A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started hanging out with this girl whom I knew had a boyfriend of 1.5 years. In our talks, I found out that he had been nice to her. However, had a tendency to look at other girls on the internet and that crushed this girl. She tells me that she would like to be with me because I treat her right. So we make plan to do just that, with me showing respect that she has to get over the other guy. We hold hands, go out, I'm a gentlemen to her, we hug. We expressed that we wanted to kiss, but wanted to at the right time. Well, things were going great for about a week, until the other night when she had told me that she knows she wants to be with me, and that she had fallen so fast for me and "likes me so so so much." She tells me that I'm the boyfriend she never had and deserves. I've done a lot to show her I care(filled her vehicle up with gas unexpectedly, left her notes hidden(which she also does), brought her half my dinner when I went out to eat). I told her I'd wait. But the other night she had said that when she's with me she feels that she is where she belongs. But after she goes home she feels sad about getting ready to end her current relationship. They don't have sex, the last few times they saw each other there was no physicality, and he even mentions that he feels he is losing her. Then last night happened. We were walking in the cold, and I jokingly picked her up, then we almost kissed. Except we froze in place and I asked, "Are you sure?" She said yes, and we kissed. When I get home we talk on the phone and she tells me how good a kisser and I am and how soft my lips are, all that. But then tells me that she needs more time to end her relationship. She still wants to grow with me and do what we do. I have explained that I see things from her side and told her to examine my side. She says she understands, but nothing happened yet. What should I do?
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 December 2014):
 The bottom line is that she is cheating, lying and sneaking around. You know she has someone else and yet you are sneaking around to spend time with her and kiss her. Deep down inside you know this isn't right. She's got the best of both worlds and probably doesn't want to give them up. When push comes to shove are you sure she'll pick you? How do you know she won't start seeing you and then sneak off to see him? We see this all the time and it never turns out well. Rebound relationships don't normally last. And you need to remember one thing...if she cheats with you, she will cheat on you. That happens alot as well.
Are you sure you can trust her?? She's not presenting herself very well. How would you like to be the boyfriend?? She could just as easily do this to you what she's doing to her current boyfriend. Food for thought...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2014):
 Let me ask you one question,
IF she ever leaves her boyfriend and gets with you will you ever wonder what she's up to when she's gone and doesn't tell you where she is or who she is with?
You are single. She is not. IF you want her as a partner then I would tell her that it's over till she has ended her relationship with her current boyfriend formally and has moved out to her own place.
Until she leaves him and is living on her own she is cheating and lying. Are you ok being with someone who can look you in the eye and say "NOTHING IS WRONG"?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 December 2014):
 You have to separate your passion from realizing the true person she is. How does looking at girls online even compare to having an actual, physical affair? If she feels justified getting back at him like this, using you as a means to prove her worth, then it is a character flaw of hers. She is still with him because he was not mistreating her terribly. She still loves him and he has some redeeming qualities which made her stay. She wants the cake and eat it too. Also she does not believe that she can have a guy she's crazy about and at the same time treats her perfectly too. So she settles with this going back and forth, sweet taboo, hiding and escaping. You shouldn't settle either. You should be with a girl who is sure about you right from the beginning.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 December 2014):
Do you feel comfortable with things the way they are? I doubt it, so it's time for you to tell her to shit or get off the pot.
She's got an ideal situation. Love and familiarity with her boyfriend, romance and excitement with you. Unless she is forced to make a choice she won't, as someone pointed out, until she gets caught.
You need to tell her that this can't continue unless she leaves him, not just promising to leave him. Delaying won't make it easier, so don't believe that she's working up to it. A breakup is like taking off a bandaid. Do it quick and it hurts more but it's over quicker.
If you don't respect yourself you're laying a foundation for her to not respect you in the future. Because right now your girl is dating someone else and you're telling her that it's okay.
I also want to note that it may be a mistake to start dating someone like her in the first place. Instead of trying to fix the relationship she's in, she is seeking fulfillment from people outside of her relationship.
That's not a great way to begin a new relationship, it shows a pretty serious character flaw in my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 December 2014):
 OP, we read of these scenarios soooooo often they're a cliché. The relationship that's all but over but they can't end it because they don't want to hurt the boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife.
The thing is, OP, she's not just hiding you from her boyfriend, but from EVERYONE who knows about him. His friends and family, her friends and family, co-workers, acquaintances, neighbours...you cannot 'grow' properly in such a confined space any more than an oak tree can grow in a plant pot.
The thought of breaking up with her boyfriend makes her feel bad and she doesn't want to feel bad so she avoids it. She has two choices: she can feel bad for a little while then feel good with you OR she can avoid feeling bad AND still feel good with you. Guess which one she's picked.
It will ALWAYS be a 'bad time'. She's not ready, it's Christmas, it's Valentine's Day, it's her/his birthday, the dog is sick, his grandmother is dying, there's a recession, he just got a promotion, he's been so sad lately, he's been so happy lately. It will always be something.
One day you might be the boyfriend she doesn't want to hurt.
And finally, regardless of how innocent you make it sound and sincere your feelings may be, you're sneaking about with a woman who has pledged herself to someone else. You are no more innocent than she is even though you're single. As I've said in other posts, you're a party to the social contract that binds us all, that is to treat others as we would want to be treated.
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