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female
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anonymous
writes: my husband left me and my two children around 8 months ago and I had a really difficult time until I met a guy in April. I have totally fell for this guy but have only seen him around once a week since we met as he works away. He has just come out of a long term relationship and said doesnt want to start another one.He recently told me he has been trying to get back with hi ex of 7 years but she wont have him back and she will decide in October if she wants to get back with him. he has told me all his relationship problems with her because he said he can talk to me. I have tried to be understanding as a friend because I really care about him but the problem is its killing me. we are still sleeping together and he says he really cares about me as well but I know deep down he would go back to her. We are not in a proper relationship but I think I am in love with this guy and think about him constantly. He has taken over my mind. He has gone away for a few weeks and I know he will be in touch with me when he gets back but I want to be strong. I have even resorted to telling him I am going on dates to see his reaction. help what to do??
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female
reader, Tine  +, writes (22 August 2006):
 this guy sounds as though he is using you to a) pass the time in which he has to wait on his ex's reply and b) to take his mind off her. Think about it, if all he ever does is talk about her to you how do you think its gonna change if you were together. By just sleeping with someone it is bound to happen that one of you will gain feelings for the other person, and unfortunatley its you. He was with his ex for 7 long years and nothing you can do will ever change that. He is still really in love with her and by sleeping you and whilst waiting on her answer is just wrong. You wil end you with more than a broken heart if you continue and quite frankly this fella cares about nothing you feel, otherwise he wouldnt be using you in his ex's place. Once she goes back to him you will be pushed to the side and how will that make you feel? Used? Betrayed? well no it shouldnt because you should know that he is going to do this anyway once she says yes. You need to let go of this relationship, fair enough if you wanna stay friends then keep it that way. But you deserve to have a fella who will love you back and not just use you like a piece of dirt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): I agree with Malyce and Irish. Please listen to their words - the longer you allow yourself to stay in this destructive relationship, the more it is going to affect you. You need to invest in some serious "me" time so you can get yourself back in control of your life; when you do, you won't find yourself caught up in these difficult situations again. All the best.
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female
reader, sugersweet02 +, writes (22 August 2006):
 look im sorry im saying this but.........HIS USING YOU!!! find a better guy who dont take advandage ok hunny good luck and dont yyou sit there listening to his problems!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): Sweetie he is using you and you are letting him. I know it's tough and you feel like crap with your husband leaving you and your children and this man makes you feel ...good about yourself.
He is also tearing you up as well. He has told you he doesn't want you for the long term so why are you doing this to yourself?
I agree with Irish, it is too soon for you to be having any relationships as you are running into another one that has major problems.
You haven't healed and you are hoping that this man will choose you; that he isn't like your husband and you hope he won't walk away from you.
Sweetie, you can find a loving man. Give it time and he will find you; it will happen trust me.
I had my husband of 8 1/2 years walk out on me and my four children after moving us to where his parents were; I had no friends or family in the city.
I believed that no one would love me as I had four children. My childre are beautiful and very talented and I believed no one would see past the number and see me and my family for what we were worth.
I was wrong.
I found this fabulous, loving, responsive, caring, funny, patient, reliable man...he says I found him.
Do not sell yourself short. Believe that there is a man out there for you that will love you for who you are and how you are.
Leave this BF that has said he is using you, he isn't worthy of you Love.
Get strong. Be patient.
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female
reader, zosey +, writes (22 August 2006):
 hey, i am way younder than u but i can see where ur cuming from, u love this guy yh, but he loves sum1 else, i think his ex wud say jump n him how high, maby this guy just wants u as a friend, but for the sex too, in his eyes he may think ur just friends and hes so in love with his ex that he dosnt no wat hes doing, u shud mabby resit the sex and say that ur just friends as he is in love with his ex still and even thought this would be hard it may be what he needs to realise what is actually going on, men are always hard to understand as r women to men but u need to talk about it and understand eachother before trying to make anything work, you shouldnt hang around for him if he loves sum1 else its onli hurting u. take care. hope i helped. zoe
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): I think you have not totally healed from your marriage split up, dear. You mention your husband left you with 2 kids and you likely had a hard time of it. I am sorry.. Rejection of any type is tough for all of us. But hun, there is a big difference between being hurt, disappointed, having a hard time, (that I understand) to leaping over this huge chasm to feeling 'worthless and unlovable'. So many women do this. They feel like if they don't attach themselves to a guy, any guy, they can't cope. It appears this is what you have done here. Emotionally this guy is attached to someone else. He is not attached to you. So...why are with a man who is simply just 'marking time' with you, until his former partner wants him back? Why are you willing to accept anything to make you feel 'whole again'? What a sad situation this is for you! Everytime he's with you, everytime you think of him--you are reminded of how 'unworthy' he's treating you. This must be really damaging you, inside and I am sorry. No women should ever tolerate that. I believe that the self-love and value a woman puts on herself, will always determine the type of people she picks to share her life with. This guy is a lousey choice and I think you know this, now because of the negative, painful feelings you are experiencing. But you are using your 'feelings of love' for this man, to make a decision to put up with this crap. Let's get the head in gear here and really think this through. Don't you think you would be better off to dump this guy...tough it out and spare yourself some anquish, in the future? Some women develop dependencies on men to fill their need to feel wanted. This is also a quick fix to you not dealing with fears of not facing the alternatives. Which is...regaining back your self-respect, empowering your own life and doing the work of becoming a strong, independent woman. What a great role model that would be for your kids. You are caught in that trap...that his 'attentions and affections' will give you what you need. And that is validation and significance. And hun, you are the only one who can give that to yourself. I suggest, you get yourself into counseling...find yourself again and regain strength and go it alone. And when the time is right, the right man will come along and see your self-respect, your courage, your independence and believe me, he will love that about you. Good luck, hun.
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