A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 1 year is a heavy drinker - most days 1 bottle or more of wine (on his own, I don't drink) and worse at weekends. I didn't know this initialy, only after we started living together. He has a good job. I suspect he is a high functioning alcoholic. This is a big concern to me because we were talking marriage and babies but I don't want an alcoholic for a husaband or father of my children. When sober he is a great and our relatioship is fine.. When drinking his personality changes - it's like he's a stranger, although he is never aggressive. I have tried to get him to acknowledge and address the issue but he either says yes and does nothing or tells me it's his life and he'll do as he likes. Should I stay and encourage him to get help or give up on him?
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 He has to want to change for himself for any real change to happen. If you've expressed how you feel, and still nothing, about the only thing left to try would be an intervention. It's up to you how long you want to try to hang on though.
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (1 March 2011):
 He needs help. He is self medicating himself with alcohol. If he visits a therapist, he will be able to get to the root of the problem and learn how to deal with stress without alcohol.
You sound like you already know the answer to your question. Look into the future. What do you see? Do you want that kind of life? You realize that his drinking problem will progress and thing will only get worse. I don't think it's a good idea to add marriage and babies to that.
The thing that got my attention is the fact that his personality changes when he drinks. My advice is to acknowledge his drinking problem to him. Ask him to get help. If he is unwilling, you should leave him. if you marry this man you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): He is definately drinking to excess to be sure. I would say to become as informed as you can, perhaps attend some al anon meetings in your area, but I have to say that you are a year into this, and despite you addressing the issue with him he still shows no signs of stopping. Given that you have high hopes of having a decent life with him with all the works included - marriage, children, do you think that you have given him long enough on this? Only you can answer this question, and whether or not you feel that you have done all you can. In most cases the person has to have that strong want inside of themselves to stop. Unfortunately, f he is unable to recognize that he even has a drinking problem then it is unlikely he will even begin to seek help for it. Are you prepared for another year of the same to follow?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I would say his consumption is about the same as my ex who was indeed an alcoholic. I tried and tried and tried to help her with all my strength...I couldnt. I learned that people with addictions have to admit their problem and then take action, you cannot control their behavior or even influence it. Addiction or dependency is psychological and goes beyond a mental need, so alcoholics become selfish and very very dangerous to be around. I would give this man an ultimatum. Either he quits drinking and gets counseling for his addiction or he lives his life and you leave it. You have a solid head on your shoulders and this man would only bring you down if you stuck around. Best to you miss.
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