A
female
age
26-29,
*issJoanFrancis
writes:I got engaged last August, his mother died a year beforehand he said he will give me her ring but i never felt 100% happy with it as i never got to see it till i got engaged. The ring keeps slipping off and when he tries it on my finger he says its fine nothing is wrong with it but it is very lose. It gets so annoying that i dont bother wearing it as it does not fit me and if i lost it he would kill me and when i dont wear it he keeps giving it to me to put on. He wont get it resized as he does not want to change it and he wont let me clean it either and When we fight he says give me my ring , my mothers ring when i say its mine he says no its my mothers which makes me feel what is my engagement ring then? He then says things like if we ever split i get it back as its my mothers It really makes me sad (this is in the heat of a fight) but because i guess always wanted my own ring and he keeps refering it to either his or his mothers i tell him how you should get me my own ring then and he brushes it off saying well its yours now??! I don't care about the price and things but god id rather claim my own ring than have someone tell me im just wearing a ring that does not belong to me. When we got engaged 6 months beforehand he told me he would propose in venice but ended up on a beach after a fight which was more disappointing. Im not all for money being spent but he gets my hopes up too often with promises he does not fufill. After we got engaged he said see we did it for free, those words will forever be with me till i die. I just feel really disappointed and dont know why i feel this way? any advice? should i say something about the ring for him to listen to me?
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male
reader, inquisitor  +, writes (12 December 2014):
It's his mother's ring - at least in his eyes. Having you wear it as an engagement ring is not appropriate, for him it is an emotional attachment to his mother, and for you it is not your own ring and you don't feel comfortable with it (not even mentioning the sizing issues).
I'd give him the ring back - it means a lot to him as it was his mother's. And tell him if he wants to get engaged then he should buy you a proper (different) engagement ring.
I agree with the other posters - you are extremely young to get married, especially if you are fighting. Only with the wisdom of age will you look back on this and see that it is the truth.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): I think neither of you are ready to get engaged, you are way too young at this point. You're fighting a lot and he is completely immature and disrespectful to give you his mother's ring, and then constantly threaten to take it back when you argue. The comment about we did it for free is ridiculous and not something you want to remember for the rest of your life. I think you two have different life philosophies. The ring is a symbol of some of his problems. He is definitely a momma's boy who is more attached to the memory of his mother and to this ring than he is to you apparently- the ring and all of this come before your needs and feelings. He won't size it, yet he would be livid if you lost it and still tells you to keep wearing it when he isn't threatening to take it back. It's seems like he wants this to happen so he can blame you and maybe dump you. He is constantly threatening to take it back if you break up so a break up is on his mind. I think he sounds mentally unstable. He isn't ready to make a commitment to anyone, his behavior around possessiveness of the ring shows this he isn't even able to give and let go of a possession which is supposed to be yours and a symbol of his love for you and yours for him as well as a symbol of your future marriage. The value of the ring may have something to do with this for him also, is it very valuable? But I think the emotional factors are stronger here.This isn't someone you want to marry imo. Sit down and have a talk with him about all of this, he needs to hear how you feel, the way he is treating you is not good.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (11 December 2014):
 wow, there's alot going on. I mean no disrespect but the two of you are very young. He sounds thoughtless and immature and at times just plain rude. Its sweet that he gave you his mother's ring, but the fact is..he still considers it to be his mom's and I don't think that is ever going to change. I'd be respectful but give it back. It will never feel like yours. The way he goes about asking for it back and that it was free it just crass. I wonder if its way too early for the two of you to be engaged? Are you sure you really want to be with this guy? He really doesn't treat you well. It might do both of you some good to sit back and reflect and possibly wait on being engaged until he grows up and gives you a ring that you can truly feel is YOURS. I would never feel comfortable in the situation that you are in.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 December 2014):
 He's a whole lot of trouble and he's not considering your feelings.
It also sounds like he was extraordinarily close to his mother. I'm not saying that is bad but his attitudes are a concern. Is he still grieving for his mother? Is it too early for him to be moving on and too early for him to be considering marriage?'
Any normal man would have the
commonsense to have the ring resized.
He inherited the ring and then the ring became his property to keep or share with someone else.
Seems that he is not yet willing to trust any woman enough to GIVE her the ring as his gift to her as a token to indicate the depth of his love for the woman he has chosen to be his wife.
More worrying too is that he keeps threatening to take the ring back or he demands the ring back.
He chose to give the ring to you. Though due to his own wish to not spend a cent on you he did not Gift you the ring, instead he LENT you the ring he inherited from his mother.
He does not behave respectfully towards you.
Not when he keeps on reminding you, by his own actions and his own words and attitudes that he's only LENT the ring to you - demanding the ring back whenever he is displeased with you.
That is a childish and immature attitude on his part.
I think he has far too many attitudes that will only get worse. He sounds controlling and he seems unable to discuss things without resorting to some very nasty petty and immature attitudes.
Fighting this soon and with him being so petty and nasty suggests that there would surely be a nicer man who treats you more respectfully than this man who seems to still be grieving for his mother and is still not ready to move on.
