A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I really need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, but the past 7 or 8 months he hasnt trusted me 1 bit. I cant even go into town shopping with a friend without him texting asking who im with, what im doing, and accusing me of sleeping with someone else. I havent been out on a girls night out in ages because he is worried I will cheat. If I dress in a top that is too 'low cut' in his opinion, he tells me I look like a slut. I bought some new underwear the other week and because the bra was see through he went mental at me and told me which tops I can wear it with and which ones I cant. This ended in a huge row with him speeding off on his motorbike then texting me saying if he dies then its my fault and that I am a fat, ugly, old slut and that only people with nice bodies wear bras like that, not 'fat old grannies' like me (im 32 by the way and weigh 10 1/2 stone) I dont want to break up with him for a number of reasons... 1: I love him despite this.2: I am worried he will kill himself and I couldnt live with myself if that happened.3: He knows things about me that will stop my whole family from ever talking to me again and he threatens to tell them if I break up with him.Im at breaking point and cant see me ever being happy. I have considered suicide myself to get myself out this situation but im too scared to even do that!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): It will not change until you change. You need to work on changing you, becoming strong and confident. There is beauty in this world and one such beauty is you. He will never stop hurting you. Forgive him cause he is hurting too. But move on, it the best thing you can do. I have been there. Don't underestimate the love of your family for you. Explain to them what has happened and seek atonement for what you think you have done wrong. They love you, you must believe that someone loves you. Even if that someone is you...
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (20 September 2007):
 I suggest you redefine the boundaries in your relationship. You define how you are to be treated. What right does he have to tell you what to wear. Boyfriends do not have the right to tell you what to do, say, think, wear, etc. That's up to you.
Boundaries define our sense of self, our strengths and weaknesses. What we will or will not accept from someone. You need to sit down with him and renegotiate your relationship. He has some worries, so what can you do to meet him at a point where you would both be satisfied with your arrangement. You both have needs, and they're not being met or you wouldn't feel this way. Make a list of what's bothering you, have him do the same, then sit and discuss the lists. Tell him why you feel his behavior with the cloths is out of line. Ask him to tell you, without getting angry, why he feels nervous when you wear it.
Don't just accept what is said, unless it fits within the boundaries you have set for yourself. The bottom line is having one. You have to set limits. You have to decide a certain treatment of yourself you are willing to accept, and not take any less. Stand up for your rights to be happy. You're not suppose to be miserable in a relationship, you're in it to share time, and moments with someone you care for, not to control their behavior or have them control yours.
And remember don't say things out of anger. Nothing good comes from that. If you're upset over something he has said or done, come back to it later and calmly state, "You know, earlier you did this or said this and I felt offended, I really didn't appreciate it and you made me feel ________________ when you did or said it." Doing that shows strength with your boundaries. Reason being, when we're angry we say things we don't mean, when we come back to address it in a calm voice we're taken much more seriously.
If you need assistance, since I can't rush you over all my books that have boundary information in them, there are many, many articles on the web that explain more on "how to". I even found a relationship contract on there today, one of the best written contracts I have read, and they listed their boundaries within the contract and signed it.
Take care, I hope this helps and I really do hope things work out for you. Please update every now and then, and let us know how things are going. If you need anything else add it, or send a pvt e-mail. I answer mail within 1 day of receiving it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he has never been cheated on before and his parents have always remained faithful to one another. I need to make him see I will not be cheating on him and his behaviour towards me has to stop. I cant carry on like this, its taking over my whole life. How do you suggest I change the way he looks at me??
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 September 2007):
So what you're saying is his behavior may be due to the fear of repeated behavior you had with you ex. You are right that 2 wrongs don't make a right. And when it's cheating, it takes away the trust from both people so there's no leverage to grab a hold of and rebuild.
Now you said you had been cheated on, and returned the favor. How about your boyfriend, his past, I could see where there may be a possibility developing this behavior because of what you did in retaliation with your ex, but it would be more likely if he had someone cheat on him.
These behaviors come from one of 3 different areas in general (1) Fear (2) Jealousy (3) Pain. The fear of getting hurt or rejected, the jealousy we hold not trusting men (we know what they want), the pain we bring from another relationship for having our trust broken by their actions.
