A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts...I need some help. My boyfriend of two years had a very mentally unstable girlfriend about 6 years ago. He still cares about her and wants to help her be happy, but they aren't talking atm because she is inappropriate when it comes to our relationship. I've never met her, but she has asked him to move in with her (even though we live together) and tell her he loves her and leave me so they can hang out. When he doesn't pick up, she calls, texts, emails 50 times during the day (no lie, I know people say this, but she will call 30, 40 or 50 times before she finally gives up hours later) and throws a tantrum, saying he owes it to her to talk.Problem is, I tried helping him find a friendship with her, but it never works out (she's in another state, but gets away with bad behavior, such as talking crap about his relationships and him only talking to her when I'm not around, (he's not so bright sometimes)) So, they're on the out and we just got back home from christmas with his parents. He got the mail and while he was throwing away the junk, I saw a small card that got caught in the huge spam mail get discarded (on accident). I noticed it was from her, seems to be a christmas card with HER (not his) daughter. She always uses her daughter as a way to get at him cause he loves kids. She says, 'Don't be mean to me or my daughter will be sad'. And it works! So, this card has the kids pictures all over it. He feels bad for her, but she's violent and has caused property damage in his place before. Now, she knows where we live and even though she's a state away, I'm nervous about it. I feel that if I pull the card out, he'll feel bad about her again. I know he's not in love with her or anything, but she makes him feel guilty for stupid things, she pushes his buttons, and he hates to see her suffering. (he's really a good guy)Also, if he does end up talking to her and mentions that he got her card, then she'll know she's got our address correct, and I don't want her to know she's got it right. I feel like saying 'not at this address' or 'return to sender' but I want to do what's right for our relationship. So, I need some help, should I just leave it in the trash or pull it out for him? Thanks!
View related questions:
christmas, text, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, babyparis +, writes (5 January 2012):
 dont help him help her, yes he wants to be nice and help out with her child but at the end of the day its not his he has his own life and household to worry about. im going through the same thing right now... its hard on you and him and especially you guy relationship but you know who he love and just stay strong she will get it sooner or later...
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Hi,
I don't think that throwing the card away will make any difference at this point. 1) she has the address 2) I guess your boyfriend gave the address to her.
I understand that some cases people keep in touch with the exes, but what she's doing is too much.... It's also disrespectful if she's flirting with your boyfriend knowing that he's in a relationship. I am sure your boyfriend is a nice guy, he feels sorry for her, but I don't understand the point why keep in touch with her constantly? He knows that this bothers you very much, yet he continues, sorry but he does not respect your feelings. Why is it so important to have this crazy ex in his life?
Another thing, we all know she's not interested in your boyfriend as friend? He wants him back and him keeping in you h with her is giving her false hopes. He needs to stop all contacts with this crazy ex, otherwise your relationship will always be this roller coaster... The most important thing here is that you are not happy, so in order to save your relationship you need to talk to your boyfriend and he needs to support you.
Sorry that you are going through this nonsense. His ex is definitely crazy and she needs to move on with her life and leave both of you alone. I am actually surprise that knowing her character that your boyfriend chooses to be friends? I wouldn't!! I would be happy that I am far away from this crazy loser....
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 January 2012):
 Honestly, I would tell him to shit or get off the pot. She is obviously not good for the relationship and I can not SEE what he gets out of the contact either, other then stress.
Either he sorts her out or I would walk. I have dealt with 2 odd ex's and honestly, if I had been smart I would have told my husband enough is enough or walked away. That took me 7 year to figure out. He grew a set when it comes to one ex but the other is another story, since there are kid involved, however, she ( I guess) grew up a little.
...............................
A
female
reader, heidos  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Hello there lovely!!
I agree with cerberus - it will have to be an ultimatum situation. Your story really resonates with me as my partner has/had a 'friend' not an EX who seems to be obsessed with him and also uses her child to emotionally manipulate and guilt (the child is my partners godson) however she acts like a crazy obsessive ex, she will contact ME however to get her messages to him, cowardly and crazy. When I get a message now I delete it and ignore it, eventually I will be able to get her off my mind property as she always seems to know when to pop up and cause some shit. When before i used to get upset when she would contact me, now I ignore and almost laugh at how crazy she is. I would leave the card in the trash and if it comes up with her and him, then I would just tell your partner you are sick of her being the 3rd wheel in the relationship. He isnt doing her any favours by being 'nice' to her he should have cut her off years ago when they broke up if she is emotionally unstable. She obviously needs help, professional help, not HIS help!! Just stand your ground hun and tell him that you wont put up with this! I couldnt believe it when i heard that she calls and emails like that!!! my god!! that is just ridiculous. If you feel a need to vent more anytime just email me!! good luck xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): "he's really a good guy" no he's not he's a sap and a mug. How is it being a good guy to 1. let another women jeopardize your relationship and 2. keep feeding the emotions of a crazy woman who obviously can't let go? If you ask me he's being an asshole.
The only person who can sort this out is your boyfriend OP but he's too weak or he's too attached. It's nothing to do with being nice or good, because nice and good is cutting all contact and letting this woman get over him, but he doesn't, he feeds her instead he likes this game or he wouldn't play it. There's nothing nice about what you're boyfriend is doing at all OP.
You need help? Then stop helping him stay in contact with this girl, stop patting him on the back for being "good" (a weak fool) and put your goddamn foot down. If he's too weak to let go then you have to stand up and tell him this is no longer acceptable to you.
He's not being nice, he's making her child's life a misery by not forcing her to get over him. He's not helping OP, so if in the rare case he's one of these guys that's too stupid to realize what's best for him, her, you and her child then you have to make it clear to him. Cut all contact, send one last message telling her he is doing this and that he will take legal measures to stop her and that's that. If he's too weak, too emotional or won't for whatever illogical reason do this, then you just have to accept that she will be the third person in your relationship for as long she wants to be and there is not one single thing you can do about it.
So either stand up and fight for your relationship and get this OP, or put up and shut up, because she has absolutely no reason to stop when he keeps bending to her will. Maybe you might consider finding a guy with a backbone who doesn't let people push him around for 6 fucking years.
...............................
|
