A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone!I am currently dealing with an issue I need some advice on. I have been in a relationship for several years and and my partner and I had always had an active sex life. I was always satisfied, though he could never reach orgasm. I have never been successful in satisfying him, and the only way he can finish is by himself. He also had difficulty maintaining an erection. Even though he told me it wasn't my fault, something always felt a little bit off.A short while ago, he confessed to me that he was asexual, and that up until now he was just going through the motions to satisfy me.Of course, I felt a lot of different emotions. I felt hurt that he wasn't truly attracted to me sexually, embarrassed that I had been putting myself out there in front of him like that, sad that we will never have a normal sex life... I decided not to share this with him because I knew it was hard enough on him to tell me.But here's the problem... I am on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. My sex drive is absolutely through the roof. Almost abnormally so, I'm the kind of girl who is always ready for round two. I love giving as much as receiving. And I have since lost my sexual attraction to my boyfriend because of his confession. I feel like I am violating him by even fantasizing about him. As a result I have developed a bit of a wandering eye, knowing that I will probably never have sex again if I stay with him. (I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do, and this would be embarrassing for me) I find this thought incredibly disturbing, and I crave passionate sexual contact.I really, truly, love him and would never cheat, nor can I think of ever leaving him.Do I commit to a life of celibacy, possibly losing my mind with a lack of sexual contact, or do I risk losing the most important person in my life over this? What would you do if you were in my situation?
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erection, orgasm, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2013):
 Yes, you are right. He was all you dreamed of... Otherwise. But now, knowing this, he is no longer the man of dreams. Thats just how things are sometimes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so very much.Your insight is so appreciated. I especially appreciated the hard truths I needed to hear. I can't bear the thought of ending it, he's everything I've ever dreamed of otherwise... we were thinking marriage, kids, forever... I'll need to do it when I'm ready.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 January 2013):
To answer the headline question: NO. There is no way it can work. "Of course, I felt a lot of different emotions. I felt hurt that he wasn't truly attracted to me sexually"It's not that he doesn't find you sexual, he doesn't find anything sexual. There's a big difference. You can still be very sexual, it's just that he's blind to that sort of colour. Having had sex with you still means he must care a lot about you, because if he's truly asexual he'd dislike sexual acts and try to avoid them. Then again, why has he been lying to you for so many years? Why did he not feel he could be honest with you? Why build so many lies for so many years... that worries me more than the actual asexuality. To me, this level of secrecy means your relationship isn't very deep. He can't tell you the truth... so what else is he keeping hidden and a secret? "My sex drive is absolutely through the roof. Almost abnormally so, I'm the kind of girl who is always ready for round two. I love giving as much as receiving. And I have since lost my sexual attraction to my boyfriend because of his confession."Without sexual attraction, what you have is basically a good friendship. That is probably all he needs, to have emotional intimacy rather than sexual intimacy (although how emotionally intimate are you really if he keeps secrets like this for several years?). But you need to be true to yourself, you need to remember that although this is enough for him, doesn't mean it should, or can, be enough for you. You're a different person. He'd abnormal, you're normal. You crave a healthy sex life, he doesn't. You're not a match. You'll end up feeling rejected, unwanted, you have already lost your sexual attraction towards him. You will end up finding other men sexually attractive, eventually. You will crave more. Better to end things now before you end up cheating on him, or before you start having thoughts about other men. These type of thoughts are going to drive you insane and fill you with guilt. "Do I commit to a life of celibacy, possibly losing my mind with a lack of sexual contact, or do I risk losing the most important person in my life over this?"You will lose him anyway. Although, it's not so much losing, as it is you never had him to begin with. He was never sexually attracted to you, he never enjoyed sex with you. You didn't have that sexual connection with him that you thought you had. Your relationship isn't what you thought it was. And from now on, he's not going to want to go through the motions any more. Sex will stop. You can't commit to celibacy, the mere thought is ridiculous. The things we do for love can be crazy and wild, but use your brain here. The only way you could live in celibacy is if you had no sexual urges. Which you do have. You can't deny that fact. And trying to supress it will be just that.. supressing it. It'll always be there. And it will drive you away from him, mentally as well as physically. Rather, end things and then aim at becoming friends once some time has passed to heal. Then you wont lose him at all, he can still be your friend. And that is all he can hope for with you, because it is really not fair of him to expect you to supress who you are for his sake. You are who you are. He is who he is. You becoming celibate is as likely to happen as him suddenly turning into a sex craving wild animal. Not going to happen, because that isn't who he is. And you're not a celibate girl. Stay true to who you are, and don't think in ultimatums. You don't "lose" him. He doesn't die if you break up. You can still be close friends. And yes, you CAN live without him. You wont die either. You will hurt for a while, and then you will feel better and be happy again. And if you truly aren't EVER going to be happy with ANY other man (or even single), then I am willing to send you all the money I have in the bank and tell you I'm sorry for advising you to leave. -signed chigirl
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2013):
 I would leave him in a nanosecond, with no regrets. And notice that not even at the peak of my sexuality I was the half as frisky as you.
Simply , you cannot deny and suppress such a big part of who you are , your sexuality, your natural wish to express love and intimacy by physical means, in the name of a halved "love ". To me , it would feel as depressing, incomplete, and ultimately wrong as the specular opposite relationship- a long term, or maybe even all life, relationship just based on unbridled physical passion, but no feelings, no connection, no emotions.
Unfortunately you two are just incompatible, he needs to be with another asexual, or at least with someone with a very low sex drive, or with less moral scruples in finding her pleasure elsewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the wonderful answer.
I think you nailed it, I'm not so much craving sex as much as I am physical and emotional intimacy. That is extremely important to me. I love him with every fibre of my being, and he said I need to be happy even if it meant not being together. I just don't know if I can be without him...
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A
female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 This is a hard situation to be in. I understand that you love him, but love isn't everything. Neither is sex.
The real question is, regardless of the reasons, are you going to be happy in this relationship? If you aren't, then what's the point?
Perhaps you should talk it over with him though, let him know your worries and your feelings, maybe there is some hidden solution that you don't see? At the end of the day if he loves you as much as you love him, you'll want each other to be happy - even if that means you aren't together anymore.
If it was me in this situation, I think I would have to leave, because I know that in a relationship sex is a really important thing to me. I couldn't live without the emotional connection or the physical closeness.
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