A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I posted a general question here before regarding a sticky situation which has now become even stickier. I need advice!I feel like my close friend is indirectly setting me up with her husband, or at the very least seems fine with him potentially liking me. While I have a lot in common with her husband, and she repeatedly says it, she recently told me that she herself is not into him anymore. She is no longer attracted to him and would love to have the opportunity to be with other men (although she wouldn't act on it).Recently she confessed how men have recently flirted with her and she likes the attention coming from someone else. In the sane sentence, she also told me that her husband was slightly bothered by her recent flirting because she felt he himself is 'interested in someone else' and it probably reminds him of his own dilemma. I know that her husband gets along really well with me and he teases his wife about me. The question is, how come she seems so cool with it, and how do I deal with this situation which is mostly platonic for me because I won't allow my mind to consider something deeper (even if it would totally work out with him on a connection level hypothetically speaking)? I respect my friend too much not to ever consider that. I am slightly confused as to why he has mentioned me to her that way (she told me this), and how she is now telling me 'that her husband is probably interested in someone else'(she showed absolutely no problem with this). In fact she keeps in touch with old flames and he is not aware. It was almost like me and her were speaking 'code' to each other and were both saying the same thing without outright spelling it out. It didn't feel awkward to speak to her about it as she totally normalized it, and I know she was being truthful. I think she remains in her marriage out of convenience, and he is almost like a brother to her (not more). Is there anything wrong with this picture, and why did she insinuate that has taken interest in someone else (knowing well that we both know it's probably me!)?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): I am the OP of this question.Thank you for all your advice. When my friend told me all these things, it didn't surprise me. She was saying how there is no "harm in testing the waters' with other people for fun. I responded to her that this like playing with fire because once you test the waters and enjoy the feeling, the next step is going for a swim. I had advised her that either people should fix their marriages or move on by leaving their significant others, but not to stray, even if done innocently. I was amused by one responder here who pointed fingers at me and said "shame on you". I have not "hung out with the husband" under any circumstances, and I am certainly not one to fall into someone's trap of encouragement in order to help them advance their own plans. People get lost sometimes in life, or get bored with their marriages, and I told her that is quite normal. If anything I encouraged her to rekindle her current flame with her husband.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (1 October 2014):
 She may be, but that's by no means the only explanation.
Maybe she suspects him of an affair, and is trying to find out if the affair partner is you by "sounding like" she'd be fine with the idea if it was.
Maybe she really does wish she could date others without leaving the comfort and social good standing of her marriage, and is simply venting her feelings to you.
Regardless of the explanation... as others have said, you are best served to stay far away from this as it's simply drama waiting to happen. If you were (hypothetically) to act on it, here's how it would go: the wife would get the freedom she wants and look like a martyr into the bargain, the husband would look like a man who was tempted and strayed, and you, my dear, would look to all your mutual friends like a homewrecker, EVEN though that wouldn't be remotely close to the truth. Not the outcome you're aiming for, right?
So, you deal with it by socializing with this particular couple on a less frequent basis OR, if you really enjoy their company, in a group setting where neither can bring this sort of thing up. If your friend is bored in her marriage, that's between her and her husband, and she should NOT be dragging you into it.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): You need to stop hanging out with the husband completely, and stay away from the friend as much as possible until they get a divorce and it is final.
If that doesn't happen, then you were incorrect thinking that he wanted to be with you and that they do not want each other anymore. You cannot know what goes on inside thier marriage, and they may be perfectly happy with each other no matter what either of them says to you, as you are not a party in that relationship (no matter how much you are trying to be! Shame on you!).
Don't get in the middle of this or become the "other woman". That would make you the scumbag, and the scapegoat for all their problems. Work on your own marriage instead of obsessing on this "what does it mean when he/she says" junk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): It sounds like you're still unsure if she's trying to set you up. Just ask her directly so that there are no misunderstandings. "Are you trying to set me up with your hubby?" If she says yes, then say "I can't, I've known him for so long, he's like a brother to me."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2014): You're heading for a dramatic train-wreck with this woman.
She wants to push you and her husband into an affair, to cover her wretched ways. She's cheating on her husband, and wants to be able to throw it up in his face that you and he are carrying on behind her back.
How can you call a woman of such poor character a friend?
Girlfriend, be careful how you choose your men and your friends. Women don't set you up with their husbands, they're setting you up for trouble.
You're considering taking her up on it, that's the scary part! Otherwise, it wouldn't be a "sticky situation."
You've been warned. As I often say, some people have to learn the hard way. We're here to advise and comfort them when they get run-over by a bus they could have avoided.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2014):
 This is the time to back away. UNLESS you want to end up in the drama your FRIEND is trying to set up.
To me (I don't know your friend, so I can be wrong) but it sounds like she is trying to toss YOU under the husband so he won't pay so much attention to what SHE is doing.
Personally, if she was a GOOD friend of mine I would tell her to get her priorities straight. To either sort out or marriage or end it, so SHe AND her husband can find new "happiness" instead of all this mucking about. And I would stay away from the both of them for a good while, because there is no way I'd want to be roped into being the "good-time girl" for the husband.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (1 October 2014):
It seems like she's checked out of the marriage already, and she is either encouraging you and her husband to start an affair to excuse the fact she wants to do the same, or she wants to make both of you the 'bad guys' so she can go ahead and divorce him while looking like the innocent party. I'd stay well away from this if I were you.
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