A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay.. Please don't be mean with answers to this. I'm not planning to make an instant decision here.To start off, I'm 19. I am a virgin, by choice. I've had a lot of chances of "Losing it", but I didn't want to until I was ready, and with someone who I truly felt in love with, and could see myself marrying in the future.Well.. I've been with this really great guy for some time now, same age. We've already been through a lot of trials and hardships in our relationship, and he's helped me through so much.We both got eachother our of previous abusive and demanding relationships as well.The way he looks at me.. in something that of course, typical girl I am, makes me melt with the tenderness in his eyes. He's told me that though he looks forward to the day that we do get intimate, that he won't pressure it.To prove that point, even when we're kissing, sometimes I guess I get too into it unintentionally and he's the one who stops it. Which.. makes me feel silly, 'cause I really have no idea what I'm doing or that I'm doing it. Lol :PHere's the thing.. I know he's been with many other girls before me, intimately. I'm not a girl that believes strictly in marriage, and I know it's not fair to make him wait for too long. Especially since he's been active since a young age.But.. I don't feel ready just yet. And though I can see that he is very respectful of me, and he is willing to wait, I don't know how long I should or can make him wait before it's just selfish.I know it's probably something silly to hope for, because I've been told sex is just sex for guys, but I want it to be special. I want my first time to be love making, not sex. And I want it to be the same for him. Not to be just about me, but to be about us. I'm scared to make the decision of ever doing that with my boyfriend too because.. I'm known as the good girl, one of the purest you'll ever meet. And I don't want people to suddenly hate me or think I'm bad just because I make that decision if it ever feels right.. because it's our decision.I'm also worried because I've been told the first time for girls is always very painful.Now.. I can handle pain, but I've been told some real horror stories.I don't know.. I'm just scared and confused.I don't want to make him wait forever. I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone around me, because of the good girlness that I never meant to have such a strong title of. Be it with friends or family.. I need some guidance on this. Most girls would go to their mother, but I don't have that option, as my mom passed away. It's not something I want to talk to my dad about.. And I know protection is another factor to keep in mind. But.. I don't even know how you'd go about that without it being obvious. I have talked to my boyfriend about it a little.. but it's embarrassing, 'cause I feel like I don't really know what I'm talking about.It's embarrassing to put all this out there right now. Well.. now that I've rambled and thrown this question all over the place.. if you can understand any of it, could I get some guidance, some advice? Please and thank you. ^_^
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): There is a 50/50 chance to sex being disastrous. So bad that you might lose him.
You are right - you are not ready. Most "nearly ready" people worry about the pain etc. which is fair enough but those in a stable loving relationship who are really "ready" don't worry so much about the pain - as being in love you feel like it cannot hurt that much.
I think you need to wait and I know you will do that. You are worried about losing him. Guys actually like being made to wait but you can over do it. First find out more about sex via internet. Second, don't make sex a factor to being around him (i.e. never worry whether you will lose virginity or not - if he hasn't got your consent its rape so you have the decision whether to progress to that as obviously if you thought he was a threat you wouldn't get involved). Thirdly, keep it fresh. Make sure he don't get bored of you. keep up the passion. try to add sexual intimacy in without sex itself... every once in a while (try blow job, wank him off, get him to lick your clit etc.)
If he or you have a birthday coming up (say within 2-3 months) this is a great excuse (i.e. offer him a blowjob on his birthday or make a joke on your birthday of being alone and getting in your birthday suit and after avoiding it for a while either move his hand down there or ask him for an orgasm as a present)
The best thing you can do is keep reading the signs he gives off and understand the situation. Generally these things can be a big risk to take, they can be intimidating, but if there is an excuse for it (birthday, xmas, new year, anniversary etc.) they can work out well!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Just want you to know I married a girl that wanted to wait for intercourse after we were married. We dated 5 years waiting to finish college. There is a lot of other ways to be intimate without actual intercourse. That worked for both of us. We had romantic sex as well as sex for pleasure during that time. All without penetration. Anyway that is just food for thought. It can work.
