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female
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anonymous
writes:i need some advice mainly from men.. but women please can you give your opinions too.. are men really put off with high maintenance girls? and whenever they classify a girl as high maintenance what exactly do they mean?Personally i always like myself to be looking pretty with having my hair and nails maintained and clothes sitting nice, however my friend (who is a male) happened to say to me that maybe men are put off by the way i look because i look like "too much hard work"..i thought men would prefer someone who looks like they've made an effort and care about what way they look (not in a very love-myself way). Rather than being with someone who looks scruffy and like they just don't care...opinions needed because i am lost!!! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): I agree that you need to look like you barely put effort into your look but while still looking gorgeous. It's a classy natural look many men appreciate, like. Then again, all men are different...
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female
reader, Risingfromashes  +, writes (23 January 2010):
Interesting, I used to wonder the same and eventually downplayed from the way I wanted to dress, later to find that the guy I was with really did prefer me to try my best. Men mainly just seem to get agitated when a woman takes too long, ie; too much of their time with you. But when I think High Maintenance I think of someone like my grandma: plays up the "damsel in distress" card just to feel wanted ad entertained, and is probably superficial, and could want things/to do things/go places that are expensive, and can't have a good time and relax. But that's the typical negative side. For the meaning behind the words literally I would think a good car someone can tend to (the man) the more they may appreciate it in the end-as long as it doesn't break the bank or complain too much! LOL Its never a bad thing to want to keep yourself healthy and happy, even if that means getting nails and/or a nice pair of heels everyonce in a while! The best men know how to spoil their woman (within good reason). Take care!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks very much for all your replies.
After reading them i was wondering was i giving off the wrong "vibe" as 'heartfullalove' as talking about, so i decided to actually ask my friend what he meant by me looking as though i was high maintenance. Again he couldn't give me the answer i wanted. He just blamed it on me never looking as though i've had a hard day. Even though he's been the one whos seen me sweating it out in the gym, and been with me first thing in the morning before ive even brushed my teeth?
I feel that i am by no means a prima donna and have never once thought i was too good for anyone, infact i am much the opposite. I would talk away to anyone as i have quite an upbeat bubbly personality. Maybe its the fact that any money i make i spend on myself?? i like to look nice it gives me the bit of confidence i need to start the day. As i have no children yet i do spend my money on myself getting my hair done and my nails, but would people prefer it if i didnt do all that? i'm usually not one to care what people think but this has quite rattled me.. as i am still none the wiser
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reader, Illithid +, writes (12 November 2009):
 High Maintenance has always meant, from what I've seen, a woman that a man has to work unduely hard to keep happy. If he has to take her to expensive dinner frequently, buy her all sorts of gifts, constantly compliment her, reassure her every time she's feeling low (as an expectation, not just because he means it), put up with whatever immaturity she shows, and still be there to wait on her like some sort of slave, that's high maintenance. And yes that's a turn off if the guy has self respect.
You, however, are putting effort into how you look. That is not high maintenance. That's just taking pride in your appearance and is a good thing.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 November 2009):
 I agree with Double M's definition of "high maintenance", and will add that NO, MEN DON'T LIKE THAT.
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female
reader, Pocahontas08 +, writes (12 November 2009):
Girlfriend, please do not listen to your male friend. As women, we need to pay attention to the way we look and primp ourselves. It helps with self-esteem. I personally feel that if you are the type of woman that "demands the best", I don't see anything wrong with that either. If you are just keeping yourself up and looking fabulous in the process, kudos to you! There are so many women who forget about themselves at times. Some women for YEARS at a time! Keep looking fabulous. Real, confident women love that because we are able to get tips from each other. Real, confident men love it because it shows you care about yourself and that your care about him enough to primp even for him (whilst it's really for you!). In a long-term relationship, your keeping yourself up is something he will definitely appreciate. I love fashion, but one of my girlfriends is a complete fashionista. Some people might say she is high maintainence because of the material things she owns but she's really not. By the way, people think the same about me, but I have more of a bubbly personality so they drop the stereotype asap. For her, not so much. It sucks because you shouldn't have to have a certain personality type for it to be okay to look fierce! She just looks fabulous in everything she wears and has great style, great taste and flair! To me I think that is great especially since she is a MOM. She shops on a budget (her budget) and is a great wife and mother. She does have rules about keeping herself up. She never goes out looking a mess/busted (I don't either). She always pulls herself together as far as her appearance first thing every morning, EVERY single day. I, myself, lounge out on weekends but when I have children I will primp a bit more even on weekends because when the kids come the habit to look a mess looms! LOL! Until it's time for babies, I continue to keep my appearance up and go to the spa for mani/pedi's etc and do loungewear on weekends. So don't stop the primping ladies. Embrace it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): I have gone out looking like the love child of Angela Merkel and Albert Einstein munching on left-over spinach pie while rushing into a final exam, and I have gone out after one-hour hair and make-up session...Guess which of those images repelled men faster? Listen to the men here, sister, a well-groomed woman is a soothing sight for tired eyes...Keep taking care of yourself and don't worry about reproving eyes. As long as you are as observant of the beauty around you as you are caring of yours, you won't miss out on the wonders of this life...in the end that's all that matters.love,g
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): As far as I understand it, 'high maintenance' is a term used to refer to the sort of girl who insists on being phoned ten times a day to be told how beautiful she is, or who creates/provokes stupid little arguments on a very frequent basis in order to see how high the guy is willing to jump, or who will always reserve the right to unleash the wrath of Satan if she suspects she isn't being accorded the level of worship she feels entitled to.
