A
male
age
41-50,
*wertyqwerty26
writes:Hi, Thank you for reading my email. I hope it makes sense and you can help me.Ok so i have been in a relationship for around 3 years now, we were due to get a house but broke up last Monday. It was my own fault i suppose, my girlfriend had doubts about how faithful i had been after finding a text in my draft messages. This is not the first time she has found something like this. I don’t know why I do it, but if a girl texts or shows me attention I can’t help but reply or enjoy the attention. I figure if I truly love my girlfriend and want to be with her then I simply wouldn’t be doing this? I have never cheated, not physically anyway. I guess by texting another girl I have betrayed my girlfriend, which I feel bad about. I explained to her there was nothing in it, and even had texts in both my inbox and sent messages to show her. On this occasion there wasn’t anything to hide. However, my girlfriend demanded she see my phone bills to determine if I was telling the truth. Now she didn’t just mean this current phone bill, but all my previous bills. So she could find out if there was any other evidence I had done wrong. There was nothing I wish I could have done more than show her the bills, she was hurt and upset. However, due to the fact I had sent a couple of texts to an old flame, who my current girlfriend doesn’t get along with, I wasn’t able to do this and so refused. As a result she ended things and claimed we should cancel the house. Don’t get me wrong I totally agree that she has done the right thing. If I sit and think if the shoe was on the other foot what would I have done, then I would have done the same thing. The problem now is, that although my girlfriend has said she feels a weight has been lifted off her shoulders and no longer sits and worries what I am doing or where I am at, she has came back to me and said she does not want things to finish, and that we can’t leave things over a few texts. But that she does not want the house as she can not afford it, and although she is 23 wants to be with her mates and go out enjoying herself more. Last thing she wants is to be stuck in a house with me all the time. I should be over the moon that she has said this, and half of me am, it shows she loves me so much and wants to be with me. I love her, she makes me laugh, is good looking and if this hadn’t happened then I would have got the house with her. However, since I have had time to think and reflect I am unsure of what to do. I have felt things between us had started to change; she works long hours, and often sleeps over at work. I have a job in education so I am also always busy. We have been spending less and less quality time together. I have noticed I get short tempered and snappy with her and that our sex life has dropped drastically. If I’m honest I have also felt that I sometimes maybe annoy her. Also, if we get back together what does she mean she wants to be out with her mates and go out enjoying herself more. Last thing she wants is to be stuck in a house with me all the time? Surely that sounds like the relationship is going backwards? I guess what I am asking is how do I truly know what I want? What is for the best? Do I get back with my girlfriend, accept we are not getting the house and that she is going to be out with her friends more etc. Which by the way she does already, she has never been stopped from going out. In fact I encourage her, she doesn’t want to be working all the time or sat with me, it’s not healthy. This way we can work on things and seem if can get back on track. Then i will have no regrets. Or do I walk away, feeling the relationship has run its course and it’s for the best to leave it? She will be happy because she is not worried about what I am doing and is free to find someone who will treat her better which she deserves. How do you know what you want? I shouldn’t be seeking attention if I have a fun and loving girlfriend. Why do I do it? I guess I am worried opportunity is going to pass me by. I am a good looking lad, with a bit of personality about me. I often get asked out by women; so far I have done little wrong apart from send a few harmless texts. But I worry that as I get older, I’m 26 by the way, that women will no longer find me attractive and I will be past my prime. What if things go wrong with my girlfriend in 5 years, and I’m left alone and unable to find love. Yet if I carry one the way I am I will be alone anyways. I have been hurt in the past and previous girlfriend cheated on me, so maybe I send replies to texts because I know she will hurt me? I just don’t know what to do. Please advise. Thanks.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 January 2010):
Seems to me that the truth is this girl isn't the 'one'. Let's face it, if she was, you would have taken her back, and you probably wouldn't have sent all those texts in the first place. I think you're in a place where you would do better to focus on your own life for a while. You seem to be insecure, which isn't good, and it seems like even if you did go back to your girlfriend, you'd still send these texts. You need to find out who you are and focus on yourself. Then when you do find the girl your truly want to be with, you won't be insecure about the hurt in the past, and you won't need to take all this attention from other women. Focus on yourself and your life for now.
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