A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i really need some advice!! Iv been with my boyfriend for almost a year. Im 22, he's nearly 30 and he's a christian. Iv never felt like this about anyone before and i really really love him. When we first met everything was great! He was just as random and as 'crazy' as me. We used to say that we was gonna get married and we even opened a joint savings Account! Everytime we would walk past a jewellery shop he'd stop and look at rings :-) we used to have sex at the beginning of the relationship but since he got baptised about 6 months ago he told me that we cant have sex until marriage. Then he stopped cuddling, kissing, touching me :-( so we split up because he said its wrong to be with someone that doesnt share his beliefs! But we got back together after a moth apart and i started going to church with him and his family and developed a slight interest in christianity. I agreed id respect his faith and wait until marriage to have sex, now everytime i mention marriage or him proposing he gets annoyed and it causes an argument. We sleep in the same bed most of the time but he doesnt even touch me in a sexual way anymore or kiss me! If i try touching him he moves my hand away and tells me to get off! Im so frustrated and Im sick of feeling like this! Iv lost alot of confidence because i dont feel very attractive anymore. Im always picking faults with myself now because i think there must be something wrong with me if im laid in bed next to my boyfriend and he has no interest in me at all anymore! i just dont understand why he wont propose if he believes in marriage as much as he says he does, he says he loves me and wants to be with me so why isnt that enough-? I know i wanna be with him 100% so id marry him tomorrow if i could,. Please help me? Is he stringing me along? is he not interested anymore? I just want the man i fell in love with back, he's like a completely different person now. He tells me that the music i listen to is wrong and the clubs i go to are wrong (he says their satanic!) he also says my friends are bad influences, and some of the clothes i wear are wrong! Its like he's trying to change me into a perfect christian woman but if thats what he wants then he should go find one instead of trying to change me into something im not! Im still learning about god and its still all a bit confusing, but he's rushing me into becoming a christian!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): You really need to talk and in a non threatening way for both of you to understand the full picture here, Illithid makes good points.
I lost my first wife because of this myself, long ago, and when she "got religious" nothing but my total capitulation and adherence to her faith and beliefs about her faith and her practice and interpretation of her faith was sufficient for her (I was of a different faith). I'm afraid what you are going through is what most of us have faced who have gone through this (lying in bed not touching, and our beliefs being viewed as Satan's influence).
Talk though, but be cautious about joining a faith because of another person, it can be a terrible mistake.
A
female
reader, Gadgetgirl  +, writes (12 January 2011):
I agree 100% with Illithid. Great kind and honest advice.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (12 January 2011):
I can see you are totally loved up with this guy. Which is great. If he felt the same way. I've seen too many girls willing to give up too much and they loose their own identities and happiness in the process of trying to feel approved and loved by their guy. I think your suspicions of him wanting the "perfect christian girl" might be true. But I think he has a warped view of whatever that girl is supposed to represent or be for him. I'd hate to think that you are going to live out a VERY long and drawn out process where your relationship and love slowly fizzy away and you end up resenting and hating this guy for taking so much of you life up. He is a hot blooded young man so at the end of the day, whether or not he thinks god has spoken to him through his bible and said sex outside of marriage is morally wrong he SHOULD be showing an interest in you physically, and showing signs that he wants to have a future with you. I do hope it all improves for you and things do go how you want them to but don't turn in to one of those girls that ends up wasting years on a deadend relationship. Your youth and looks only last so long.
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female
reader, steph89_uk +, writes (12 January 2011):
 WOW thanks for all the comments! its a big help. Iv only just registered on this site so this is me!! HI :-) I think i do need to speak to someone from church about it, when i try telling him how this all makes me feel he just says im being silly! but im crying infront of him so how does he not see that im upset!? :-( I did accept christ and said the sinners prayer at church because i did have a strong hunger for it at one point but the more problems im having in my relationship, the more i back away from it. I get angry because before he got baptised we were soooo happy!! He used to make me feel really special and if someone just mentioned his name id have the biggest smile!.... but now i just get upset and cry when people ask about us :-( I do love that he's not like most guys and he has morals and faith but like some of you said "he's taking it too far!!!" Obviously the no sex before marriage is getting frustrating, it wouldn't be so bad if i knew that we was getting married one day. If he proposed id be reassured that he's not just waiting around until he finds "the perfect christian woman" and all my doubts and anger would go away. He doesn't show any interest in wanting me in a sexual way, i know we cant have sex but it would be nice if he showed that he still did want it and still found me attractive. Im training to become a fitness instructor so im in pretty good shape and have alot of interest from other guys but i only want him! and wish he'd look at me in the same way they do sometimes.I almost split up with him last week, i told him that i cant be with him if he has no plans on ever getting married or proposing, i told him i dont even want a ring, that doesn't mean anything to me just as long as i know we have some sort of future. He said its too soon and iv got a long way to come before any of that!! (meaning in christianity) I know i shouldn't change myself completely and i wont but i already feel my old self slipping away and i miss it :-( He used to compliment me and make me feel good about myself but now i just get told that basically everything about me is wrong so i feel down all the time. its because i like rock and metal music, horror films (eventhough i get scared of watching them now because he says the devil is trying to drag me back to the darkside)and his mum says demons will come for me!! lol Arrrrghhh i wish i knew what to do!!!! we cant be together unless i am a devout christian and get baptised, we cat have sex until marriage, we cant live together until marriage!!!! so is there any future????
