A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, i´ve been dating my BF for almost three years. And his ex is still in the way. I mean, they stayed friends after the break up, but my bf lives in another city than her, so they chat on fb from time to time..I don´t live with my bf yet, he lives with his 2 male friends in a flat. But one of his roommates is good friends with that ex of my bf, so she travels often into our city to see that friend, goes to the party with another her friends and him etc and she´s very often in the flat of my bf..it really annoys me and I hate the fact that she´s there when I´m not there,,or even when I´m there. She´s trying to act veery nice to me when I´m there, it´s unnatural to me...She´s trying to be friends with me but I don´t talk to her..Idon´t care if I´m rude. What am I supposed to do? My bf doesn´t mind she goes visiting that friend in their flat but it´s driving me crazy. thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (10 May 2014):
 This Ex-Girlfriend is hanging around waiting for something… who knows what, but it appears she has a hard time letting go or moving on.
Your Boyfriend of 3 years has enabled her to linger on, by way of keeping in contact with her on Facebook, nothing else!? Note; He’s not the one socializing with her per say is he?
During this time she has become friends with one of his roommates; how convenient or coincidental… She should be starting those conversations and asking for help from him.
Still I can understand, why you’d be jealous, paranoid etc., it’s too close for comfort in my books, but not rude, as rudeness is a sign of insecurity, lack of confidence and weakness – immaturity
Yet what can you say or do? PLENTY – plenty of nothing! Unless you want to divulge you’ve been into his facebook page and expose your secret spying you’re best to remain silent, observe and mind your manners.
Meanwhile you should know if you really have something to worry about, is he attentive to you when she’s there, are you being neglected in any way, how is your (dating) relationship going in general? These things you can bring up and discuss with him. Soon enough she will fade away if the two of you are out doing things together when she’s visiting the roommate.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2014): Thank you for all your answers. Yes, I know I´m jealous, I fight with it all the time. But who wouldn´t be jealous, when they know, that the ex of their bf/gf is in his flat when they´re not there? Also, the ex and his roommate aren´t dating, I know that for sure,,,because he´s into other girl, he has just many friends. And it makes me think that the gf´s using the situation, that my bf´s living now with that roommate, so she can be closer to him. I don´t know, maybe I´m paranoid. Also, he didn´t give me the password, I looked into his fb secretly from time to time. (I know I shouldn´t but I can´t help myself) and it´s always her whose starting the conversation, reminding herself,asks for help..She´s emotionally damaged and my bf had with her hard time when they were dating (she had several breakdowns etc),,and I don´t think her being so nice to me is true and natural.
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A
female
reader, Adeboyefa  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 She is probably dating your bf's roommate now. Calm down. To be sure,whenever you meet her in the room,greet her warmly and snug close to your bf and watch her facial reaction.
Since you know they chat (probably because he gave you his password), what are they chatting about? Are their chats just friendly (as his roommate's friend) or flirty? Whatever the case,carry out the above experiment first.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2014):
 There's nothing much you can do, but perhaps.. grow up a bit ?
What do you think you could do ? You MAYBE could ask your bf not to talk to her through FB ( although you should NOT ask him ), but you surely can't have your bf moved to a hotel when she's there , and you can't forbid your bf's roommates to have whatever visitors they choose to have in their apartment.
So, since it sounds you'll have to swallow it anyway, why not trying to swallow it graciously ? Being hostile does not just makes you look rude... the problem is that makes you look jealous, petty, insecure and pathetic. I suppose your bf might even find that " cute " for a while.... for a while. After which, he's going to get tired of your paranoia and lack of social skills.
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A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (9 May 2014):
Hello, I am sympathetic with you. I can understand your situation and I also know that this can be a real problem for you.The 'ex' is 'in your face' and although nobody has done anything towards you, the fact that she is his 'ex' is the reason for your anger, rudeness, sadness, despair. I suffer from retrograde jealousy so I would find it virtually impossible to move past your situation. It is not about anything that 'they' are all currently doing, but it is about how you feel at this time. The feeling is not rational so it is so so so hard to think yourself out of it. For you, have a look at the retrograde jealousy articles on this site, a man called Yos has written some very useful articles so it is worth searching for him there. You do have my sympathy so don't despair. Try to recognize that you are in this 'jealousy' trap and it is this that is causing you to have or create your feelings of resentment. If I could say, try not to be openly rude to all the guys or the 'ex.' I know it is hard, but you are under pressure with your situation so try not to make things worse or make yourself a bad person. So, check the articles, come to terms with how you feel and remember that you are not alone in your thoughts or feelings. Many people can suffer from this. There are ways to get around it and coping methods. Best wishes and I hope you find peace. M.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (9 May 2014):
Sounds like the only problem here is you. You're being jealous, rude and immature. Work on your behavior if you want this problem to go away. You good do that by asking yourself why you should be mad at this girl, or anyone else involved. She's never done anything but be nice to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 May 2014):
 You should care if you are rude, because that only makes you look like an immature whiny brat.
Your boyfriend's flatmate has every right to have guests in his flat, and as you are also a guest in that flat, in that you don't live there you should be displaying better manners when in somebody else's home, and not ignoring their guests.
Rude, rude, rude, but we already know that, and you don't care ... right?
So you have asked what you are supposed to do, the answer is simply, plaster a smile on your face and suck it up.
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