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age
41-50,
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writes: My husband has shared his fantasies with me. He'd love to see me with another woman (I'm straight), he'd love us to be in a threesome with another woman, and a couple of other things. He wants to know my fantasies, but I just can't bring myself to tell him that my only real fantasy is to have sex with his brother, whom I find very attractive. I have a few questions regarding this situation:1. Since he's admitted to fantasizing about other women (though no one in real life), would it be okay for me to finally share my (6 year old) fantasy?2. Why are Americans expected to get married, then never feel any sexual attraction for anyone else ever again? Decades of marriage is a long time. I read a lot of anthropology and in one of my books there was a chapter dedicated to a forest-dwelling tribe (near Brazil, I think), where there is no offical marriage, everyone has sex with everyone who is not a close blood relative, and they've had a peaceful society for hundreds of years. So the Western way of one man-one woman is not a worldwide ideal, it's just the common way here. I appreciate honest answers, but I do ask that you be adult in your answers and not insultive. I am a stranger to you. What I feel and what I have done does not directly concern or affect you. Please mind your objectivity. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! It will hurt him. telling u he wants a threesome is quite different from telling him u r atracted to his brother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): I just want to say; the "uncles" and "aunts" on this site are not IGNORANT; they are wide awake, offering there time to assist people with good advise to the best of there abilities; PLEASE do respect and appreciate that;
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 Same answer as last time you posted
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Don't don't don't tell him, you will hurt him so deeply he will never get over it.
If you want him to understand how you feel about being hounded about this, turn the tables fairly.......tell him you love the idea of being a man sandwich, to have your entire body cover by skin, go into detail so he knows you have thought about it, how exciting the idea is of having two mouths on you...to have your breasts suckled at the same time as someone is going down on you...it's not a bad fantasy at all :-). If he is unwilling to indulge you in this it is because he is uncomfortable being naked with someone of the same sex (just like you) and that he is intimidated with the idea that you might find the other man more desirable than him, or think his penis is bigger....same ideas you might have. Making a 'one up' move is damaging.
For some reason (perhaps porn has something to do with this), men don't think asking their women to participate in a threesome is soooo bad, they are given messages all of their lives that we women want this, but we just don't realize it...arrgghhh. He is not trying to be mean to you, or hurt you. You on the other hand are being mean and trying to hurt him. Please reconsider for the sake of your marriage.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 I guess it doesn't matter anyway because 99% sure she is yanking our chains.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Glad I wasn't the only one to notice it Eyes!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 July 2008):
There's another question posted today about sex with a brother-in-law. Coincidence....hummmmm?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Where's this tribe... Nice one, Uncle Phil!
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (2 July 2008):
I think that would be an incredibly effective way to make him stop asking for a threesome! Nice one!
I would NOT tell him that you fantasize about his brother. If it does fit into a conversation, you can bring up that you find him attractive, but don't disclose that you have had fantasies about him. You don't want to be responsible for coming between two brothers or for him resenting his brother for something that his brother didn't even do!!! I think that he's already a pretty smart guy if he told you that he doesn't fantasize about anyone specifically, because you would (you know you would) hate the object of his fantasy if he named her!
As far as #2 goes, don't think that there aren't smoldering resentments and jealousies in that tribe either, or scars from fights or bodies buried in the forest! Chances are pretty good that there are plenty - if sex is involved. Marriage did come about as a means for men to claim their progeny and make sure that all of the children were theirs (good luck with that one). I think that if you read this column for long enough, you will see that marriage doesn't make you deaf, dumb and blind to others that you find attractive.
Having been in a 35 year relationship, I know for a fact that neither my husband or myself believe in "soul mates" or that there is just "one person" out there for you. I didn't need anyone else to complete me either, I was a complete and whole person before I met my husband, and so was he! Marriage is a choice. You are bound to bump into other people that you are attracted to over 75 years of living.
If you do think that every attraction is true love and chase after it, well, chances are that you will find it impossible to be faithful to one person, because you'll only be faithful to him until something new turns your head, in my opinion. It's not that married people aren't attracted to others, they make a choice to be faithful. I'm sure that you have plenty of friends that will proclaim that if it's true love you will never be attracted to anyone else, and that you've read it and seen the idea in plenty of sources - but that is the myth that leads to people chasing after every urge that happens to them. It's just a myth, and simply not true. A lot people, especially married women, love to repeat the myth that "My husband is the only man that attracts me, I have never looked at another man since I got married". I'm here to tell you that that simply isn't true. It's a lovely, romantic notion, but it simply is not true. You will bump into other men who you find attractive even after you are married to the man of your dreams, and I did marry the man of my dreams! Yay Me!
Marriage is a choice and a promise that you make to yourself and the person that you choose to marry. If you are lucky, and the God's smile on you, then it's a promise that you can keep for a lifetime. Hope that my opinions where of some help in answering your questions. :-)
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male
reader, Swanson +, writes (2 July 2008):
Don't tell him that. Those two fantasies aren't exactly equal in scope. He's telling you a more conceptual, abstract fantasy - he would like to see you with some random woman...the fantasy doesn't really revolve around any specific other woman in particular, it instead revolves around you in a new sexual context.Your fantasy, however, even if it wasn't his brother (I won't touch on the weirdness of that) and was just a mutual acquaintance, involves a very real person that you both know and come into contact with. That is very understandably going to be threatening to him as it is a fantasy that revolves around your attraction to one specific person that ain't him!basically, him saying "I'd like to see you do something crazy with a woman" is NOT the same thing as you saying "I've been hot for your brother for six years." An abstract fantasy is very different and MUCH MORE temporary than a six-year persistent fantasy. there's nothing wrong with sharing a fantasy back with him, but make sure that it is also an abstract fantasy, and that it involves him in some capacity, even if it's just watching! that will be much less threatening.
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reader, mustaine6 +, writes (2 July 2008):
DON'T TELL HIM!It will crush him, he will hate himself and feel inadaquate to his brother. To be honest I think you shouldnt have got married if you fancied his brother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Maybe you should run by him the suggestion that you'd like a threesome with another man first. Chances are if he's as straight as a die he'll back away from that, but if he's up for it, tell him that you'd prefer someone you know, like his brother for instance.
The main thing is that neither of you act out any fantasy that repulses the other, and that everyone involved is totally happy with whatever activity is planned.
I have to say though, threesomes invariably end up opening a really huge can of worms.
As for the tribal thing - I've not read the book, but if you were brought up to behave that way from childhood then it probably wouldn't seem at all strange. I suppose there's a certain amount of attraction to have, say, 30 or so potential bedmates to choose from without any commitment whatsoever! I bet there's something of a lottery trying to work out who your father is though. I dare say the good looking ones get the most attention though and are fully booked up for the next three months. Where's this tribe exactly?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): 1. Tell him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. He's got no right to be upset about it in light of the fact he wants to share your body with others. 2. I don't think anybody expects a married person to "never feel any sexual attraction for anyone else ever again." What is and should be expected is that you shouldn't act on that attraction if you've made a commitment to one person by marrying them. If you want to have multiple parters, that's just fine and dandy. But if that's the case, don't get married - simple as that.
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