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female
reader, XxMishxX +, writes (12 January 2011):
dont change your self for anyone. ask your self this, do you want to become a christian personally or are you doing it for him? if its for him then it'll end in tears, youll rebel. Can you really see yourself giving up your friends, social life, music, clothes, lifestyle and your identity?
I tried to change myself for someone, he refused to let me out in a skirt, he'd tell me ill get raped going out in a skirt and id deserve it! how stupid is that?
If he doesnt love you for you then why are you in this relationship? he wont kiss or touch you?? he's taking the christian thing abit far, christian couples who arent married, kiss, cuddle, hold hands etc, this is affection not sexual.
You need to sit down with him and tell him how it is, tell him how you feel and how he makes you feel. tell him to accept you or your walking away. Have you tried asking him why he has these extreme views? asking him if he'd go to councelling, even christian councelling? if he refuses to accept help or accept he has a problem, then move on! im probably wrong but it sounds like to me hes been brain washed by them pasters, you know the ones that was on that tv documentary, they are known for the extreme and unreal views on christianty.
He cant change you. He is treating you like crap and you shouldnt be accepting this.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (12 January 2011):
 I'm a christian too and ya know what? I don't recall ever hearing a sermon that said it's wrong to kiss or cuddle. It sounds like he's going through a bit of an adjustment here and trying to make up for past mistakes (as he sees them, including pre-marital sex) by overcompensating in the other direction. Now he's trying to be completely and inhumanly asexual and dragging you through it, but he doesn't even see how he's affecting you. (Besides the fact that religious belief has to be internal, not something pushed on you as a condition of a relationship.)
Try talking to the church you go to and asking if there's someone that you two could talk to about what is and is not acceptable in a godly relationship and see if they can suggest a balance that's a bit healthier. He might listen if it comes from them. Barring that, he might need the advice of a down-to-earth christian friend to sort him out.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (12 January 2011):
I think the first answer is spot on. You're 22 - perfect age to go find someone right for you and have an amazing relationship. Don't waste your time on this guy. You'll end up in an unhappy relationship indefinately and you'll just continue to grow older as you do. If he really was a "christian" he wouldn't knowingly be making you so unhappy and insecure. he obviously has some kind of issues going on which go further than his so-called christianity. Leave him sweetie, go out with your friends and put this guy in your past as he has done to your old relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): It is terrible to see someone we love slip away from one, because they are changing, not you. They are still there in body, but they become a different person, with different values and attitudes. This change can happen very quickly.
Parents who have temporarily lost a teenager will empathise with this change if one of their teens becomes more defiant, disagreeable and disruptive.
A former friend can change like this (it happened to me when a former friend inherited a huge amount of money and started lotding it over long term friends - she lost all her old friends)
Now this horrible situation is happening to your guy.
Effectively he's trying to conform to some extreme views. And he's alienating you in the process. To try to control the situation he keeps trying to re-mould you. It does not work. And results in distress all round.
Don't fight it to the point that you break down. This family is not giving you support. And your (almost) 30 year old guy is not making an effort to show any empathy towards you.
This is more than you should have to deal with. And what is being done to you is a too extreme version of Christianity.
I know some really wonderful Nuns. They are good to the core kind, tolerant and considerate of others people. And there's few as Christian as long term Nuns. But I've never found them to be controlling. When they offer guidance it's done with a sense of humor. Without harsh judgemental criticism. I've seen little children race to want to welcome the
Nuns with hugs. For they are approachable. I've seen a grown man in deep grief sob on the shoulder of a Nun. Did she say, 'get your hands off me!' ? No, of course not, she gently guided him to a chair and sat down with him and allowed
him to pour out his grieving heart to her. And she listened. And the man was not a Christian and follows another religion. That didn't stop the Nun from showing empathy. And the Nun asked the man, about what did he need to help support him? These are actions that I call Christian behavior.
