A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I asked a question on this website nearly 2 years ago whether to stay with my boyfriend or move on, I decided to stay with him. We subsequently moved to a different area. The problem started exactly this time last year where I was starting to have feelings for someone at work, the trouble was he was engaged. I knew he liked me and it was the turning point in my relationship, I told my boyfriend that I wasn't sure wether I wanted to be with him anymore. Well, unsurprisingly he was upset and begged me to reconsider and try counseling which we did. The counsellor in the end suggested that I should have my own counseling to go through what was going through my mind. I also had a lot of pressure from my family to stay with him; after all it took ages for them to accept the relationship in the first place. My mum threatened to never speak to me again. I decided to give it another shot; this person at work got married and everything seemed to be back to normal for a year - until now. These feelings are coming back to me, what should i do? He has always treated me well but i'm just not attracted to him, I'm tempted to have a fling at work and see how it goes - anything to get it out of my system. I don't know - maybe that would help? I've never had a sexual experience with anyone else and that frightens me. I'm slowly going out of my mind! Any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, rebeccahayes12 +, writes (17 May 2010):
I think u may have answered your own question ,If you cant leave him then ur feelings must run deep. Maybe u should question why u are with him cos if is out of fear of hurting him then i admire you but consider urself. I am knocked constantly because a am seeing someone who is married. I am totally in love with him and never thought i would find myself in this situation.Go with ur heart and enjoy life. Good luck
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 May 2010):
Yes it is that simple to end it with him. You end it, he moves out. That's it. If it's tough on him, then it's tough. But you can't sit there feeling like you want to have flings when you have a man sat at home. You have to end it with him, there is't any other way out. To have a fling or anything like that will leave you looking like a pretty bad person, and your reputation would look bad. After all, who can trust a cheat?
I suspect that you're attracted to men who are taken because right now, you're not really ready for a relationship,or you fear a certain amount of commitment. End it with this guy and go out and have fun. And flirting isn't cheating if there is nothing in it. But if you're flirting because you want a fling, then that's not really any good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forgot to mention that there's another guy at work that I like - ah! I know this guy likes me but he is in a relationship too - not married though but again off boundaries. Ahh! what is wrong with me??! Am i doomed to be attracted to attached men??
Do people considering flirting a form of cheating? Cos there is a lot of that where I work. In response to JMTMJ's question as to whether I could grow old with my bf - i'm not sure if I can. But i have a lot of joint commitments with him like a significant debt and he is miles away from his family to be with me and is currently studying for postgraduate degree. I couldn't just simply end it with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies, I needed a kick up the arse and realign my perspective on things. He does love me dearly but its just missing that something. I guess I haven't been used to other male attention and it just needs getting used to. Just because they flirt does not mean anything. I need to remember that!!
Ahh this is going to take a while to sort out, I'll let you guys know how i get on.
Again, thanks for your help and advice
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Hey yes I agree with caring guy. Why is your family pressuring you to stay with this guy if you are not happy?? Of course you are having thoughts about other people you are not being satisfied. People say life is short which is true but if your not happy it'll be long and dismal. You need to do what makes YOU happy not anyone else and if your mother chooses not to speak to you over this then so be it. In the long run she's the one missing out. There will be plenty of other mother figures in your life to lean on.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man  +, writes (16 May 2010):
If you want to branch out sexually, you should do it. Going behind your man's back seems wrong to me, and tempting a married man is questionable. But if you're not attracted to him, you should probably end it while you're still young and attractive.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 A fling will NOT make things better, it'll just make you a cheater. If you aren't attracted to him, thats a big thing and its not just something to sweep under the rug. Can you see yourself growing old with your boyfriend? If not, why not just let him go, get out and date new people? You're young and there's so many awesome new people to meet, it may be scary, but its an exciting type of scary. Just don't cheat on him!
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): No No No!Sis I have been there exactly where you are.Today I am a happy person because I didn't give into the temptation.I agree with everything Caring guy said.If you don't feel like being with someone,don't.Life is too short to be spent unhappily.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 May 2010):
Having a fling will make all of this worse, and make you look bad for having taken a married man and cheating. If you want to end it with your boyfriend, then end it and hang anyone who tells you to do differently, including your mother. Don't allow yourself to be dictated to.
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A
female
reader, rebeccahayes12 +, writes (16 May 2010):
My advice to you is be very careful hun. I have and still am in a similar situation. I have been seeing someone on and off for the last three years. Its been a crazy time with many ups and downs.I have grown to love him dearly but have been very hurt at times because he cannot give me the commitment i now need.Saying that i wouldnt change anything as my perspective on life has really changed,Just go in with an open mind and if he isnt able to be with u as much as u would like then give him space..i didnt and its now beginning to go wrong because of it...u only live once...remember that and grasp any opportunity u have to be happy....good luck
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A
male
reader, True +, writes (16 May 2010):
First off a "fling" probualy wont be a fling and will probualy have a viscious cycle on you and not only is having an affair with a married man bad because you may screw up everyones lives around you such as your parents, family, your boyfriend's, the married man, his wife's, and your life. As for your parents decideing your relationships tell them to butt out, because if you end in regret then o well and if you dont then thats great but having an affair is the worst *******ing shit you can do to someone especialy if that person actualy loves and cares for you! So do w/e you want but not if its gonna screw other peoples lives that care for you and who love you just for a "fling".
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