A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really am at such a loss of what to do, or even what to think at this point...I have been dating a man from Italy (I am American) for a little over 6 months. We met in a way where our trust in one another needs to be strong enough to get beyond the fact that we met as a one night stand, both having just ending previous relationships. Things were perfect when we started dating more seriously and decided to take things to the next level and then the next. The past three our four months, however, his jealousy has reached levels that almost scare me. He has never used physical force against me, I will say that right off the bat. It started when he would accuse me of wanting to be with his best friend, and when we had a big argument about it, I said that I needed to take a walk around the block to cool down because I was so upset for having been falsely accused - that it felt like my feelings for him meant nothing and that I was being disrespected. But then it turned into an every day things (I really wish that I was exaggerating...:( ) We can not walk down the street together without him accusing me of looking at other men. I now walk with my eyes down and do not smile because I do not want him to think that I am interested in anyone else. Here I am, six months later, and it's as though I know what I should do (leave him), but my emotions are strong enough/deep enough for him that I can not bring myself to do it because I have never left someone who I am in love with. When we are intimate, (this started a few months ago) he accuses me of not liking the sex with him. He knows that an ex of mine (three years ago) was half African American, and he will stop having sex with me and tell me to "go f*ck a n*****", when I have told him how disrespectful that word is. He will continue to rant about how my "p*ssy is too big for him" and that he "can't feel when he f*cks me", and then if I do not want to have sex with him within the next 24 hours (before I have built myself back up inside), he assumes that it's because I am cheating on him. It feels like a complete lose-lose situation. Two months ago, I was pregnant, with his child. He wanted me to keep it but I was starting to feel as though he was becoming abusive and I did not think that it was a stable enough of a relationship to have the child and possibly have him involved with my Life, for the rest of my Life...it was a decision that has haunted me since everything happened, and although I know deep down that I made the best decision at the time for me, it kills me. I have told him that for me to purely enjoy the sex, for me to be uninhibited and comfortable, that I need to feel emotionally safe in the relationship and that when he calls me a whore, tells me that he knows that I am cheating on him (I would never do that, I never have done that to ANY of my boyfriends...it's been done to me and I KNOW that pain and it's a pain that I would NEVER inflict onto someone else...), tells me that I should leave him because he "needs someone with a smaller p*ssy", and then continues to get upset with me for not having confidence to have sex with him, or for not having a sex drive at all - how much more unattractive could I possibly feel? He tells me that I need to respect him, that it's okay that he has slept with over 50 women and that it's acceptable because he is the man, but that I am a "fucking whore" because I have been intimate with 9 men (he was the ninth, and the rest were ex boyfriends with the exception of one). He tells me that he knows that all American women cheat on their boyfriends, despite the fact that I have told him that I would never do that...I have to sign onto facebook every morning when I get to work and if I do not respond to a message from him within two minutes, he calls me. If I miss a call, he calls until I see my cell phone ringing. If I wear high heels to work, he accuses me of sleeping with someone in the office. If I do not come straight home after work (we live together), he accuses me of not loving him and asks me how I could do that to him (be with someone else - when I haven't so much as wanted to since the day I MET him because I became immediately infatuated and later fell in love with the help of his swooning and sweet talk). I have had job interviews that I have been very excited about and when I tell him about them, he doesn't care how they went, but he does care to know every detail of what the interviewer looked like. He cares to know the skin color, how big the table was in the room of the interview, etc. The other night we went to a nice dinner and he got upset with me for giving advice to a woman from outside the area about where she might want to live if she moved to the city. He told me that I am beautiful and he loves me but that I am very boring and do not love him. When we got home, I started to cry and it turned into one of those uncontrollable sobs...he was drunk and came into the closet (where I was trying to collect myself) with his pants down and waved his genitalia in my face telling me "you're my whore, suck it bitch, suck it". I refused because I had felt so disrespected and wanted to go to sleep in order to escape the pain that my heart was feeling (I slept in the closet). When he walked back to our bed, he commented "fine, another whore will suck it tomorrow, don't worry". ...and he still gets upset when I tell him that I need emotionally security in a relationship to enjoy the sex and that the words he uses really kill me inside. His argument to my