A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few weeks ago I noticed my boyfriend had sent a friend request to a young lady. When I went to her page her pics were mostly of her in sexy lingerie and telling all to visit her on webcam. I also noticed she had obvious breast implants and a body type that looked somewhat like a man (large hands and feet, flat hips, pretty but somewhat male-like features). I asked him about this and he said she was a hostess at a recent event he had attended for work. He then took back his friend request.A week later he was following on facebook a woman in a bikini with no head shot. When I clicked on the pic and went to her page I was shocked. This woman was obviously transgender. Again, breast implants, straight hips, large hands and feet, skinny but unusually muscular arms and broad shoulders. Even with all the makeup and long hair her features were male like. I don't make a habit of checking his facebook page too often and haven't mentioned this one to my boyfriend yet. I've heard some straight men are attracted to transgender women, but I believe this will be a deal breaker for me. I would appreciate any insight the aunts and uncles could give to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): I am truly sorry for your loss. I am glad you faced it, and set him free. You also protected your heart, which is very important.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 March 2017):
 Well it is good to hear that you made the right choice it seems for both off you. I hope you have a happy future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for asking. Yes I did and it was easier than I thought it would be. There was no yelling nor were there any recriminations or accusations. It was as if a light switch inside me had been flipped to off. I walked away with a bit of sadness in my heart but I know it was for the best. I think he felt the same way.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (8 March 2017):
So did you end it?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 March 2017):
 For what it's worth, you don't have to be gay or bisexual to be attracted to transgender people of the opposite gender to you.
Men can be attracted to masculine women, trans or cis, without being gay or bi - the person they are attracted to is female, whether their body matches it well or not.
Your issue is that he looks up women in lingerie and that's the bottom line.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): You have to be calm and direct. Flinging wild accusations and throwing a fit of rage changes nothing; and you wouldn't have known if you didn't go snooping.
Inform him that you have once again found images of a transgender-woman; and insist that he be honest. Remind him him that he was not honest about the first time this matter came-up, and it's again an issue. Be as direct with him as you are in your post. It is a deal-breaker for you. You have every right to stand by that. You do not deserve love under false-pretenses. Everyone has quirks or imperfections; but some are not acceptable in a relationship. Some are, as you say, deal-breakers.
I am gay. I despise situations in-which the mate or spouse is deceived about their partner's true nature and sexual-orientation. He (or she) is living a double-life. Your mate wants to love you as your are, and for whom they believe you are. The truth should be known from the onset. If you do things in secret to avoid their disapproval, or loss of your trusting-partner, you have betrayed them. You are living a big fat lie!
Before any commitment is made, a man or woman should disclose if you are bisexual; or have any inking that you may have another sexual-preference. Then you offer your prospective partner a choice. To manipulate them to believe you are someone you are not, is nothing more than deception in order to get what you want.
No! These sexual-curiosities for same-sex attributes don't suddenly come over you. It is either there, or it isn't. NO! It is not a choice. It is part of your nature, and sometimes it may be hidden so deep; it may be years before you discover it. Some gay people or bisexuals are late-bloomers. They are able to suppress their attraction for the same-sex for all sorts of reasons. Until it overwhelms them.
An attraction to a transgender-woman by a so-called straight-man (who knows she is transgender) is for the fact she is transgender; and also retains some traces of her former maleness, or still has a penis. That does not include transgender-females who show no visible signs they were ever male. Then the attraction is strictly because she is fully accepted as a female. She is feminine in every aspect, and therefore that is her sexual-appeal.
Curiosity and fascination are not the same thing as desire or attraction. That is purely intellectual. We look at oddities, investigate puzzling situations, and research interesting things; because our human nature drives us to seek the unknown, and to search for knowledge and answers.
If you go as far as looking for partially-clad or nude photographs of people in sexy poses; it is an attraction. It is for the sake of sexual-arousal. You are satisfying more than just your curiosity. Men do not purchase porn-magazines for the intellectually-stimulating articles. They do not go online looking at busty women or transgender-females in lingerie or bikinis for artistic appreciation. There is much more to it than that.
If you are a person uncertain or conflicted about your sexual-orientation, you should not enter into a committed relationship with either gender. Not before you have explored and dealt with those conflicting feelings in your sexual-identity that may cause infidelity in the middle of a real relationship. You know right from the start that it isn't going to work. Knowingly hiding your true desires, or using someone to avoid detection is cruel and selfish.
Unless you live in a society which will publicly-ostracize you, or practices execution of gay people. Hide, you have no choice!
It may be nothing more than an over-grown curiosity that will never be pursued. The problem in your case is he is being secretive, and lying about it. Which means he will no doubt attempt to satisfy his curiosities or fantasies behind your back, and live in denial. All the while betraying your trust. You believe him to be heterosexual, and attracted only to genetic-females. He has not declared otherwise.
There is no beating around the bush about this. You do not have to show any flexibility with his going online to check-out transgender-females or other born-females; because his commitment was made to you. If there is no trust in a relationship; there is no relationship.
