A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a consistent relationship for 8 years (on and off for the first 2 years if you count them then 10 years in total). And engaged for 4 with our wedding in 2 years time.Over the past couple of years we've had nothing but issues with his mum. Some of these issues were already there but others started when her boyfriend moved in 3 years ago and the existing issues got worse.She's always been irresponsible with money and uses a lot of catalogues, credit cards and loans each month buying a load of rubbish for little to show. When my other half was living by himself about 4/5 years ago and couldn't afford basic things due to being unemployed (due to seizures) she would persuade him to buy things on catalogue then demand the money from him when he couldn't even afford food. He was living by himself in the first place because she threw him out the house when he was 18/19 because she said she couldn't afford to keep him in the house but after he started having seizures she denied this and still denies she threw him out and claims she begged him to stay. Then downsized house so the option of him ever moving back in was gone.We moved in together 3 years ago after I finished uni and my other half got a job. His mum and her boyfriend kept asking me for money every month for 6 months then they paid me back each month.I helped them design websites (for free) for their business and advised them to go above board and make it legal for tax purposes etc... They did but since have terminated the company but are still trading (they don't know I know this).I had a massive argument with them last year about my partner's little brother (he's under 14 and the argument details and context at as long as this post but she effectively started an argument on my birthday to both of us for me doing something she asked for help on repeatingly and said that we must not trust her parenting. She was actually shouting down the phone to my other half then had the cheek to still want me over for birthday gifts). I told her then I wouldn't be helping them again with anything because they threw back everything I've done in my face.This year, my partner's 26th birthday was in June and he still received nothing except a card for his birthday because she said she had no money and kept this up for a few months then said nothing. She didn't even make him a cake and told him she wouldn't before his birthday she wouldn't (she does cakes on the sidelines) but had the cheek to get angry at him for his friends hiring someone to do it.Her boyfriend has just bought her a car for her birthday. His birthday is at the end of January and she's asked my other half if he can look after his brother for for 3 days so she can take her other half abroad for his birthday. She had messaged us a few times but times late at night.It took us a few days to think about it and we realised we're both actually off work the week before she plans on going away and not that week. She replied to us "thanks anyway", we never said we wouldn't look after him we just said we're free the week before... We don't mind looking after his brother and enjoy spending time with him but with the hours we work it's not practical for anybody if it's not planned properly. But her reaction makes me think she's already booked it.I don't know what to do anymore. She's going to use this latest thing to guilt trip my other half as she usually does when she doesn't get her way. My other half has brought up the subject of money to her several times and she ignores him each time. He did on this occasion as he said that she complains about money but can afford these things. She did the same after he helped behind the scenes too in her and her boyfriends businesses.We get married in 2 years and we still have a lot of planning to do. She's already having her say in things and getting over excited.But I can't sit by and watch her continue to be irresponsible about money and constantly hurt my fiance. I don't know what to say to her because anything I say automatically turns me into the big bad wolf. I'm stressed with it all and my other half is just done and worn out with it now. We've tried talking to other family members about it. The other thing she constantly does is ask us when we're having children but we've fought back on that one with other family members telling her off for that.Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your feedback. To clarify to the last writer.
My fiance is working now and has been for a good few years now. When he began having seizures he was having multiple daily until we got them under control.
The line of work he done at that point was too dangerous to work in whilst having seizures & he went off sick initially when it started before having to resign on medical grounds due to safety and issues with sick pay.
It was during this time his mum laid on the persuasion about catalogues etc. he was only about 19/20 at the time when all this initially kicked off including the seizures. He didn't have them in childhood
Things just got worse as time went on with his mum. There's loads of other stuff that I haven't posted as it would be an essay before I'm done.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2019): First of all, yes she is inconsiderate and bad with money. Second of all, you are both full-fledged adults in your late twenties, capable of making your own decisions. You should not lend her money. You've learned that the hard way. Her son should not be persuaded to buy from her peddler's catalogues. He hopefully has a mind of his own in his late twenties no one can force you to buy junk. If he knew he was broke that was his responsibility to draw limits. I do sympathize that she is overbearing, but I think it will help you to remember that she cannot control either of you even though she may try. You both have to be strong. BTW, without knowing ALL the details, nevertheless- a seizure disorder is not a reason to not work. I don't mean this unkindly but I know multiple people with seizure disorders holding down steady jobs (a few are part time). He may have to find an alternate career path, but hopefully he isn't giving up entirely.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2019): OP, you and your fiance have gone above and beyond, with regard to help toward your future MIL! You have lent your expertise to help them manage their money, even to the extent of making sure that they are tax legal! I commend you for your efforts! MIL just seems to have an entitlement mentality, where she runs up useless costs, then expects others to share in the costs! Extravagence too! Bday gifts of a motor car or a holiday abroad are over the top for the average person. This is why some folks never save anything, and never get ahead! Also, your fiance has seizure disorder, and extra drama and stress cannot be helpful to him! You two should draw the boundry, MIL household is hers to own, manage, and fianance, and your and your fiances household is seperate, to own, manage, and fianance! Explain that you love them, but money and love do not mix, when two different philosiphies clash! You have a savers mentality, and she has an over spenders mentality! Best wishes for your future and happiness!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2019): There are two issues here and they are seperate although you've conflated them.
1. she is an inconsiderate and selfish person.
2. she is bad with money
the solution to both is the same. There is nothing you can do about it. You cannot change her, you cannot sort her problems out for her, you cannot make her kinder. All you can do is try and detatch yourself from the situation and support your partner when his mother is hurtful. It's up to him what level of relationship he wants with her. Her money woes are not your problem.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (15 October 2019):
 I think that you have done too much already and now she has this expectation of you guys with regards your resources and your time.
If she is irresponsible with money, don't give her any. Many arguments are born from even bringing up the subject of money. She definitely is irresponsible and she's terrible with planning out her finances but she seems to be relying on yours while wanting to live the high life. I understand that this is your future mother-inlaw but boundaries need to be established. If she chooses to live on credit, that's the choice she's made but settling that credit is solely her responsibility. You've done enough. Both you and your partner have some major expenses that will need to be planned out regarding the wedding and life after. It can get really expensive and you will need all the money you can get. If she can't understand that fact, then she may be even more irresponsible than I thought.
A conversation needs to be had wherein you establish boundaries and explain your side. Your partner should preferably be the one to bring this across to her more so than you because he's the common denominator here so he should be able to talk to his mom without her flipping her lid to the extreme. Communication is needed and she needs to be cut off in terms of finances and favours as far as possible so that she can begin to understand what it takes to keep her own life in order.
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