A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year and a half. Prior to our relationship he was in a very intense relationship with a girl named Erin*, their relationship ended, six months later we got together however she will not leave him alone and it's having a negative effect on our relationship.For the first six months of our relationships he point blank refused to tell her about us - said it would hurt her too much and I tried to understand but damn it was hard, she was on the phone to him constantly, I could never feel sure of my relationship with him.When he finally told her, she backed off for a month and then came back even harder. It got to the point were things were so bad that prior to him going on a two month holiday he spent the evening on the phone to her telling her he'd miss her rather than talking to me.... and just refused to give me any affection.Nowadays, they won't talk for a couple of weeks and then bam, she returns telling him she loves him, wants him, needs him, etc. Begging him to get back with her. She also tries to get him in to bed and basically treats him/acts like he is her boyfriend. And to an extent he sort of goes along with it; they don't see each other it's mainly phone based but he'll call her before she goes to bed at night, wake her up in the morning and their conversations are always about their past relationship and just things you wouldn't talk about with a friend.She called him a week ago telling him she'd moved on, found a new guy and he was upset to the point of tears. Now she's dropped this new guy and is fully focused on him once again and he's lapping it up. It's especially worrying for me as we argued a month ago and spent three weeks apart, he's again yet to tell ehr we're together.I've tried explaining to him how I feel over and over again and he just claims I'm stropping about nothing, that she's 'just a very close friend who will always be in his life.' He refuses to listen, even though he knows it's upsetting me a lot. Part of me thinks that he's still in lvoe with her but he tells me I'm the one he wants a future with, he's told all his friends that too, he's bought me a ring. His actions just totally juxtapose one another.What do I do? I don't want to give up on our relationship but I also don't want to be walked over. It feels like she's his girlfriend and I'm just some sort of third wheel. It's also possible I'm being irrational or over-emotional? Am I? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): For every girl with a broken heart there is a guy with a can of glue.There is a very nice guy out there who won't treat you as second best.No woman deserves to be second best.Hold your head high.You are worth so much more.
Kudos girl! ~Mrs.Anon
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): OP you've done the right thing, definitely, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now. I know how awful it feels when a relationship ends BUT you will find someone who deserves you and doesn't have issues with his ex which threaten your happiness. You've made such a brave step! Hang in there it will get easier. Big hugs xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (10 February 2010):
Aw sweetie. I'm really sorry. Big hug to you. I know it's really hard but you deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with just you. What he was doing to you was just wrong, and it would damage your self esteem over the long run if you kept listening to him tell you you are crazy when you are not crazy. He is the one who is in denial thinking he can have you and her and that somehow that's okay. It's not. But you did a really important thing which is choose what is right for you. You will find someone who is more than happy to focus all his attn on you and you will be glad one day. For now, just do your best to cry it out and take care of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice guys, I did as you said and fired the ultimatum at him. He claimed that I was being psychotic and out of order, then of course he chose her.
Bit of a killer but I'm better off out of it I guess.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
 PS: I'm very familiar with this situation. Don't feel comfortable. When I finally broke contact with my ex and refused to talk to him, he dropped his girlfriend he'd been with for 2 years. I'm taking my own example, and thinking that if she steps out of his life, he'll miss her too much and your relationship will suffer.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
He's in love with *Erin, and she's in love with him. They probably can't ever be together because of arguments or differences in personality. He might even stay with you forever, but it's her he loves and will always love. If you can stand this, then stay with him. But you deserve a man who loves you with all his heart and all he has to give. Don't blame her, she knows how he feels. She loves him, she knows he loves her, and where love is concerned, there is no room for politeness or thinking of the other girlfriend and how she feels.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 February 2010):
When a man tells you that you're stropping and when he says he'd rather miss another girl than talk to you, you can be sure you can do better. Go and find a guy who isn't so hung up on the past.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (7 February 2010):
The only thing that has any chance to get through to him is for him to realize if he doesn't let her go he will lose you. I'm very sorry. That's really hard.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (7 February 2010):
You are not being irrational. This behavior is completely unacceptable. Unfortunately it sounds like he has never really ended his relationship with her, and he clearly still has feelings for her. And you aren't going to beat him into submission by complaining or crying or any of that. The only shot you have is to leave him and see if he misses you enough to make a choice.
I think you need to tell your guy quite calmly... look i surrender. i love you but you are clearly still involved with her. i need someone who is just with me. I hope you can understand. Goodbye. Then walk away.
He may end things with her and come after you... or he may let you go. But better to know than to continue on like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input. I know they're not sleeping together because firstly she lives two hundred miles away,secondly if they were she would have told everyone she knows and it would have got back to me through various channels and finally he and I share a best friend who I'm sure would tell me herself.
It's more the emotional 'infidelity' I'm concerned about and the fact that he doesn't seem to see/care how it's negatively affecting me/us.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 OK WOW! no way you are being over emotional!
he is acting like she is still his gf with you on the side like a joke. he is completely disrespectful! i dont know how you have put up with it!
if you have tried to talk to him and he simply wont listen then the harsh truth is you need to leave him, or you will just have to deal with being number two to his EX.
this is so stupid, he shouldnt be scared of her feelings, they broke up for a reason. maybe you should show him what you wrote and he will realize what a tool he is being!
you have been together for a year and a half? i could maybe understand the bf talking to the ex for a few weeks if he felt bad but A YEAR AND A HALF? thats messed up!
if he wont tell her your back together its cos he wants her to want him.
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