A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner is in SO much debt and is very very stressed. We don't go out and we don't do anything as there is no money. he is self employed so his income in quite low, and whatever income he has goes on paying back the debt and other bills. I have been with him for about 5 years, when we first got together he didnt tell me about the debt as he was under the impression he only owned about 10 grand but its more like 35,000. He only pays the minimum (and usually only the interest) so its not going to get paid off in the next 20 odd years. This has a knock on effect on our sex life too. As he is never in the mood as he is always thinking about the debt. Most of his debt is from spending on his ex. He is middled aged, has had a family and gone on holidays, done and seen things etc. I'm in my mid twenties and just stating out in life and havent really travelled or done anything. I am about to complete a degree and could go on to travel and do things, but I at the same time I have been with him since I was in my early 20s and do not want to leave. What should I do?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (27 July 2011):
Something has to give. If your relationship is good, preferably the thing to give way is the way you are managing things financially, but if that doesn't give, you may find the relationship does.
Basically, he needs to have a better plan for dealing with his debt than paying the minimum or interest so that nothing changes. If nothing changes the debt, nothing will change in the relationship, and it is hard to make relationships work under the stress of debt. You need a better plan.
What is his current plan for getting out of debt? Does he have one? Does the plan suit you? If you love him and want the relationship to work, this is something you can plan and work to resolving together. You need a plan because you need hope, you need for there to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you need for him to show you that the relationship means enough that he will work as hard as he can to make the best of things so the relationship can survive. If he has a good plan and its a plan you can believe in, you can get through the hard times until then. If there isn't one, and you can't create one, I would say the relationship will probably not last.
A
male
reader, Philips +, writes (26 July 2011):
 We can only give you logical answers which will be in the benefit of your material life and long-term well-being. LEAVE HIM.But maybe you don't care about your financial security and give more importance to emotions. Maybe you are willing to endure long years of hardship, financial sufferings and deprived happiness. Will you still love him then like you love him now. You are the only only to know your true answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Leave him. This may look insensitive after 5 years, but is the logical thing to do :(
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): You say you do not want to leave. Fine, the answer is simple - stay with him, put up with things exactly as they are, never moan, never go out, never have sex...
You REALLY don't want to leave?
Fine. But I think the answer you'll get from most people here will be the opposite of what you want to hear.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (26 July 2011):
I would leave. Look, this is how your future is going to be if you stay with him. You just got a glimpse and you don't like it. You'll get older, he'll get older and at one point you might resent yourself for staying with him because his debt drags you both down. I would have more sympathy if it seemed like he was doing all he could to pay it off, but if he pays the minimum this problem is going to keep hovering over him (and you) like a dark cloud.
Also I find it strange he chooses to be with a girl who could have been his daughter. I have nothing against age gap relationships in general, but this just strikes me as an odd one because you've been with him since you were barely an adult, which hardly makes you two compatible. You should be granted to live your life freely, experience travelling and having a career, not worrying about a problem that was not caused by you. Also, the fact he has so much debt does not speak in his favor concerning finances. Is he really the right man for you?
If you really want to stick with him I suggest you two consult an expert on the money problems so you can find out the best way to get out of this debt.
But remember, sometimes doing the hardest thing is the best thing.
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