A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found out that my husband looks up hardcore porn. His favourite sites are "rape porn" where women are shown to be attacked and brutally treated. I'm completely repulsed by this and feel sick to my stomach that anyone would be excited by this type of thing.He says he will stop but I found out that he is still going to these sites.Should I leave him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): A classic tactic. Get the last word in (at some length), then declare the debate closed. Very civilised. But yes, let's call a halt to this, it's a waste of your time and mine. I could refute several of your misrepresentation of my views in some detail (this thread is probably not the forum to do so even if either of us had the appetite for it), but I'll leave it here. You think I've 'backed down' - not so, far from it. But feel free to revel in what you clearly perceive as a 'victory'. You obviously like people to 'back down'.
Interesting.
G'night
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): Hartfullalove
In other words, what you are saying is that you have no idea what you are talking about and just posted some hogwash as fact to boost your opinion. Perhaps you should just say in the beginning that it was an opinion and not a fact.
As far as him holding back when hitting her, that is often what happens in action movies. It is not all fun and games for actors and actresses. For instance, in the movie Air Force One, where Harrison Ford plays the president of the US where the plane is hijacked. In one scene, the lead hijacker slaps Harrison Ford in the face. That scene had several takes and the hijacker didn't hold back when he slapped him to make it look realistic. When I watched the making of the movie documentary, one of the actors said that Harrison Ford's face was actually slightly bruised form the several takes. Actors and actresses go through a lot to make movies, including inadvertent injuries.
Admittedly, Harrison Ford was well paid for this movie, but a lot of times the fill-ins and the stunt people, men and women, get hurt or injured in the making of a movie. This is also the case in porn, but probably to a lesser extent than an action movie, as the action is much more intense and the acting and stunts more dangerous than in porn.
Now you have every right to hate this type of porn or any type of porn if you like and you have every right to think that the OP should leave her husband, but at least you could try to make your point without stating false or unsubstantiated facts to make your opinion sound more credible. If it can not stand on it's own then that is the way it is. I also have no interest in rape porn and checked it out yesterday for the purpose of this discussion. I have found it by accident at times, but have none of it and don't intend to have it. My wife and I both checked it out to understand what it looked like before I made my previous post. I like to have at least some idea of what I am talking about before I say it.
For me, this is the end of my discussion on this, so have a relaxing evening doing whatever you are doing. I hope you are enjoying whatever you are doing tonight. If you do happen to discover some credible psychological studies on what is the norm for women in porn, I would be happy to read them, as I also do not wish women or men to be taken advantage of or abused. The main type of porn that my wife and I like is amateur porn, which is more realistic than most porn. I also sometimes watch group porn also. If it is just the way acting is then they are aware of what they are doing. By the way, if all of the women are mental cases, then why is it that some of the women in porn actually are able to own their companies or own their web sites where they star? By the way, you seem to be backing down on what you said. First it was that all women in porn are mentally ill and all the other things you mentioned and now it is just the woman in rape porn. Interesting.
Good night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): troubledtoomuch,
Since 'zillions of studies' was obviously an exaggeration on my part, and I'm relaxing at home right now and don't feel like bothering my arse at this point in time hunting down and posting studies of the lives led by women who star in 'rape porn', I'll defer to your wisdom for the time being and assume that they're all happy, well-adjusted, untroubled, drug-free individuals whose 'work' doesn't subject them to any suffering whatsoever, even when they're being hit in the face (oh, I see, the guy was really 'holding back', i.e. not hitting her all THAT hard - what a kind, thoughtful, considerate lover and co-worker.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Your husband is not enjoying a rape fantasy, he is enjoying a control fantasy. It's common amongst people who have been abused in some way - in the fantasy you get to imagine yourself having the power you don't have in your everyday life. Does your husband have any history of abuse in his past? Does he have any conflicts going on right now - bad boss, crazy friends, etc?
Its time for a heart to heart talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Acting out a rape in front of a camera is not much different than than the role playing that couples do in bed, or whatever setting. Consenting couples use bondage, spankings and, yes, fake rape and enjoy their sex lives. How much difference is there between that and a video.