P.S.
The wedding night was awsome.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Don't worry. Sex is a natural thing, that happens to pretty much everybody.
I'm 27, and a mum of 1. Now my daughter was a planned child, that we tried for.
Be careful, make sure you are on Birth Control. I strongly suggest you and your boyfriend talk things through. Make sure he knows when you start Birth Control. After a month or so, when you are ready to have sex, tell your boyfriend something like ' Since im on birth control, we could start you know.. '
Don't worry, you are not being selfish, but dont worry about the first time either, its not as bad as people say it is!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): STD testing first.
Contraception talk and planning first.
Talk with your doctor, they can help you.
Then slowly get to know each other.
"I want my first time to be love making, not sex."
This doesn't happen unless you are truly in love, and truly comfortable with each other. I don't know how your first time will be, women often have a good time, some have a bad time, it's all over the place. Frequently, it is what happens leading up to it, and after it happens, that make the time good or bad (not what happens during sex).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): One way to get the conversation started is to ask that he get an STD test. You might get one as well when you start looking for birth control methods. Talk to him about it. Planned Parenthood tends to give tests and birth control out affordably. Having this sort of conversation will let him know your intentions.
It sounds like you do really want to have sex for yourself and for him... but you are afraid of losing your identity as a virgin. If you have given it as much though as you clearly have and you are choosing to use your body to love him, I don't see how that can make you less of a person or even "less pure."
Sex is not inherently dirty and you aren't inherently pure just because you're a virgin.
You seem like a smart and mature person though and I suspect you will still be that way after you have sex. Leave your family and repuation out of it as much as you can.
Other advice: Don't over plan it. Don't schedule it or try to make it a ceremony. (Wait till you're on the birth control for about a month.)
Do it when it comes naturally to you.
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A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (12 January 2011):
Believe me I'm a guy with a kid and sex can wait until your ready. I do respect the fact that you have waited not many make it that far. Alot of guys do want girls who are like you and honestly aren't going to push sex. Sounds like the guys your with is that type. I would of waited as long as my gf would have wanted bc i love her that much thats the truth. The protection thing we weren't as smart at. Bottomline dont do anything your not ready for. Seriously youll regret it if your not for sure about it. Tell him whats up hell get it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): You'll feel it inside doll when the time is right with him and thats when you should embrace it. I admire your ethics and morals on sex. Good for you. Your BF sounds like he respects you greatly and wont pressure you into this so that should hopefully help you realize that you shouldnt be rushed and take your time with things. Protection is good to talk about too and dont feel ridiculous as its an absolute necessary element to sex when desired to be done safely. Its also normal and natural to talk about so dont feel ashamed to communicate anything to your BF. Best wishes :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): Whether you are known as the "good girl" or not, having sex doesn't make you a bad person. You are in a committed relationship so it's not like you're going to be looked down upon.If you feel you are not ready yet, that is fine but don't let the fear of what other people will think hold you back. It's non of their business anyway.When it comes to guys, yes sex can be "just" sex but it can also be meaningful to them too. If they truly care about the girl, which it sounds like your boyfriend does, then it will mean a lot to them too. Not all guys see sex as some kind of sport.When you talk about pain, yes losing your virginity can be painful but not agonising just a little uncomfortable. Some girls don't experience any discomfort at all so don't listen to the horror stories people have told you. If you are comfortable with the guy and you take things slow there shouldn't be much discomfort. If your nervous or tense, it's more likely to hurt a bit.Contraception is obviously very important and not something to feel embarrassed about at all. All you need to do is make an appointment at your local doctors and explain to them you would like to know about the available options with regards to birth control. They will give you advice on what will be best for you.After all that, if you still feel unsure then wait a while longer. When you feel 100% sure then go for it and don't worry what other people think.
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