A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello and thanksSo my man has been confusing me a lot. We visit each other 3 times per year we in a LDR for approximately 3 years. I love him but I see many different shades to him. He’s impatient, demanding and has a temper. He also expects things which I’m not fond of at all. For example I bought my son a new cell and he said he would like my sons old cell for his brother. I told him my son is keeping his old cell. He got mad and I asked him if he had told his brother he was giving him the cell , he said yes! I was taken back. Kind of in shock. Then his reasoning was oh remember last time you came to visit and your debit card was frozen ? I figured you can pay him back for the money we used. He expects me to pay for me, myself and his friend that lives with him. I’m not a bank. I explained to him that I paid his brother for my share and it’s not up to me to pay for him and his friend. There are other money issues as well. He spends frivolously. Then asks for money. Doesn’t think about tomorrow , he lives for today only. This disturbs me. It’s irresponsible. So yes I have given him money I no longer do. He still asks and expects things though. This is leaving me more confused lately and now with him expecting my sons cell to give to his brother made me mad. It’s not my cell phone to give and he shouldn’t expect it Any advice please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2019): Hi and thanks for your advice!
To Cindy Cares, I'm a new poster even if I wasn't this is an advice column. Their are many long distance relationships that happen.
I appreciate the advice!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2019):
 I do hope you are a new poster and not the repeat poster with the same problem. A lady who changes her details a little ( country, age, status … ) but basically complains repeatedly about your same issues : a man who is a terrible scrounger, always asks money and gifts from her, and on top of that, he's irritable, impatient and temperamental. We all told her so many times, - you are being exploited, it's plain as daylight to everybody, let him go and move on. She won't listen and will keep putting up with his demands, whims and temper tantrums,... and writing to Dear Cupid " I am confused ; I am perplexed ; what should I do ". Sigh. Certain posters- gotta love them.
Supposing you are a new poster- please be smarter than your
" colleague ". Sure , your bf shoud not have certain expectations, - but he HAS them, and you know why ? because you made that possible. Because he asked things and money from you, whether this was necessary, appropriate , respectful or not- and because you did give in a few times.
You say that's in the past- good for you, - it has not registered with him yet, I am pretty sure that he feels he can make you cave in through intimidations, pressures, emotional blackmail , temper etc. Stand your ground, dig your heels in, hold the purse strings closed , and eventually he 'll get it . It's not enough for you to tell " I am not a bank ": you have to show him.
There's not much to be confused about- people treat us the way WE teach them to treat us. Obviously so far you have not been very assertive in stating your boundaries and making sure they are not crossed. Basically so far he got from you all he wanted, and , in order to be able to keep him, you have accepted to let him dole out a lot of crap to you.
If now you the rules have changed, I guess it would take some time and a lot of consistency on your side for him to understand that you mean business .
Now, the real question , though, would be : supposing you can teach him to behave and to respect you and to stop pestering you for freebies- I guess maybe you could , but ... isn't it a lot of work and trouble, and for what ? A spoiled , selfish, irresponsible Peter Pan , who costs you money and peace of mind ? Would not be a better idea to use your available financial and emotional resources for securing your son's happiness and prosperity- rather than those of a semi-stranger whom you see once in a blue moon ?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (17 October 2019):
Any advice? What the hell are you doing with this guy?
Long-distance relationships are hard. Communication, kindness, generosity, trust and understanding are key to any relationship, but even more when you can’t see each other and enjoy being together much. It’s a huge thing to take on, and I’m wondering what you are getting from this. You’ve got a man you hardly ever see, who expects you to be his bank and brings nothing but drama and hostility to your relationship. If you really want advice, it’s get out of this now!
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 October 2019):
 Any advice? Absolutely. Look in a mirror and ask yourself why you think this is all you are worth. Then ask yourself what you get out of this relationship and why you profess to love someone who treats you so badly.
I'm glad you have stopped giving him money. That was sensible. Now be even more sensible and cut all contact with him. Let him find someone else to support him, his son and his friends. YOU can do better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 October 2019):
 It sounds like the ONLY reason you are still together is because you don't spend THAT much time together (in person). When you DO spend time together (in person) you see little red flag behaviors you might not know about even after years of dating.
However, WHAT you see in person is the TIP of the iceberg. It's NOT that hard to be "nice" over phone and text - it's NOT that hard to hide "less attractive traits" over text and phone.
He is NOT entitled to your son's old phone. Nor is his brother. I mean WTH? Now he could have ASKED does you son need the old phone? Is your son willing to sell/give it to MY brother? Instead of "demanding that HE should have the phone. UNLESS... your BF paid for this phone.
Are there any concrete plans to live closer to each other anytime soon?
And a side note... if you cards a frozen, it's not a good time to go visit someone, just saying. I would have cancelled that trip and arranged for another time to see him. It DOES put a burden on HIM financially. Or his brother. Now it's good that you paid the money back, but it's just not a sound strategy to have to RELY on them to pay for you needs while you stay there.
And you should NOT be the ATM when you are there, nor should you pay for him or his room-mate, you ALREADY paid money to travel to see him, and you pay your own share.
Sounds like he sees your money as "communal funds" and his money as HIS alone.
Consider this, the little snippets you SEE of him in person IS who he is. So IF you two move in together or closer together, these behaviors will AMPLIFY. He will be (most likely) MORE frivolous with his money and expect you to CARRY the slack financially.
You mentioned a temper, you mentioned being impatient and demanding... and this is on SHORTER visits that really should FEEL more like joy of seeing each other, mini vacations so to speak... IMAGINE on a day to day basis?
You have to remember to JUDGE people on their merits and their actions. Words are cheap.
I think THIS is the shit or get of the pot kind of moment. Where YOU have to REALLY consider if this is the guy for you. IF there REALLY is a future with him. A HEALTHY relationship with him.
Maybe the reason this is bugging you (and it would BUG me to if a BF DEMANDING my kid's old cell phone without asking or anything - but I digress) Like I said, maybe this is bugging you because you are starting to doubt that HE is who you THOUGHT he was, or whether HE is the right guy for you.
3 years in, This is where MANY people can definitely see a future with their partner. But with ONLY 3 visits a year, you DO NOT know him as well as you think you do. You know the persona he shows you in text, email and phone calls. And you see his "real self" when you visit and you don't LIKE that "real self" version.
Your main priority should be your son, and yourself. Making the BEST life for the two of you. Any BF should be ADDING to your life, not make it harder or more complicated and drama filled.
He doesn't sound like a great guy. You don't mention anything positive either, so maybe... you have kind of outgrown him or lost some of the loving feeling you used to have for him. and if you have, maybe.. it's time to pull the plug. HE isn't going to change, he will continue to be impatient, demanding and financially irresponsible. Because? He has people bailing him out (you did too, financially)
Think about it.
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