A
female
age
30-35,
*ris_Seas
writes:I have feelings for an older, terminally ill man. It was a crush at first, we both had serious relationships end (his wife left him and I left my boyfriend) so we'd talk all the time. One night, we were almost intimate but stopped...anyway, I get so worried about him cause he gets incredibly sick and frustrated. I can't imagine what he's going through but when I try to be there for him, call him he sometimes won't answer. I'm confused and maybe I'm not doing what's best for him. I've gotten him medicine, made him food etc. But he's distant... maybe I'm a terrible reminder of everything going on with him. Is it better to simply leave him alone as he seems to want? An I more unhelpful than helpful in his life? Please help, any insight is appreciated
View related questions:
crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Iris_Seas +, writes (3 October 2014):
Iris_Seas is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Wise_Owl, I agree and that's one thing I've been working on with his son, it's a very, very complicated situation but the last time I saw his son and we talked a bit, he told me that he'd be there more. I lost my dad a few years back and what haunts me to this day is that I wasn't there... Another good point is the romantic relationship part, I had no idea at first about his illness and looking back now, the night we were almost intimate was caused by a need to feel closer to him (I had found out the whole truth just two days before). Now, that's all out of my mind. His ex wife's cruel words left him very insecure/sad and he told me that he loves being hugged and shown affection. I enjoy hugging him etc but is it still a good idea to very affectionate without it leading to the "last lover" road?@HappyPlace, yes I feel that he is getting depressed and more prone to locking himself up inside. He is normally a social man and when he was healthy, very active. I'd love to keep visiting as much as I did but the last time we spoke, he told me that he can't stand to be seen as he is now...I told him I didn't care but he's stubborn. That's why I thought that I'm being a negative in his life. God bless, Happyplace.Thank you both for the insight and advice! Means a lot to me
A
female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (3 October 2014):
 OK, I've just read the following :Symptoms of the disease can vary between individuals and even among affected members of the same family, but usually progress predictably. The earliest symptoms are often subtle problems with mood or cognition. A general lack of coordination and an unsteady gait often follows. As the disease advances, uncoordinated, jerky body movements become more apparent, along with a decline in mental abilities and behavioral symptoms.[1] Physical abilities are gradually impeded until coordinated movement becomes very difficult. Mental abilities generally decline into dementia. OK, so it looks like mood and behaviour are affected. All I would say is making meals and visiting are wonderful and necessary. You NEED friends at this time so please don't stop this. If he is on his own a lot, he may focus on death and this in turn can cause depression if not checked, particularly as mood and behaviour are affected. A relationship might be too much for him at this time, but the hand of friendship should always be welcome. And Wise Owl is right - if he is estranged from his son, perhaps you could get them together. Sort of like putting your affairs in order. Good luck and bright blessings to your friend xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): He knows for sure that you're choking back your tears and putting on a brave face. That might bother him to some degree. It still might come across as martyrdom and sacrificing a bit too much of yourself. If he has a son, I think your efforts to bring them together would be a great gift. Why should his son wait until it's too late? He doesn't live too close? I hope he shows up before the reading of the will! His dad is dying? Does his son live in another country or on another planet? Why wait until he's on his deathbed?
It would be really sad if they are estranged. Now is the time to settle their differences. Perhaps that would be better than trying to be his last lover.
...............................
A
female
reader, Iris_Seas +, writes (3 October 2014):
Iris_Seas is verified as being by the original poster of the question@HappyPlace he has Huntington's and he has a son but he doesn't live too close. There's also a Nurse that comes by. He is 41 right now. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and apply to this...
...............................
A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (2 October 2014):
I am terminally ill so I'll throw my two pennies in. Can you tell me what form of illness the man has? Is he all alone or does he have family to look after him? Also, how old is he? My answer will depend on your reply. Thank you in advance.
...............................
A
female
reader, Iris_Seas +, writes (1 October 2014):
Iris_Seas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! I hate for anyone to think I was trying to force/am trying to force a relationship...That's not it. I just really care for him, always have. When he gets sick, I don't want anything from him but the opportunity to take care of him. I hide my sadness and I try to make him happy by giving him affection, making his favorite meals and talking about everything he wants to talk about, watching good movies etc. I just hate the thought of him being alone. When his wife left, it really crushed him. She told him that he wasn't a man anymore. Me, I've always seen him as a man, he's incredible. But, I thank you all for your advice and insight on this. Although it saddens me, he's what matters and I will back away and not add to the confusion. Again, thank you all for the insight!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): If he wants you to leave him alone, leave him alone. Perhaps he wants to pass on with dignity; and not have to worry about leaving a poor kind woman with a huge heart behind grieving.
People knowing they are terminally-ill come to terms with their mortality. They reach a point of serenity and calmness. You can standby his side, see to his needs, and make him comfortable. That's all you can do.
If he requests his privacy or alone-time, respect that. Your tears and weeping makes things very difficult, and that actually does more harm than good. You would be bringing him down sensing your grief and depression. That is far from what he needs. If you can't cheer him up and bring joy to his final days, step-away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 October 2014):
Dear OP,
My advice would be to just have an open talk about this with him, as all of us agony aunts could only guess about his feelings.
Maybe it's not as black-and-white.. maybe he would like you to be there sometimes, but not all the times. Maybe he sees that a love relationship is not possible anymore, because he is slowly dying, but he would appreciate a friend. The answer lies in his heart and we cannot help you find out without him.
Maybe you can also write him a letter, explaining your feelings and your reasons. And also, it would be helpful if you know what you want and need in this situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 October 2014):
 Maybe my answer is too simplistic, but I think that when a mature adult tells you and /or shows you he wants to be left alone, regardless of his health conditions, ... you do just that, you leave him alone.
His illness may make him vulnerable , or humoral at times, but does not make him irrational or incompetent to decide about his life. If he has decided he prefers to keep his distance and not to embark in a romance with you- respect his wish. It may also be that his unwillingness comes from the fact of being terminally ill and not having therefore a lot of energies to invest in romantic relationships, but that's secundary, IMO. If he's not keen, he is not keen.
...............................
|
