| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My bf and I have been together for 3 years collectively now. I've broken up with him before because of his uncontrolled anger problem. He gets angry at the smallest things and then I have to try and calm him down. Usually when he gets angry it spoils our day because he's in a bad mood and I get upset and scared when he has a fit of anger. He has said it's normal to express anger but he takes anger to a whole new level, I've never seen someone get as angry as he does over the smallest things. Today we were on our way out somewhere and he got a call from a colleague who needed him to come to work and help out. When he got off the phone he was extremely angry and shouted and swore and smashed his phone to pieces. I tried to tell him that it upsets me when he gets so angry and I find it hard to be around someone who gets as angry as he does at every little thing. Then he shouted at me and slammed the steering wheel and said we should just end our relationship then because I can't accept him as he is. I started crying because I was upset that he would say such a thing and then he started begging me to talk to him and not leave him and telling me he didn't mean what he said. He said he realizes he has an anger problem and is going to seek help, but I don't know if he really will. Should I give him a chance or should I call it quits? I'm afraid that things will only get worse. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (31 January 2010):
You need to draw this line in iron, and stand on it with a big stick. He needs to know that even coming close to this line hurts more than he is willing to experience.
Leave him. Immediately.
Tell him (in a note would be wise if you are in the least bit afraid) that you love him very much, but that he needs help for his anger issues.
Don't let him tell you that you are not accepting who he is. This is UNHEALTHY for HIM as much as it is for you. It is not a crime, nor a sign that you love him less to want him to seek help for a problem that hurts him.
Tell him that you will not even consider coming back until he has enrolled in a real, long term, serious anger management program, and started seeing a real therapist.
Don't back away from that line one inch!
I watched a friend of mine sink deeper and deeper into anger issues. He started off fairly reasonable, and would just yell a bit when he got upset at things that would normally upset people. When his subconcious mind learned to like the power trip he got from yelling and not being told off about it, things got worse and worse over a number of years.
I finally had to tell him outright one evening that if I ever witnessed him putting his hands on his wife out of anger again, I would respond violently. He didn't hit her, but I wasn't about to let it get that far. That was the line I drew. So long as he never hurt anyone I was keeping my nose out of it. When he grabbed his wife, I let loose.
Their marriage ended not long after that.
Don't let your man go one step down this road. It does NOT go anywhere you want to see. Draw that line in iron, and stand on it with a big goddamn stick!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 January 2010):
He's had his second chance. That's it. You gave him his first chance, and you ended up breaking with him for this reason. You then took him back, and nothing has changed except he has got worse. This is not safe. He's had to chances. Don't waste any more time. It's clear he won't change. Never give more then a second chance. He's had it, and blown it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): He was the one who suggested you break up. Why not take him up on that and leave?
...............................
|