Even if a a person identifies as bisexual, you have to be faithful and exclusive to the one with whom you have formed your loving commitment. You don't go searching after sexual-gratification from other sources knowing it will upset your mate and destroy the trust between you. Then get caught and lie about it! Even if it is nothing more the entertainment through the use of porn, if your mate or spouse doesn't want it in your relationship; they (or you) don't have to tolerate it. So you're justified in ending the relationship based on your values and moral-standards.
You want your man to be attracted to you for who you are, being a genetic-female. With attraction to no other sexual-variations or fetishes that you are unaware of. As I want my boyfriend to be only attracted to me, as a man. With no other variations, declared or undeclared.
You do not lower your standards, let go of your system of values; or hope to change him. If it is something he is truly attracted to; he will only become more clever about hiding it from you. He is sending out friend requests, in order to make connections. Maybe he also has an underlying sexual-identity crisis of his own.
You'll always be suspicious, because you are prone to snooping. That means you really never trusted him to begin with. With what you now know, you never will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the great answers. Since he has never befriended bikini clad or sexy lingerie women before, I think that when he did it was two transgender women put a shock into me. The deal breaker does amount to initiating social interaction with other women, but especially transgender women. I have nothing against the transgender community and I know straight men can be attracted to them, but in all honesty, there is a certain "ick" factor for me. I will be ending this relationship when I meet with him tonight.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 February 2017):
Being attracted to women, transgender or otherwise, isn't the issue. Him searching for women who use their Facebook for sexual things is the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): What is more of a concern, that he's sending friend requests to unknown sex oriented profiles or that they are transgender? I think it's more of a fantasy than attraction and I also think he's one of those men who go beyond watching porn to fulfill fantasies and interact with people online realtime, which IMO amounts to cheating. An abnormal fantasy is unhealthy when it goes beyond porn. One does not have to be gay/lesbian to watch gay/lesbian porn. One does not have to be attracted to transgenders to watch transgender porn. One does not have to be attracted to cartoon characters to watch cartoon porn. Same as- you don't watch a horror movie because you want a ghost in your house, you don't watch a leader's documentary because you want to be a politician. Human beings watch things because it evokes their curiosity or gets them excited watching others. Some others have an unhealthy attitude towards fantasies, they are obsessed to the point where they want to experience these activities in reality. I'm guessing your bf is one of them. But really, the crux of the issue is that he's bordering on cheating, regardless of what or who he's attracted to and that's what ought to be bothering you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 "Oh my word!" as they say down south when a complicated situation like this comes up. If it were me I'd run for the hills. He seems to be confused.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 February 2017):
Why is this a dealbreaker for you? Because he is messaging other women or because the women may be transgendered? If it's the former I can understand if it's the latter I don't understand. Washington University in St Louis is on e of the best Unis in the country. They recently completed a long term study on transgendered women and the men who are attracted to them it is very enlightening, you should look it up. But I'll give you the take away; men who are attracted to trans women are straight they just happen to be attracted to a wider variety of women. If this is a deal breaker for you break up with the guy sooner rather than later so he can get on with his life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2017):
 I think regardless of it may or may not be a transgender person, he is "befriending" women who OBVIOUSLY uses Facebook for other reasons than to make "friends". And your BF certainly isn't looking to make a new friend either.
He is on that person's Facebook page to ogle and maybe initiate some kind of contact, which no doubt isn't totally appropriate.
If this is a deal breaker - you have to decide how many times you are willing to put up with this, IF at all. Or if this is starting to be a pattern.
I think I would bring it up (not that the person in question may be transgender because that is irrelevant) but that he AGAIN a friend requesting strangers on Facebook who are basically advertising themselves. And I would bring up that you find it a deal breaker for him to do this. And for yourself to do the same.
And I call bullshit on the "she was a hostess at some event"...
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 February 2017):
 Yikes! First thinks first. I think it would be a fair assumption that most people have a good looky loo lar on peoples profile before sending a friend request. My point, if you could see more than your fair share of sexy pic's then so do he so to be sending friend request is alarm bell no one. The whole invite to visit her webcam sounds more like an invite to some sort of sexual pay per view kind of set up. If this is the case, regardless of gender, it's cheating to a certain degree. I have to agree, it would be a turn off knowing this was a fancy of my partner regardless if it was fantasy or not. I guess the thing to do would be to ask him in a non threatening way which side of the fence he sits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2017): "I believe this will be a deal breaker for me"You should not be ashamed that this is a dealbreaker for you. There are many good reasons why you feel that it is, and one of those things is that he has not been completely honest with his sexuality, and maybe he is still figuring it out. Not really a good time or place for a girlfriend to be in his life. And if he has a fetish for trans women, that obviously increases the chances that he will follow his desires sometime down the road and want to experience sex with a trans woman. Which will not be you. So you are also right to fear the cheating that might occur down the road. If this is a big deal to him, don't look the other way, rather accept this is what he might want to pursue. Especially if he is already sending friend requests out, looking for contact.Personally if a boyfriend followed bikini clad women OR men OR trans people in general on facebook that would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't really think it is appropriate or respectful to advertise to the world that you are ogling others when you have someone.
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