A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles, I 'was' dating this guy for a little over two years. We have both met each other's families and all was well until last December when his family started asking him to get married. Now the problem is I am in my early 20s and he is in his late 20s, with a difference of 7 years between us. We are both not financially stable. I have a job, but not a great income and i have already spent most of my savings on medical expenses last year. He does not have a steady job. His job is on project basis and he hasn't done a project in a few months now! His family have saved up for his wedding, mine have not. He was very persistent that we go through with this. I had an initial talk with my parents. They said I should wait for a year or two, settle down, both of us, and then carry on with these plans. This didn't go down well with the guy. We started having horrible fights practically every night! Let me tell you that we didn't usually fight so much and if we did it would end in a day. These fights just went on and on. A little gist - He fought with me about me not being able to convince my parents about marriage, asking for more time, about saying the wrong things, misunderstanding him, always screwing up and then apologizing over and over again, etc. It got to a point that whenever we had these fights, I would cry, he'd break up, I'd apologize and go back begging for him to take me back. I started feeling disinterested...We'd fight, I'd listen to him yelling and I would still go back. But it felt like i wasn't feeling anything at all, like I used to. It's been so confusing that I can't even put it to words! :( Anyway, around a week ago, we had another huge fight. This time it got too far when he told me I should tell my parents to 'grow up'! I immediately left saying I needed to be by myself. We didn't speak for three days! The first time in two years that we hadn't spoken for this long. He ended up texting me saying that it was okay to postpone talks about marriage, but he didn't want to lose me. He wanted to know if I wanted the same. By this point I had been feeling lost and completely emotionless. This time, I texted back saying I wanted to completely end the relationship. This was the first time I had the courage to do this. He immediately called, crying over the phone saying that he didn't want to lose me over and over again. We had a very long conversation that night, me trying to stick to my decision, him trying to convince me to stay, both of us in tears. Bottom line: I wasn't strong enough to stick to my decision, I took him back. He has been extremely sweet to me over the past week. I know this is going to wear out over time. He has become so emotional. He is extremely scared to lose me from his life, mainly because he thinks its too late for him to start over and secondly because I've always been there to support him emotionally and financially in times of need. I've been regretting this decision everyday. In my head, I had made up my mind to end things but wasn't able to stick to it. I really want to end things and not drag it on. I know we're going to have these fights again. He's being overly emotional and this is scaring me. He keeps crying. I am not able to get myself to end things with him. I don't feel anything on the other hand. Even worse, my parents got to know through some relatives of his that we had ended things and now they don't want me going back to him. Little do they know that I already went back and now I'm stuck in my own mess! My family was very against the idea of me marrying him because they believed that he would always be dependent on me and because he didn't have a steady job yet at his age! I know i shouldn't drag this on. It's getting on my nerves. But i don't know what to do anymore. I need all the help and shaking up i can get. I need to get out of this for my own peace. It's been emotionally draining me. Sorry for the lack of clarity and length of this post. I tried my best to put it all down as clearly as I could. I only hope someone can tell me what to say or do! I'm so lost!!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 March 2017):
 Honestly in my opinion a relationship should be both ways. Financially also included in that. He is being emotional now to try and guilt you in to staying. Honestly don't fall for that, you know in your heart the relationship is dead. If you feel to weak then pack up and move back to your parents and tell them you need their support.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 February 2017):
Love and trust are very important things to a good relationship. A sense of purpose and financial stability are needed for a marriage. Marriage should never the focus, but rather sharing a similar life plan.
Unfortunately, we all have a hard time expressing ourselves. I feel that you never upright told him about your concerns, which were the same as your parent's. You should have explained to him why you did not want to get married. You did not want to end up with him being financially dependent on you, and thus he should be looking for betterment in his career. His decision to be married should come from his own heart and not from his parent's wishes. I think by taking him back, you've reassured him that he's allowed to not pursue betterment, that he can cry and wale to get his own way. I'm not saying he is doing that intentionally, but he's doing what has probably worked his entire life.
He should have been man enough to see his own life in his hands. He is in his late twenties and doesn't have this sort of foresight? Well I suppose this is what separate the boys from the men. Men can handle their business. If he could have at least admitted that he is under pressure then maybe the two of you could talk about the situation before it reached this point.
You both are not ready for marriage. My own advice is just to come clean. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to others, it wont do anyone favors. Don't worry about your family, if the found out one way, they will find out another way, they will be fine, I'm sure they can get over it. If you are worried about you boyfriend, you have every right to be, but don't be with someone out of sorrow/pity.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 I may be in the minority but my take on this is; Your parents are probably more right than his family whereas his job is a bit "shakey" You have demonstrated that you can be self-sufficient. With the societal norm being that the man should support the family in many cultures, it is only natural that your parents are concerned that you might have to end up supporting the family. If I were them I would be fearfull too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 First off, don't worry about your family. While they might seem to want to tell you what to do, they REALLY are doing it out of love.
They know he isn't a good match for you, they know he doesn't make you happy and that he doesn't pull his weight.
Your relationship is dead. Stone dead. All the both of you are doing right now is dragging it out. Him because he knows find another girl/woman like you is unlikely. And you because you don't WANT to be the "bad guy" and end it.
But ending a relationship doesn't MAKE you a "bad guy". It makes you a realist. Whatever feelings you had for him you no longer have. You are in your early 20's and have hopes and dreams you need to focus on. NOT carry the financial and emotional burden of a man-child 7 years older than you, who REFUSES to grow up and pull his weight. What kind of man is OK with his GF pulling the entire load of the relationship? I mean seriously, OP what DO you get out of this?
I agree with the ladies, YOU know you are DONE with this - so END it. ONCE and for all. And once you end it BLOCK him from contacting you. Change number if you have to.