It has nothing to do with looks, though it stands to reason that such prima-donna behaviour is a good deal more likely among phenomenally attractive girls, who may have billions of male admirers and consequently don't feel any obligation to be 'nice' to anyone.
(There's also a genetic imperative to maximise the number of 'suitors' or potential partners, thus increasing the chance of choosing the 'right' one. The flipside of this involves weeding out those deemed to be the 'wrong' ones. As a girl pal once told me, 'you have to be rude to guys sometimes, cause they can be really hard to get rid of once you've been nice to them').
This need not preclude the ladies in question from being really sweet some of the time. The advertising slogan 'Because I'm Worth It' quite accurately conveys the psychology that's involved here.
Thankfully, these types are a minority. And of course there are male equivalents, though they may express it in different ways. However, your question was specifically about 'high-maintenance' girls. The Irish equivalent is 'head-wrecker' or 'head-f***er'.
You should continue to make an effort to be pretty and care about the way you look. Look after your appearance, it's important. Your mate's comment about guys thinking you look like 'too much hard work' suggests to me that you're probably great-looking, which a lot of guys find intimidating. There is a mistaken presumption among ordinary-looking guys (it contains a sliver of accuracy, but it's not a universal truth by any means) that any gorgeous female will be 'out of my league', 'too hot to handle' or 'too much hard work'. Hence comments like 'Forget it, she wouldn't go near anyone who isn't a film star or a millionaire'.
You can disprove this by being as warm, friendly, down-to-earth and approachable around guys as possible. Being around people who are good company is never hard work, it's as easy as breathing.
Best of luck
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (12 November 2009):
 One of my best (male) friends dated a "high maintanence" woman for a while.
Basically, she like you took great pride in her appearance almost to the point of obsession, and was very conscious of the "things" she had in her life. Posessions were everything.
She would go shopping weekly to buy new stuff, spend hours at the salon, doing hair, nails, tan (looking frigtful in my opinion) and she always seemed to have an air about her that screamed "im better than everyone else".
She expected and demanded the most expensive gifts, and actually threw them back at him if she thought they were not good enough. She modelled herself on a celebrity A lister - she thought she deserved the same lifestyle.
She would spend literally hours doing herself up before they went out, and was too busy wondering what everyone else was thinking about her, than about her boyfriend.
Then she started moaning... why dont we have a BMW, why cant we live in that expensive apartment. My friend just didnt earn that sort of money. So she dumped him.
Her needs came first at all times. He was there to provide for her, and trail about after her telling her how wonderful she was. Needless to say, she didnt have a job, and wasnt very good at anything, prefering to ask daddy to provide for her.
That is High Maintenance...
I think maybe your friend meant that you were too polished around the edges - perhaps he thinks you are trying too hard? Think about posh spice (an extreme example) she always has to look good at all times. There is never a hair out of place, a squiffy skirt in view. You just KNOW by looking at her that she is high maintenance! Fussy beyond belief and wanting everything just so - a bit of a control freak. Now ask most men if they would prefer her or someone who was a little more natural looking?
You can look good and look a bit windswept at the same time. Its not all about having perfect clothes, and perfect makeup 100% of the time. yes you can make an effort, but most men prefer their women once the makeup comes off.
It is OK to be natural :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): What your friend said wouldn't be my definition of high maintenance. I agree with you, people tend to appreciate when other people make an effort and try to look their best. So I don't think you're wrong there. Although that being said you can go overboard on the hair and makeup and nails and stuff. Personally the very done up look isn't to my taste. I appreciate a more natural look, but that's just me.
To me high maintenance would be someone who expects a lot from the other person in the relationship. "You will do FOR me." In other words they expect the guy to make all the effort in the relationship, including but not exclusively buying them a lot of shit and spending money on them.
Also high maintenance would be someone who expects the other person to do all the pursuing, and is not prepared to meet the other person half way.
And also someone who's just... difficult and hard to please.
And yes it turns me off. I may very well be the most hard up guy on earth but I wouldn't bother with any of that shit. Who needs it?
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (12 November 2009):
 In my opinion, high maintenance does not refer to women who, as you say, keep themselves looking the best they can or "care about what way they look."
In my mind, the term implies a woman who requires their man to provide the most expensive meals on dates, more costly gifts and that sort of thing. In the case of a high maintenance wife, they would expect their mate to have only the best paying job, to live in the fanciest home, drive an expensive automobile, buy her designer clothes and enjoy lush travel destinations.
Perhaps we would all like all that, but a high maintenance woman would demand it, or say goodbye. She is a diva in her own mind, who thinks that she is above everyone else and deserves only the best in everything.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): High maintenance can mean two things: 1) A woman who spends a lot of time and money maintaining her appearance 2) A woman that is emotionally needy or unbalanced in some way that needs constant attention. Either way, being called high maintenance is usually a little bit of a dig.From my experience with men, they love a woman to look good but some men can be put-off if they think it looks like a woman spends a lot of time on herself...they can be intimidated. Partly because a woman who spends so much time and money on herself is thought to desire a man who spends even more time and money than she does on her. Therefore, a lot of guys who know they can't afford such a woman disregard her.You should do whatever makes you happy and comfortable with yourself. If taking the time to put yourself together makes you feel better then do it. Don't do it for anyone else but for yourself. One critique I have of men is most of them act like they don't want to know all the trouble women go through to look appealing, they don't want women to have to work for it, they just want them to be naturally flawless. But women are human and therefore we have flaws...so I think they should deal with whatever time we decide to take for ourselves.
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