I did a search of rape sites after posting yesterday and found one rape video. The woman was struggling and the guy was raping her. There was no brutality like slapping or beating her in this video. I showed it to my wife and asked her what she thought of it and she said that it seemed like rough sex to her and we watched it for a while.
I found another site where the woman was supposedly brutalized, but it was easy to see that the guy slapping her was holding back just when he hit her to make it look like he was hurting her. I personally don't like that type of action at all, even if it is fake and neither does my wife.
You say that there are zillions of studies that show that women in porn are all drug addicts, were abused as children and are self harmers. Since you have obviously read all of these zillions of studies, could you please post links to just 4 or 5 of these studies. Oh, and I don't mean just discussions among people who have the same opinion as you, but real studies with references.
There are such things as child porn and real rape videos out there, but I doubt that any normal person who watches porn could find any of them. I have certainly never tried and I don't intend to do so for the sake of this discussion. I have heard enough news stories though of people being arrested for making, distributing and buying child porn to know that it is available. I have also heard of actual rape, brutality and even death movies being made in some 3rd world country and sold for thousands of dollars per movie. I don't know if this is true or not as I don't have any proof of this. These are not the types of videos available on the internet for free or for a $10 or $20 a month membership fee.
While I am not arguing that a fake brutal rape movie should not be cause for some concern, I also don't think that the majority of people who watch these movies have a real desire to do something like this. As I said in my first post, she needs to discuss it with him and get an honest answer as to why he watches it. I like some porn that my wife doesn't like and she has seen it and doesn't care if I watch. An example is guys with really big penises having sex with a woman. She doesn't like it because she imagines it is her getting screwed with that big thing and she cringes at that thought. She also doesn't like gang bang videos for the same reason. She likes watching 2 guys with one woman because she used to fantasize about that situation. Another woman who I used to date years ago also liked the 3some stuff.
While we are all entitled to our opinion, I think that when people post "facts" from "studies", I think they should be able to back up those claims with actual links to those scientific studies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): troubledtoomuch, I really hope you're right, and that 'rape porn' is an entirely consensual deal which involves no suffering at all, with paid actresses happily earning a few quid by doing a job no different from that of a James Bond villain being fictionally killed with the assistance of special effects and camera trickery. Have my doubts, though. The instant that I see any form of porn cross a clear (if blurry) line between that of willing participants having fun, and some very troubled soul being savagely brutalised, I switch the fuck off ASAP. Zillions of studies have demonstrated that the girls who star in hardcore porn, of which 'rape porn' can safely be considered a sub-section, are almost without exception mentally ill, or have been sexually abused as kids, or are self-harmers or heroin addicts - or most usually, all of the above. 'These videos are fake. They are no more real then the dozens of people that get killed in any action film.' Do you honestly think the fact that 'These women are adults who are acting' justifies anyone else watching and enjoying them in the horrendous situation they've landed in, subjecting themselves to their their 34th rape, in front of a camera, in order to make enough money to pay off their crack dealer and keep themselves anaesthesised against the horror of their existence? Where next? A few beers while enjoying slow-motion documentaries about starving African babies? - 'these people are children who are hungry?' 'Just a break from reality sex'? I'll take reality sex any day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): "Some girl suffered horrendously for his enjoyment. He gets sexually turned on by watching another human being put through horrific suffering."
Heartfullalove, think for a moment. These videos are fake. They are no more real then the dozens of people that get killed in any action film. Women and men have been tortured in James Bond movies. Do you also think that was real, like a documentary? It is not the same as child porn. These women are adults who are acting. A child in porn is being abused and cannot defend himself. I doubt that you could find actual child porn on the internet, at least not easily. I have never run across it, although I have certainly never looked for it either. However, I have run across fake rape porn many times without looking for it either. There is a fair amount of that out there.
I guess if I were a women then I might be bothered by my husband watching this kind of porn and want to talk to him about it. Why does he like it? Does he have some desire to do something like that? Very unlikely, but best to be sure.
Some women like to watch gang bang porn, but few of them would ever want to boink a dozen guys in one session. If a woman likes to watch that kind of porn should her husband automatically leave her because she wants to cheat on him with a dozen guys? NO!
Many people watch porn that is not in the mainstream. For some it is a break from reality sex. For a very few it is something that they would actually want to participate in, so it is always possible that he has some emotional problem that needs addressed. However, it is probably unlikely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Blackblackheart...