If you are certain that you love him and you are certain that he loves you - and considering that the ring he inherited from his mother means so much to him then perhaps you should give the ring back to him and suggest that the two of you together should go to choose a ring that suits you and is your size?
He will possibly not like the idea. The idea may even triggee a new disagreement.
After all he very rudely remarked that he'd been able to get engaged for ''free''. What a crass rude remark.
If he does not like the idea of spending a cent on a ring for you then perhaps he'd be better off sitting at home all by himself, with just the ring he inherited from his mother, after his mother died?
Nothing he says suggests that he holds you in very high regards.
He certainly does not seem to want to please you, nor does he seem to consider your feelings.
As a potential husband? I think I'd let him be - leave him to remain a bachelor until he has matured a little more, and until he develops more consideration and respect towards any woman he encounters and considers as his potential future wife
I feel certain that a man who thought very highly of you would behave with more consideration and more respect towards you. I hope that you are able to find such a good man.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2014):
 I think in this case yes, you should say something. I think proposing with his mother's ring is awesome. I love the sense of adding the new fiance to the "family" by using a family heirloom. BUT in this case, my guess is... he is using the ring because it's sentiment to HIM, and it was free, just like he proposed on the beach, because it was free and right after a fight, you said?. AND that.... IS SO NOT ROMANTIC. Why did you say yes? If the proposal didn't sit right with you, then you should have said no, or I'm not ready yet.
He did a BIG mistake by building the proposal up - by TELLING you, he will propose in Venice. He should NOT have told you HOW and when he wanted to propose, because it ruined the proposal you DID get.
I'm not saying that a proposal HAS to be this elaborate or expensive expression of love (and from what you write neither do you) but I think what your fiance did was promising you a Jaguar and then giving you the keys to a 15 year old rusty Honda. WHO wouldn't be a tad disappointed? YES, you got a car, lovely.. but.... if he had just said car, it would have been a great surprise. So I don't think you are being ungrateful at all. However, YOU accepted the keys (proposal) and now YOU two are engaged. THAT is what matters - IF he is the guy you can see yourself with LONG TERM. So I would let the matter of the proposal go. The ring issue? no, that needs to be talked about.
I'd tell him straight out, I love that you feel I'm worthy of your Mother's ring, but that is what it is, YOUR MOTHER'S RING. NOT mine. YOU won't even let me re-size it so it fits, because (and I understand) you want it INTACT the WAY your mother had it. However, I'm NOT your mother and my fingers are different. So, as much as I love the SYMBOLISM of wearing your mother's ring, I don't WANT to wear a ring that doesn't fit - I'd be scared shirtless to lose it and I feel it's not really mine, just on loan. So either you go save up for a RING for me that FITS and is MINE, or I think we need to put the engagement thing on hold for a little while.
YOU are the one who WEARS the "symbol" of the impending marriage - you should at LEAST be able to wear it without it falling off.
You two need to talk, and you NEED to stop backing down.
My dad got his mother's engagement ring, took the diamonds out (there were 2) had a jeweler make a ring that HE designed for my mother in white gold ( she didn't like yellow gold) and added the 2 diamonds from the original ring. This ring was then passed to my brother (he is the oldest) and HE redesigned it for my SIL, when they finally decided to get married. Same diamonds, different design.
I, on the other hand got a "store-bought" engagement ring - honestly it was ugly as sin (lol) not at all my aesthetic. One that my now husband had picked out. It fit (he got the size right) and I WORE it every day, even if I wouldn't have picked that ring myself in a million years. BECAUSE HE chose that ring with ME in mind. I was pretty sad when we had a break in and my wedding set (the engagement ring was part of a 2-piece interlocking ring set) was stolen. I did get a replacement years later, that I picked out. And I do wear it all the time, but I still miss my original "ugly as sin" ring.
So TALK to him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 December 2014):
 I can see him wanting you to have his mother's ring.
I can also see you wanting to make it your own.
I think that if you two can't agree on something as easy as getting engaged (cost, ring, location) then perhaps an engagement at this point is putting the cart before the horse?
I did not want us to spend a lot of money on an engagement ring for me as I already had a ton of jewelery and do not need a ring to let me know he loves me, I do like wearing a wedding band and engagement ring and my deceased mother's ring and some other jewelery of hers was taken and melted down and made into my engagement ring with her gold and her diamond but it's totally our design and my ring.
IN the case of family heirlooms, I do think if the engagement is broken the ring should be returned.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (11 December 2014):
 You are probably not going to like my answer, but for me, you do not sound ready for marriage.
The fact that you fight so much, have disagreements, and regular issues about him "taking back" the ring.... well it all screams red flags.
You are still only 18-21 years old. This is SO young. You have your whole life ahead of you. HE doesn't sound very mature at all, and it is worrying that he is rushing into this as a way of filling the void after the death of his mother.
He is still grieving for his Mother, and this is reflected in the possessiveness over the ring.
I think, that in reality, you two are just not ready for this massive commitment.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (11 December 2014):
The larger question is, why are you marrying someone that you fight with constantly?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life fighting with the person who is supposed to love you the most?
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