And then MAKE you the focus of YOUR life. NOT "taking care" of a grown ass man!
It's never easy to end a relationship, it hurt. And afterward it hurts too, for a while. But once you start to see WHERE you can go from there, and you no longer HAVE to stay afloat and keep HIM afloat things WILL become easier.
Don't think marriage would change anything about him.
You have a family to support you during and after the breakup, let them.
You CAN do it.
You BOTH deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you for the "right" reasons, not out of fear (him) nor pity (you).
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 Tell him he will do fine and it is not too late for him to find someone else to marry.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 February 2017):
Never even think about marriage until you are 25. Listen to your family. You know marriage is not right for you now. Don't let him sweet talk you into it and for heavens sake don't listen to his family.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 " I have always been there to support him emotionally and FINANCIALLY in his times of need ".
Ouch,ouch. Pardon cynical me, but I believe this is an obvious explanation, maybe not of why HE wants to marry you ( hopeful he also has feelings for you ) but surely of why his family is such in a hurry to fob him off to you in marriage.
Late twenties, no job, no fixed income. "Projects "with months and moths between one and the next.
Plus, the way you describe him, emotionally needy. Insecure_. A bit of a crybaby. A bit of a drifter, a bit of a loser.
A bit of a lot of things which tend to generate numerous and recurrent " times of need " emotionally and FINANCIALLY. His family is worried that they will have to intervene and help out in his future, and probable, times of need, and can't wait to see him married- at least he will become his wife's problem, then . That's even worth investing some cash right now for the expenses of the wedding- but then at least , he will be out of their hair and unloaded to you.
Be smart, OP. That's a bum deal, do not accept it. Not only you are not in love with him anymore, and have found out that you can be very incompatible, at least about certain things, and fight like cat and dog- which is per se a very good reason to not get hitched. But , if you take him, you will become his mommy / nanny / personal assistent / loan officer more than his wife. He cries now- but if you do not manage to get rid of him , YOU will cry even more in future.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (27 February 2017):
 Right. There you have it. He primarily needs you for 3 things and you've said it yourself.
1. He thinks it's too late to start over. Translation- I'm too big a loser and I know that never in this lifetime again will I get a girl like you so there is absolutely no way in hell that I can let you go. No one like you will ever be foolish enough to fall for me. So please don't leave me, you're my jackpot.
2. Emotional security because he's an idiot...A grown man with no confidence whatsoever, who's weak, spineless and extremely immature. Who else would fight, cry, issue ultimatums, then beg, cry again and overall behave worse than a child?
3. Financial security- this one's a no-brainer! No steady job for him and you provide for him and take care of him.
Basically there's nothing for you and everything for him in this relationship. He also knows that your family can see through him and that is why he's trying to turn you against them. He knows they're right and he knows it's only a matter of time before you see it too. That's why he's so keen to get married so that once you're legally bound to him, it'll be very difficult to get out.
OP I have seen people like your boyfriend and take it from me, this guy will not leave you without a fight. I don't want to scare you but it's something you have to accept and you have to be really strong when you decide to finally end this once and for all.
You are the goose that lays the golden eggs for this guy. You're the feather in his cap, you're his ATM, his mom and the only thing in his life which he can be proud of. Not only is this guy a big loser, he's whiny and pathetic as well and he not going to change. Of course his family wants you to marry him, they know he could never get someone like you ever and they know where they stand, where he stands and where you and your family stands. There is no comparison between you and him.
OP you need to dump him and dump him NOW. Just break it to him that you're done and there's no going back. Block his number, change your number if necessary, don't give on to ANY threats, blackmailing, tears or requests for "one last meeting for closure". There is no such thing. You don't owe this guy a single thing. Ok? Nothing at all, not even an explanation. Tell your family the truth, tell them that you couldn't get out of it because he wouldn't allow you to and it were scared. Trust me, they will stand by you.
You will need every ounce of support that you can get from family and friends because the next few days will be difficult. This guy is a parasite and will do everything possible to not let you slip away. Do not hesitate to inform the police if things get out of hand. As I said, you don't owe him anything at all.
Be brave, be strong, take your stand and do not waver. He can't do anything other than cry, emotionally manipulate you and maybe blackmail you into staying with him. He's a coward and you can expect no better from him.
Have no contact with him in any way. Do not respond, no matter what he says or how much he tries to instigate you.
Be strong. This too shall pass.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 Bottom line is it takes two committed people to make a relationship work. YOU want OUT of this relationship so it is not going to work, regardless of how much HE wants it.
Predictably, while you were running after him and begging him to take you back, he was treating you badly. As soon as you grew stronger and tried to finish with him, he suddenly decided he couldn't live without you. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Of course it isn't.
Marrying someone because you are "too old to start over" is NOT a good reason. And he is certainly not too old to start over at his age so don't feel guilty that YOU are not ready and you don't want this.
It sounds like his parents have his life mapped out for him. They have saved up the money for his wedding and want him to be married and he seems to want the same.
The important thing here is that you do NOT want this. If you don't break free soon, next thing you will find yourself being carried along in the wedding planning frenzy and, before you know it, you will find yourself marrying a man you don't want to marry. The longer you leave this, the harder it will be. Of course it is not going to be EASY, but you must be strong and do what you know is right.
Be gentle but firm with your boyfriend when breaking up. Don't give him hope for a future reconciliation if you don't see that happening. You already know he will beg and cry and try to convince you not to break up with him. Keep in the back of your mind that you will just be prolonging the hurt if you don't stick to your decision. Then cut all contact so that he cannot convince you to take him back again.
Good luck. It won't be easy but you know what you have to do.
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