. he is so numb and turned off he dosent know anything and dosent care about anything and i dont know how much longer i can live like this and live with this giult. i know and understand he needs time but i am scared!! please help!
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (19 February 2011):
Both of you have really hurt each other, maybe beyond repair. He put up with your bipolar issues when you pushed him away. Maybe he shouldn't have, because in so doing he disengaged from the marriage and started an affair with more than just one woman. then you snooped in his texts and caught him but he feels no remorse he feels he's justified.
it sounds like he's seething with resentment toward you, he feels that he's the one always sacrificing what he wants. Naturally you feel betrayed by his emotional affair and have zero trust in him. So this is quite a mess.
The difference though is that you acknowledge your issues and the part you played in the disintegration of the relationship and are trying to do your part to save the relationship. But it sounds like he refuses to acknowledge his own issues (depression and codependency) and his role in the marriage breakdown and he refuses to budge any.
This is the show stopper, which is his refusal to budge or acknowledge. And it may not be his fault, he may just feel that he's given all he has to give and has no more. But if so, he should have the strength to leave you. If he doesn't want to leave you, then he should take responsibility for doing his part to work on the relationship.
Regardless of whose fault it was, who did what to whom first, it takes two to make a relationship work. If one partner refuses and completely disengages, then there's nothing the other can do. Your marriage may essentially already be over.
The worst thing though is to STAY together despite this dynamic, it's far better to separate or divorce if the relationship has truly run its course and there's nothing that can be salvaged because one partner refuses to even try.
if you separate at least then you get respite from hurting each other more, and you can start to heal and move on. But as long as you continue to trap each other yet without improving things, the hurt and paranoia and resentment will continue to fester because you're exposing each other to it every day.
so to me it seems like it's not a matter of who did what wrong and therefore who needs to change and who needs to accommodate, because he is refusing to budge on anything. Unless he changes his mind, the relationship is over and even though he refuses to let go because he's codependent, that's when you have to be the stronger one and end it , for BOTH your sakes. Because basically, he has already given up on the marriage. You are wanting to try and save the relationship. But he feels that there's nothing that can be done except for him to become more miserable. And in so doing he will drag you down until you no longer want to try either. Your energy level will plummet even more and you'll feel even worse than you do now.
I think you need to shake things up and force a resolution so that you can know what to tell yourself, to save your sanity. Tell him that if he wants to stay married, he should get individual counseling to work out his issues - because it's hurting both him and you when he remains messed up - or go with you to marriage counseling. If he refuses that, then you will initiate a trial separation that might lead to a divorce. because you need to heal some how. You can't do that if he's not going to budge and stop hurting you when you're trying to do your part to stop hurting him. And you can't heal if you don't leave the marriage either.
Don't take all the blame on yourself. You may have emotionally shut him out long ago (which is very destructive) but he did have the choice to leave the marriage if he was so unhappy with the relationship, but he didn't. He chose to stay married yet be miserable and be having an affair. He believes that staying with you means he just has to keep sacrificing more which he obviously resents. If that's the way he feels, then fine, he can divorce you. But he won't, so that's not being fair. His need to be a matyr is trapping both him and you in a loveless marriage.
Tell him if he doesn't want to work with you on saving the relationship (which also means taking responsibility for his shortcomings and working on his own issues), then leave the marriage. Otherwise all you're doing is just continuing to hurt each other and yourselves and make yourselves unable to function in normal daily life.
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