I've been in situations of being cheated on, and fearing what could happen. My best friend slept with my ex wife. Buy over the years I've learned to focus the pain and leave it with those who caused it. If I had a girl that dressed sexy, I'd be proud to be the one holding her hand while everyone is looking at her, tongues hanging out and drooling.
Here is the hard part, and I know he won't listen to you, but he needs to have his perception changed. He needs to look at the way he looks at you differently, and the way he views other people looking at you. From someone who's been there and had the same fears he's experiencing, if he changed the way he looked at this, it can actually be kind of a turn on when all these guys can't keep their eyes to themselves, and he knows he's the one you chose to take home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am 100% sure that he hasnt cheated on me. We spent every moment together from day 1 and were inseperable. He was living with me before we got together (long story) He wouldnt of had the chance. At the start of this behaviour he wasnt working and has only recently got a job. I should of mentioned in my 1st post that while I was married to my ex, he cheated on me loads so I punished him by doing the same back. I know that 2 wrongs dont make a right but I did it and cant turn back the clock now. He seems to think thatas I did it before to my ex, I will definataly cheat on him. I have tried over and over to explain that im not proud of what I did but he wont listen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): Sorry to be the barer of bad news but I would say that he has cheated on you.Men are not very good at hiding things, despite what they think. Something has happened that has suddenly made him realise that he doesn't want to lose you and his insecurities are showing in the form of being a control freak.You have to do something before nasty words turn into nasty actions. If you want out of this relationship then do it, anything that happens once it is over has nothing to do with you. I doubt very much that your partner would kill himself, he is far too much of a coward to do that, thats why he bullies you. Knowone has the right to tell you that you are ugly and fat. This is just his way of dragging your confidence down and making you believe the things he says.Please don't worry too much about what happens next. Just sort yourself out and leave him.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (19 September 2007):
You love him, but trust is a big part of a relationship. If he loved you, he wouldn't say all those stupid things and he also wouldn't make threats to reveal things to your family. If one of your main reasons is you're afraid he'll kill himself, there can't be much real love there.
You are a grown woman. You need to command respect from him, but also from your family. On top of that they, and to some degree you, need to realize this guy is a whack job.
Do you really love him, or have you just gotten so used to him and being with him that you can't imagine life without him? Is it really the fear of change that prevents you from breaking up with him? I mean, seriously, you've considered suicide due to this. It isn't fair to you. The only thing I can suggest is couple's counseling and even if you do that, I think he needs some professional help on the side. You can't stay with someone and ruin your own life because he might kill himself and/or he might tell your family things they don't want to hear. At the very least, he needs help from a qualified professional. If your family loves you, they wouldn't excommunicate you either.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 September 2007):
Don't consider suicide. You have to remember doing that is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.
You have reasons to stay, but none that I would accept as an excuse to. Does he love you, sounds like NO. I don't like saying that and bursting your bubble, but many people who are controlling in the manner he is, it's not out of love for you, it's out of love for being in control.
I'm not going to point fingers and say he's cheating on you, but many times you'll find people who accuse are the ones who are doing what they are accusing the other ones of.
I want you to think about this. What gives him the right to control you? Does getting into a relationship give the other person rights over your activities? NO it doesn't. A relationship is a choice, and the choice is based off enhancing the life we all ready have. Sharing our joy and happiness with someone else, because we choose to and not because we have to.
If he's not getting violent. I'd tell him when he doesn't like a shirt that he's not the one who's wearing it, you like it, and all though you respect his opinion, you wear your cloths because you like them, not to gain his or anyone's approval. You need to be strong, regain your life, and teach him what you are and are not willing to put up with. If he chooses to treat you wrong, you'll have to say goodbye to him. You're too important of a person to allow someone to control you. That's not right and as long as you're being faithful to him, he needs to back off from what you do. Just because you have a life together, doesn't mean you give up your own life for the other person. You have your life, he has his life, then you have the life you've joined together, and all of them are equally important. You need to respect yourself before getting respect, you need to love yourself before you can truly love someone else.
Take care
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