A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have this problem with people flaking on me. Especially, when it comes to their boyfriends/girlfriends wanting to meet them last minute. For instance, I arranged to meet up with my mate Sam, this is after a long speech where he made it clear how we don't hang out together anymore. On the day of the meet up, he calls me to postpone for another day because his girlfriend had booked him dinner at a restaurant. When I said perhaps he could bring her along or do both, he remained adamant that he would go with her because she was leaving for her home town the next day for a couple of weeks. This wouldn't be a problem, but it happens regularly with this friend, to the point, whereby, he regularly cancels/postpones. I find it really insulting, because it's essentially like being told "you're no the priority!" I get offended and personally pissed off because he doesn't seem to have a problem with messing people around as long as it suits his needs. I sent him a message cancelling meeting another day and saying perhaps we could arrange for a "couple of weeks", admittedly I was trying to get a point across that he's not the only one with a busy schedule and to make him realise how I felt. He responded sarcastically saying 'my my aren't you a busy boy' and I said "its hard to find time for people who constantly flake...especially those who don't consider or appreciate others limited time. i'm not the only one who thinks you dick people around". He told me, basically, that I was being petty and it was unneccassary to say this. Am I in the wrong? I'm just very fed up with people who live life very casually and give their word only to backtrack consistently. Not only that but I guess also a bit of jealousy that his girlfriend is prioritised everytime, and it shows little regard for his mates.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmarieclaire, I can see your point. however, I think prioritising isn't the same as cancelling on a whim, just because your partner whas booked dinner, or is it? I guess I have never thought this through thoroughly because it depends entirely on what kind of person you are and how serious the relationship is. I guess, for me, the truth is, when the relationship is in an advanced place i.e. very committed/married then ofcourse that comes first. it's hard to discuss because it depends on how much the friend invests in their relationships and how much in their friends. Some people rely on their friends for support, whereas other cannot function without being in a relationship. It's down to the individual.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I'm willing to put my foot in my mouth and say that I think the advent of facebook and other online networking sites are here to stay. People don't want to lose contact, or at least not permanently. I'd like to think that's one of the greatest devices my generation have developed. Who knows what the future holds, but I don't only think it's rebelling against predecessor generations. It's also very individual, everyone's different. Many people don't feel any need to hold on to their old friends and prefer a solitary life or merely to pick up friends as they go and let nature take it's course. However, I think the most stable people try their utmost to keep hold of their dearest friends and this is what keeps them sane. It's a bridge from the past that reminds you that who you are is always changing, and not in an intrusive way that potentially (but not always) ex-partners can be.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (10 August 2008):
 Cupidguy I think you're wrong too. I don't think your friends disappear when you grow up. Some of them stay around a very long time - I'm 58 and still have one friend from when I was 19 and she's in Australia now!!!! Was a good excuse to visit Oz! Personally I found when I married and settled down with kids my friends changed from the ones I had at work, who were more colleagues really, and I got real friends in similar situation to me. Since that time I've never been short of friends. They just seem to change with my circumstances and what I'm in to, but they are always there even if I don't see them too often always - my phone is red hot most of the time!!! For me friends are veeeery important. I value them greatly and try to be a good friend to them. We never know when we might need them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCupidguy, I think the last part of your answer is old-fashioned, not relevant to my generation and is exactly what makes people go crazy when their relationships which they invested everything in go pear-shaped. A strong social base, ideally, stays with you for most of your life, until inevitably mortality calls, its what picks you up when things are not going exactly as you want. Increasingly people aren't settling down with one person for life, and nor do they aspire to. I thought that kind of thinking went out in the 1970s.
Deema, I think you hit the nail on the head. It's hard watching my friends one-by-one go for the settling down thing, when I don't even feel certain about what path i will be taking. It just makes me feel neglected and upset, and I see my singleton friends all seem very happy in their situation. I don't seem to ever fall in love or experience it, it's always with a person who doesn't feel the same way back. Yet all my friends seems to fall in love with every girlfriend they are with.
Bluntaspoon, I guess it really pisses me off, cos I'm really fond of my friend and he means a lot to me (not in a gay way), so it kind of hurts when you see them taking their own path in life without me.
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A
female
reader, bluntasaspoon +, writes (10 August 2008):
 o.k. not being funny but are u seroius? ur mate has a girlfriend. get over it. if he keeps doing this to u then why do u speak to him at all?
right enough of the lecture here is what i suggest u do
be there when it all goes south. when he starts to do it again tell him to his face that women arnt everything and that u will always be there for him but could he please stop treating u like a friend with benefits.
hope this helps and sorry to be so blunt but hey thats me
bluntasaspoon x
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (10 August 2008):
It is a tough one this one cus I suspect very soon when you have a permanent girl friend you may find yourself with the same dilemma. Right now you can say you'd never do that to your mates, but trust me when the call of love strikes, its very hard to resist and I'd bet you right now you will do the same thing sometimes. We all do it. We don't mean to but we do. Its not a reflection of you at all, its just his life, and yes its natural to feel a little jealous when we don't have that special someone and everyone else seems to off having a good time, but thats not his fault, so don't turn your anger at your situation round on him cus he won't have a clue whats going on.
However, I have been on the receiving end of this kind of thing too, and it was when I was particularly lonely myself. Arrangements with my friends meant a great deal to me. I know what that feels like too. However, one day a friend, just like yours let me down once again, and I was particularly looking forward to that outing. I told her how much it hurt and she was so shocked, devastated even that our meeting meant so much to me. She was very busy, and had no idea how I felt. We talked it over and she promised to consider my feelings and try not to let me down so often in future.
I guess you ahve to weigh up how much he means to you as a friend, and whether he's worth keeping, warts and all, but also bear in mind that you are extra sensitive because you are feeling lonely. Try to do some things to alleviate that too, then maybe he won't be so important to you. Lots of luck.
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