And it's not just Christians. I know of Muslims who gave and gave to help out people (not just Muslims) who needed support in other situations. People who are good people, in all faiths, are capable of good deeds.
Just as there are zealots and extremists in all religions, who twist a religion, to allow them to spread twisted misguided views. The people become zombie like docile followers, pouring their own money into the religion. And the leaders become arrogant, and their followers become mesmerized and misguided, following extreme examples. And give their sect, or very rigid interpretaion of a religion, a very bad name. It is the rigidity and inflexibility that gets them into trouble.
Some people seem to mis-interpret what a Christian is. I think your guy is under
the total control and influence of his
parents and those advising his parents. He's not a child. He's a man. Yet he's as docile as a five year old. And just as he's under the 'spell' of the man advising his parents, he's also attempting to control you. He's trashing all the things that make for a spontaneous loving relationship.
And his behavior to you is hurtful.
You have spotted the truth of the situation: he's not the man you met and loved. He's been reprogrammed to slavishly follow the extreme views of those controlling the religion his parents follow. And yes, he's being a hypocrite with you, no longer willing to discuss marriage with you. Get your money out of that joint account. Before he gives 100% of it to his Church. You may have to leave, and let him miss you. His parents may have already chosen a girl for him.
While he is in the thrall of the persuasive Svengali directing the extreme views he will be a follower. And will have little to offer you. If you keep on changing, changing, at his every whim you will lose the essense of who you are.
What he is doing is too extreme. His judgement of you is wrong. Do you have a back up plan? If he refuses to compromise and refuses to give you empathy and better support?
You do need a back up plan. If only for your long term health and life happiness.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 I once followed my girlfriend into her religion at her pressure and wanting a future with her, I agreed... bad idea. If you choose to follow a religion, you have to do it for yourself because you believe that its true and not only that, but that its the way you want to live.
You can't do it for somebody else.
Of course he's going to try to change you into a perfect christian woman, that's a guarantee. Ask yourself if you're ok with that, because if you aren't then it might be best to reassess whether you have a future with this guy.
You can tell me the tooth fairy exists as much as you want, but if I don't believe it... I just don't believe it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Gal do you love this guy or not. if yes u have to accept that he is now a born again christian and his old self is dead now and u should be prepared to follow whatever he is asking u to do as long as it conforms to christianity.it's like yourself u are more worried abt having sex always which is not the case with born again people there is a difference between being born again/ repentence and being a christian your man has repented and u have to accept it if u are for keeps and if u the opposite u better find someone becz ur match since this guy is for sure doing what a born again christian is expected to do. U are now a tempetation to him and i would personally advise u to moveon with ur life or repent and accept Jesus as ur personnal saviour and u will understand why he is doing all this. all he is doing is fighting sin becz sin is sin whether u do it with ur galfriend or lover it still remains sin if u cant beat them join them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): If you don't believe in God etc... and are just doing this for him then you shouldn't be doing it. He can't "make" you into a Christian, you have to decide to make that choice based on your personal beliefs.
I don't think it's going to work between you two at all. If he is religious and has strict views on certain things, that's his choice but you are not religious and just because you agreed to go along with it and become a Christian, it doesn't make you one.
You need to talk to him about this because if he doesn't have any intention of marrying you or working out some kind of compromise, it's not going to work.
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male
reader, Merawder  +, writes (12 January 2011):
Religion can be a very delicate topic. Way too often people get so caught up in their religious that they aalianate themselves, and it is a very unfortunate thing. It is by no means wrong to be christian, but the way he chriticizes your lifestyle (which I'm sure is not remarkably sinful) is wrong. Saying modern clothing and music is satanic is a very draconic point of you, and not fair to you.
I would highly recomend NOT trying to change his beliefs, it is very unlikely you will. You need to find a way to pin him down without causing an argument and find out if he plans on marrying you within a reasonable time frame. If he refuuses outright to tell you, or gives you a time too far away for you to handle, you have to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): You really need to be with someone who loves you for you - just the way you are. It is no good being with someone who would rather you be a different person. You'll turn yourself inside out for him and he still won't be happy. And neither will you. I think, as he is 30, he is having undue influence on you. Thinks perhaps he can mould you in a way that he wouldn't be able to do with an older girl. Religion doesn't really come into it. You can not have back the orignial man you got involved with, I think you are seeing the real man now that you have got to know him. I would urge you not to try to alter yourself to someone else requirements. You will never be happy.
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