'There's nothing wrong with rape porn sites'...
Are you for real?
OP...yes, you should leave him, or at least have a major talk with him about how unacceptable this is. No matter how nice a guy he is in his everyday life, he's supporting the indefensible, and it doesn't reflect well on the activity that's going on inside his head.
Some girl suffered horrendously for his enjoyment. He gets sexually turned on by watching another human being put through horrific suffering. Not pretend suffering, not imagined suffering (though that would be disturbing enough) but a real person being raped before his eyes. No better than child porn, and I can't imagine too many people on this site would leap to his defence if it was child porn.
I am no prude when it comes to kinky, transgressive human sexuality or people's right to explore their boundaries and enjoy them to the max, and I enjoy several differing forms of porn, but a line needs to be drawn somewhere.
One of the posters says they're sure your man is not a bad person. You yourself presumably love him, and have no other evidence of wrongdoing on his part. But I seem to remember a quote from someone who knew the Yorkshire Ripper well as a young man:
'He was the nicest, sweetest, gentlest person you could ever hope to meet.'
Please be careful.
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A
female
reader, blackblackheart  +, writes (2 July 2009):
There's nothing wrong with going on rape porn sites, I do it, it's my favourite type of porn, and there's nothing wrong with me.
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A
female
reader, im-the-one-to-ask  +, writes (2 July 2009):
you should leave him for good
no man is trustworthy if he looks at "rape porn" that is offensive to ALL women! either he quits the second you tell hi or you should leave his sorry a**!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): Has his behaviour towards you changed, is he violent or abusive? If so, you should leave. If not, well, that's more tricky. I can appreciate how your attitude towards him must have changed. His taste in porn has given you a chance to see what is going on inside his head, and it's clearly not a pretty sight. Even if he never looked at that sort of porn again, you would still know that he wanted to, and a desire to see women raped, abused and humilated is certainly very worrying. I enjoy porn, but certainly not rape porn, and I don't think many other men do, so this isn't one of those "all men do it - live with it" situations. I can't really advise you on whether to leave or not, but I do wish you well.
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A
male
reader, MMMaM +, writes (20 June 2009):
I can almost assure you that he doesn't want to recreate any of that with you. It sounds like he might be having some issues with his role in your relationship. Or it could even be his role with someone else (children, work, friends, etc.). Something is making him feel like less of a man, so he has taken interest in an extreme version of seeing someone "take charge". I dont think it's necessarily harmful. Just do what you can to help him understand that you respect him and look up to him (through actions, not just words) and if you see something else challenge his manhood or his dominance over any situation, make a mental note of his reaction. I'm sure he's not a bad guy. However, if he shows any signs of aggression towards you, then it's time to start being concerned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): This is a tough one and I'm not really sure what you should do to be honest. As the person says below if everything else in your marriage is good then perhaps it isn't worth breaking up over. This isn't 'normal' porn though, these are graphic scenes of violence and rape... that is extremely worrying that he finds it a turn on!!! I think he needs help! Good luck :-) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): I have seen the kind of porn you are talking about. I was young at the time, and was unfortunately made to witness it. I thought it was horrible, absolutely awful. It really affected me.
Apart from this one thing, is your marriage generally okay? If so, then it depends on how much this affects you. Do you think it is something you could just accept?
If not, then I think you will need to talk to him about this, ask him why he likes that kind of thing, and tell him how much it bothers you.
I think it really falls down to whether or not you can tolerate this, if he won't stop. I personally don't think I could. But maybe if you talk to him about this again, something will get sorted out between you.
Good luck. x
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A
female
reader, athenas +, writes (20 June 2009):
Hey there!!! I know how you feel about your guy watching porn but every guy well almost every guy has that in them I mean its like a fantasy for them but not something they would like to do. I dont think you should leave your husband over this i thimk its better if you talk with him about how ur feeling or hey why not watch it with him? You know in a marriage there comes a point where you have to be the biggest whore (with all the respect) with him. Like where things he likes play as a stripper or cop that way he knows that he has a wife who is doing everything to sattisfy him and he wont go looking for it outside. Well Good Luck!!!
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