saying this, is that he always tells me that I am beautiful, that he wants to be with me, that he is the man and I need to listen to him and it does not matter what he says to me. I have explained that when he accuses me of being unfaithful, that it creates a synonymous (sp?) feeling of pain to the pain that I felt when a former boyfriend had cheated on me. His response to that is "I don't blame them for cheating on you, you're a whore". Less than an hour later he will apologize for saying XYZ and that he would never cheat on me and he's sorry for saying everything that makes him a "monster".I do not know why I can not leave this relationship. I do not have any friends who I can talk to about this - which is a clear sign that I need to leave. I should not be in a relationship that I am scared to tell my friends about how my boyfriend treats me. He gets upset if I make dinner plans after work with girlfriends from college who live in the same city. He will not go on business trips unless I am with him because he does not trust me to stay in the city without him. I should have mentioned that he has clearly stated that he will never trust me...and then two hours later look at me and say "you know that I trust you, but you need to respect me".Advice on why he is like this? Advice on how I can bring myself to stop loving him? I feel as though I am living in an inescapable hell. I can not think of a period longer than 48 hours in the past 3 months where I haven't been called a whore, where I haven't been told degrading things about my genitalia, where I haven't been told that I am imperfect for basically having a heartbeat and feelings. It is killing me inside. But I love him. :(
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best friend, cheated on me, confidence, drunk, facebook, fell in love, jealous, one night stand, period, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kelleeashton +, writes (21 October 2008):
 girl. you are so attatched to him because of all the abuse he has put you through. how much he has hurt you. i know you love and would do anything for him and anything to make it work. but he says that crap to you and calls you that stuff. you sleep in a closet? do me a favor ... google verbal abuse. seriously. and think about this. would you like your daughter to do in this situation? how would you like her to handle it? sometimes you need to put the way you feel aside and remember what you deserve.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): He is emotionally and verbally abusing you because he has a very low self esteem. Look back to where he was talking about your ex, and his size. He has a lack of confidence in himself. You need to get out! catch him gone and throw his stuff out, change the locks and contact the police. Stay with a friend or relative for a couple of days. I would also, change my phone number.
I my opinion he has cheated on you. Most usually, only the guilty will blame the innocent! This man obviously does not know how to treat a woman. You need to remind him that here in AMERICA we do things differently! Everyone is treated equally! You are not married to him, therefore, DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM! Pull your Bible out girl! You are not supposed to any way.
I think too that you don't really love him. I took a class in abusive relationships and women/men like you, in this kind of situation, think they do not deserve better. Their significant other tell them how low they are until they finally start to believe it. I bet you think you don't deserve any better? Well, think again, because you do!
Sleeping in a closet for a man is ludicrous. No man is worth that! NONE! I would say be mean back to him. Show him who is boss, but if I were you, I would not even waste my time on him. Leave him before you are too far into the relationship to get out. I wish you the best of luck, May God be with you!
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A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 the reason you can not leave is because you are being emotionally abused.
You need to get out now, for goodness sake you are sleeping in a closet! it is time for you to take stock of your life. If this man really loved you he would want you to smile and be happy, not complain that you have a large ..... which is no doubt total nonsense.
My darling go home, talk to some one, anyone.. reconnect with an old friend, you will find the strength you need to do this.... Please leave this awful situation I know you love him but it will fade. Once you are outside of the abuse cycle you will see he is nothing more than an evil horrid little man...
Please take care and leave this awful creature you will find someone so much better for you out there
XX
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A
male
reader, davey2008  +, writes (30 September 2008):
hi ya hun, now this comes from personal experiance. I was recentley in a relationship with a girl that i thought i was in love with. I was taking drugs on a regular basis and my thought patterns were not what they should have been. I was accusing her of cheating and calling her all the names that you have said your boyfriend calls you. as for the closet bit come outof the closet. I have changed my ways and although i still love the girl i lost it is only recentley that i have discovered myself for who i am. if this man cannot respect you as a person and not a sex object then the relationship is not worth keeping.
yours sincerely
davey
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